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as a mom, i often feel out of step with other mothers... i became a birthmother in 1986.... i know what it feels like to be hated for my mere existence .... I am a mom raising 3 bio children... i know what it feels like to look into my own eyes... and hear my own laugh... i have stood by the graveside of two sons... one in 98 and one in 04... i am intimately familiar with loss... And i became an adoptive mom in 2008... i know that love is more than biology...i know that what i am about to write comes from my mothers heart... which reflects a mosaic of mothering experiences...but i also know... that many loving and compassionate adoptive moms feel the same way i do... without having to go thru my experiences...and these adoptive moms are our hope for the future generations of adopted kids and their birthmothers...because i love her birthmother... my love for her is whole and complete...when she squints her eye a certain way, i delight in telling her she looks just like auntie J...when she giggles and smiles... i find great joy and comfort in seeing her birthmothers face reflected...because i love her birthmother... i love all parts of her... she is half of her birthmother...because i love her birthfather... i love all parts of her... she is half of her birthfather...when i saw a childhood picture of her auntie T... i was thrilled to see my daughters arms... and hands!She is beautifully shaped and formed... in their images. Because i love them.... when i see them in her, i love her even more... my love for them overflows into her life.Because i love them.... when I talk to her about them... she knows my authenticity... my sincerity... and she will feel the overflow of my love for them onto her... and she will feel loved.... wholly and completely... for all that she is... Because i love her birthparents.... i love their extended families.... and i love sharing with them the amazing miracle of her life.Because i love her birthparents... i feel no fear. the future does not terrify me... only holds great hope... which will give her hope and security.Because i love her birthparents... i am very in tune to her grief and loss of these important people... even at 2 years old... i know when i need to hold her longer... and squeeze her tighter... i know when she needs me to love her in their place...Because i love her birthmother... i am perfectly at ease with being one of two moms.... and this will overflow onto her... she will be at ease loving us both.Because i love her birthparents ... i have hope that someday she will have a relationship with them... that she will grow strong and secure... be compassionate and kind... and have developed tools to navigate thru these relationships... and i will feel proud of her.Because i love her birthparents... i have no judgement... no critical spirit... of their lifestyle choices.... and this will overflow onto her... she will be strong, empathetic, kind and compassionate.because i love her birthparents... i never wish she had grown in my womb... she would not be who she is... and i love who she is...because i love her birthparents.... and because of how i love her.... my 19 year old daughter and my 18 year old niece both told me recently, that if they ever had a baby they could not properly care for, they would want me to adopt that baby.... wow. just wow.love is such a good thing.i know as birthmoms we get tired... we get tired of being hated... of being judged... of being criticized ... we get tired of being misunderstood... sometimes we get tired of being invisible.... of feeling like we have no voice.but we do have a voice. we really do. we need to keep speaking out... we need to keep announcing to the world who we are... and what we have been thru...it may be too late to change our experiences... but our experiences are changing the face of adoption... and more adoptive mothers than ever feel exactly how i do... and i love them!!! They are the hope for the future.
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Saya, itsme and sunshine... I am so glad you venture over to the birthmothers board. I think that this is how we gain insight and understanding of each other. You all have beautiful hearts.
Soprano... I tend to think that my varied experiences give me a different level of insight and understanding. But I think my compassion comes from having suffered great pain.... And I believe we are all capable of tremendous compassion... It is the result of taking our own pain, doing the emotional work... And coming out of it with a great capacity to have tenderness and compassion for others who are sufferring, even in different circumstances from ours.
I think because I am a birthmother, I understand that I am my adopted daughters mommy... Forever.
I understand that every time I kiss her toes.... Hold her when she's sad.... Laugh when she laughs... Feed her... Hug her.... Stay up all night with her... I understand that these are the threads that tie us together.
I understand that her birthmother has lost these irreplaceable moments.... That she can never be mommy.
I understand that maybe someday, there is hope that she may have a relationship with her birthmother... But what has been lost is gone. They can't recapture these years that I have with her... Their relationship will be different. And it is my greatest hope that they will become good friends!!!
Because I am raising 3 biological children... I understand how important connections to birthfamily are... I know how children need to weave into their identity their genetic history... To look like someone.... To laugh like someone.... To have grandpas nose.... And I love that open adoption can weave these things into my daughters identity.
Because I am a birthmother.... I understand the difficult nature of relinquishing. I understand being alone. I understand the shame. I understand the lack of counseling and information available. I understand societal myths. I understand feeling worthless.... And as an adoptive mom I am deeply understanding of her birthmothers journey. I know I am called to be the stronger one. The one who gives... The one who accommadates.
Because I am a birthmother.... I know being an adoptive mother is waaaay easier. It's amazingly joyful... Fulfilling... It is the position of power. And because I am a birthmother, I weild the power of adoptive mother wisely.
I think when we share our experiences... And adoptive mothers listen and learn.... Insight, understanding and wisdom follow. These are compassionate adoptive mothers.... Who have been able to take their own pain in Their own journey, and turn into deep empathy and compassion for their childs birthmother. Which, in turn, overflows into the heart of their child. Promising a bright future. Amazing.
I know being an adoptive mother is waaaay easier. It's amazingly joyful... Fulfilling... It is the position of power. And because I am a birthmother, I weild the power of adoptive mother wisely.I think when we share our experiences... And adoptive mothers listen and learn.... Insight, understanding and wisdom follow. These are compassionate adoptive mothers.... Who have been able to take their own pain in Their own journey, and turn into deep empathy and compassion for their childs birthmother. Which, in turn, overflows into the heart of their child. Promising a bright future. Amazing.
I know how children need to weave into their identity their genetic history... To look like someone.... To laugh like someone.... To have grandpas nose.... And I love that open adoption can weave these things into my daughters identity.
sunshine..... thank you for your whole post. it really touched my heart....
when i first came here, i poured out all my pain... grief... and raw emotions. i never had anyone to talk to before... i don't really think i thought that it would make a difference to anyone else... i don't think i could have thought that. i was too wounded... simply needed to pour it out, after years of having it bottled up.
but now... i do see that our voices make a difference. and that our stories matter.
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my goodness.... raven, your post made me cry too... i DO MISS jackie... i could never have made it thru without her... sometimes my heart aches from missing her... and you are very much way better than I at reaching out to those who need it... I'm not looking for a compliment, either.... simply stating the truth.
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Julie, thanks so much for sharing your story and what you wrote touched me so much. You put into words some of the feelings I have about my son's birth parents (amazing people I love, like and respect) and their extended families. Not everyone in my real life "gets" why it's so important to me to maintain those relationships or why I want to or that I love it! It's not a chore for me...I love these people and as you said, no child can ever be loved by too many people. We have an open adoption with our new baby's birth mother, too (birth father is not in the picture) and we feel incredibly lucky to love these children along with the people who created them and love them too. Hopefully our kids will never feel like they have to "pick" one family over the other...they'll just grow up knowing how much they are loved by ALL of us. :) Take good care and thank you again for sharing your story. :) I have learned so, so much from all sides of the triad, especially birth moms, and I like to think it's made me more empathetic, more open-minded, more understanding, more open, and a better mom over all. And that is my goal, always. :)