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thanksgivingmom
A little wierd I suppose. I try not to think about it I guess. Maybe I'll blog about it though. :rolleyes: And I'm SUCH an open book on stuff like that - if anyone has questions I'm here! :)
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BrandyHagz
I confess that as a birth mother and an adoptee, I often have conflicting opinions about what I think is right and it often leads me to really become angry with myself because I dont know which one is actually ғright. I confess that even though I have been immensely blessed with having an open adoption with my daughter, sometimes I hate her parents with a passion so deeply it sends me into a deep depression. I confess that, even though I have said above as well as on the forums how lucky I am to have an open adoption Ԗ my adoption has become almost totally closed because I cant bear watching the damage her parents are doing to her Җ instead, I watch from a distance, via Facebook. I confess that it really hurts my feelings when people cant see me for more than ґjust a birth mother. I confess that it really bothers me when people feel like their way or their experience is the only acceptable path along the journey of life. In tandem, I confess that I try as hard as I can to excise that toxicity from my life. Sometimes, I donҒt have that luxury and it frustrates me. I confess that most of the time, I really, really, loathe my birth mother. I stay in contact with her (1-2 emails per year) only because I need health information and she sometimes lets that slip but never, ever, tells me when I actually ask for it. In my defense, she is a cold heartless woman who has never tried, even a little bit, to have a relationship with me. I confess, I feel really guilty for not having a relationship with my birth mother because I suspect the reason I don֒t is because its just to painful for her to be reminded that the decision she made ultimately ended up being awful. I confess that it scares the ach, e, double hockey sticks out of me to think that my daughter and I will suffer a similar fate Җ because like my birth mother I am truly and deeply hurt by the decision I made when choosing her family ֖ although, like my birth mom, I had very limited (and not totally honest) information on which to base my decision I know it֒s not my birth moms fault that my childhood was so bad Җ I hope M comes to know the same thing. I confess that while my own adoption story is anything but sunshine and roses I do think that ethical adoption is a wonderful, beautiful thing. I confess sometimes, I have to ֑turn it all off and just go be Brandy Җ while adoption is a huge part of my life, both personally and professionally it rarely plays a role in my day to day life outside of the office. Unless I blog about it ֖ which I rarely do.
Can I do more??? I confess that I was really scared about putting my thoughts out here. I confess that I spent a lot of time reading what I wrote over and over again because I didn't want to hurt feelings. I confess that I sometimes wish I didn't feel compelled to do that and could just speak COMPLETELY honestly - not with a cautious version of honesty. I confess that there are some aMom's where I think, I wish she were my kids aMom! I confess that I'm terrified of secondary infertility because I just don't know that I could adopt a child having walked the path I've already walked. I confess that this feels pretty dang good :)
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TGM writes an awesome blog!!! I confess to sometimes thinking people need to get over things a bit more. Then I slap myself and remind myself it's not my decision. I haven't walked in their shoes so I really need to shut it. Then again...some people REALLY DO need to move forward. See...I can't help it!I often write out replies to posts and then delete before I ever submit. Sometimes biting my tongue means I feel like a hypocrite but then again, are some things really worth saying and is everyone really entitled to my opinions?;) (as above)I confess that I sometimes don't like hearing what the other sides of the triad have to say. Even if they are right.I am really terrified of the teen years and feel like I'm going to screw my kids up forever because I have no idea what I'm doing half the time. And I confess I want to slap those parents who tell me they've never had a single issue or problem with their kids or parenting. I keep wanting to say "There's still time to mess up, just wait!" How did I get so mean????
thanksgivingmom
Can I do more??? I confess that I was really scared about putting my thoughts out here. I confess that I spent a lot of time reading what I wrote over and over again because I didn't want to hurt feelings. I confess that I sometimes wish I didn't feel compelled to do that and could just speak COMPLETELY honestly - not with a cautious version of honesty. I confess that there are some aMom's where I think, I wish she were my kids aMom! I confess that I'm terrified of secondary infertility because I just don't know that I could adopt a child having walked the path I've already walked. I confess that this feels pretty dang good :)
I wanna play too! I confess that I have learned how hard it is to overcome abuse and not repeat the cycle of what my father called "discipline" with my daughter. And that this may continue to be a struggle for me. I confess I HATE her birthparents with a passion for what they did to her and her siblings. I confess I am disgusted that they are still married and may have created more children to use as playthings. I confess I HATE it when people say "she's so beautiful, you don't look anything alike." F you too. I confess, I find my daughter beautiful :) I confess I found her mom on facebook. Her mental deficinces are evident. I confess I'm SO HAPPY that I have a good relationship with my dd's sisters adoptive parents. I confess...I wish the girls could grow up as sisters.... I confess that I am terrified dd will try to help her brother one day. I confess I am terrified of a 15 yr old autistic child with more than 10 accounts of sexually harming other children and countless reports of trying to engage adults in sexual acts. I confess to being terrified that dd's self perspective will be colored by his actions. I confess writing that out makes me HATE thier BP even more. I confess I believe my dd and I will always be the family and I may never marry. I confess...I might be OK with that. I confess that I have self deprecating guilt about being poor that almost kept me from adopting (why would they approve me?), and sometimes keeps me from feeling like a good mom. I confess that I am afraid no matter how "far" she comes....the real deal issues will emerge as a teen and I will fail her somehow. I confess to being a a.com addict because I can not say these things IRL. and I like ya'll alot! :)
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This thread has taken a life of it's own since I first read it earlier today, having read through them all I've had time to formulate my thoughts so here goes... I confesss I love the fact that people who don't know us think I gave birth to DD. I confess that while I'm sure Bmom is a wonderful person and great mom to her kids, I don't want to open our adoption to anything more than letters/pictures. I confess to being confused when I read/hear someone say OA is great. I confess that when the time comes DD wants contact with Bfamily I'll overcome my insecure feelings and not try to hold her back. I confess I don't like the way Bmom conducts her personal life even though it's none of my business and I hope DD NEVER finds out the terms in which Bmom and Bdad met. I confess when Big Girl, Daddy and I are all home chillin' and our world has slowed down for the night/weekend I realize my life is complete. I confess I fantasize DD becomes an Olympic swimmer. I confess I worry if I'm a good mom. I confess I wish I had more patience. I confess I love my DD more than any other human being in the world. I confess I wish the world could see what a wonderful, funny, charming, imaginative personality DD has. I confess it looks like I'll stay up later again tonight than I intended to so if there are anymore confessions they'll have to wait until another day.
I confess I am glad we're not involved in an open adoption with contact because reading about other peoples' makes me very aware I could not do it well. I confess I cyberstalk our son's birth parents so that when he wants to meet them, I will have the information he needs to find them. I confess that sometimes I think my son would have been better off adopted as a couple's first child, rather than always having to be the younger brother. I confess I sometimes wish I had never birthed or adopted children at all, because then I would have nothing to worry about in life and I could enjoy a peace of mind I will never be able to achieve now that I have children to worry about. I fantasize about what it would be like to get through a whole day without worrying about someone else's self-esteem, vitamin intake, fine-motor skills, peer relationships, SAT scores, college admissions process, and whatifthatcoachismeantothemandhowaretheygoingtolearnhowtodriveandwhoaretheygoingtomarryandwhatifthoseguysarejerksandtheymovebackinwithgrandkids? And I confess that even though I know that drinking a lot of coffee is not the way to deal with those worries, I do it anyway and almost always regret it.
I confess that I don't know how to tell Liana about her half siblings. And now that her birthmom and two eldest half siblings have disappeared, I don't know what to do. I confess that I have not bothered my adoption agency enough about the family that adopted Liana's other half sibling. I would like to be in touch, if they agree. The agency can't seem to find the records. I confess that I promised myself I would try to send money to keep Liana's half siblings in Guatemala in school. I didn't at first. And now they are gone. Six and seven years old, and probably working in fields or factories. I think about them every day. I think about them when I drink coffee or eat bananas and wonder if their little hands picked the beans or fruit. I think about them when Liana leaves food on her plate. I think about them being so smart, like Liana is, and hope that they are learning to read. But I think they probably aren't.
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Okay, I need to add a few more. I confess that my biggest fear is that I screw up parenting my daughter. I confess that my patience some days is not as good as it should be. I confess that sometimes I argue with a toddler. Yes, I know I lose every argument. I confess that I check online frequently and stay in contact with all the CW's involved to see if I can find out any information about birthmom. My purpose is to find out if she has had another child. If so, I want to make sure that my DD knows about her sibling. I confess that I really wanted my first to be a boy. However, I couldn't imagine living my life with out my daughter.
I confess that I lurk religiously, but am too private of a person to share much. I confess I feel guilty about the confession above as so many of you have pulled me through my adoption journey in such a positive, spiritual and down-on-the-floor realistic way I can never repay. I confess I didn't think two infants would be this tough. (Long story, we have virtual twins.) I confess I LOVE having boys. Girls scare the begeezus out of me. I confess I am exhausted, and honestly surprised that this is the case. I confess I would like to have more of a relationship with one sons' birthfamily and less with the other. I worry how this will play out over the years ahead. I confess I like my two days a week at the office away from the boys. I confess when I went to pick up our oldest son (second adoption) I was afraid I couldn't love him as much as I love the other who we adopted from birth. I was so wrong.