So Sick Of Feeling Guilty!

ah geeze, I'm sure part of the probelm is the bgps feel a little guilty..... I know it must suck to know you're not the "preferred" caretaker right now. That takes so much time. Are you seeing a family therapist? I hope you are - - someone that can help encourage attachment and show her the difference between unhealthy and healthy love. She's never known different, and neither has bgm. Which is sad. I know this is cheezy, but I'm suddenly struck by this feeling that it will be okay for you, that it will work out. No, I'm not pyschic - - - but really, I think she's on her way, even though you can't see it yet.

Wow thanks for the encouragement! I do see it as a positive thing that she wants my attention and affection. In fact, she begs for it! At least she is not rejecting me and telling me she hates me. I want both for her. A great relationship with mawmaw and a very close one with me as her mommy. I just don't know if mawmaw can handle this.

For what it is worth, my 5 year old bio daughter would move in with my mom today if I let her. She would happily come to visit her brothers and her parents, but she has no problem telling us that she prefers gram's house. This week we were remodeling her room so she stayed with her grandparents all week and cried on Saturday when it was over. She also gives gram all her art projects and writes her letters all the time. Did I mention they live two blocks away? I know your situation is different, but I hope it helps to know that typical kids have preferences and stages too. Being the consistent and stable mom is sometimes no fun, but in the long run it is the best!

I agree that it is very normal to have a strong attachment to your grandparents. My kids see my mom almost every day and their other grandma a couple times a month. They visit their cousins on either side approximately every other week for several hours or overnight. My mom moved to Florida for a year and a half a couple of years ago and my oldest son (this is a bio son) was pretty traumatized. I grew up visiting my grandparents approximately every other weekend from Friday night through Sunday night. My mom came along too so they weren't babysitting or anything. I did tons of stuff with them and was very attached and would have been traumatized if this had been taken away from me. I consider this attachment to have been very healthy and would be insulted if anyone considered it unhealthy just bc it is not the way their family did things. I don't know anything about your situation other than what you have said and only you know what is right for your family but there are a lot of people who see their grandparents all the time and it is completely normal.

Hey thanks ya'll! That's just what I needed was MORE GUILT! Well, this is NOT my bio daughter, she is my soon to be adopted daughter who I did not meet until she was 5 1/2years old!! We are trying our hardest to attatch with her but it is VERY hard. Have you ever adopted an older child??? I have no problem with strong attatchments to grandparents either. We are not required to have any contact whatsoever with them, but we do. That is because I DO value the relationship. However, I have two therapists, two caseworkers, and a CASA who have all told me they feel that the relationship with the grandma is very, very wierd! (to the point that the therapist who saw them in their grandparents home recommended that they not be allowed to adopt, even is they wanted to) It is not a matter of being different from the way we do things, it is damaging my daughter psychologically. My DD has reactive attatchment disorder and very low self esteem. She is completely helpless and unable to think for herself. I understand how traumatic it would be to stop visits, that's why we are still visiting!

{{{{myForeverkids3}}}} Not everybody gets it. About how bio grans had be so manipulative and self absorbed and just not see how the child need to attach to you and learn to let go of them just enough to be able to attach. Also, MOST people do not get RAD and think of course you should just treat them like any other normal well attached child and send them off to Grannies to be spoiled for the weekend. Good thing that you have many of us here that DO Understand and are here for you. Don't feel guilty. It is extremely hard work to bond with an unattached child and it would certainly be alot easier just to send them to grannies house. We get why you can't.:loveyou: SM

I will be adopting my stepson in a couple of months, most likely around June or so. He is 7.5. My husband and I found out he was my husband's son when he was 5.5 when the state contacted us. We met him for the first time when he was almost six and he was moved in with us at about 6.5 years old. It has been very difficult and I believe he has some attachment issues and possibly mild RAD which is why I come to these boards. His behaviors seem extreme to me but are probably nothing compared to what seasoned foster parents deal with. However, I do not feel that what we are experiencing is that far removed from what a foster-adopt parent experiences. The reason why I stated in my post that only you know what is right for your family is because of just that - Only you know what is right for your family. If you feel guilty then that is on you - not me, not your children, and not your children's grandparents and it is not fair to blame others or punish others for your own emotions. If you only wanted people to encourage you to decrease contact and cut off gifts (which will probably make your children upset one day when they find out what happened) then state that in your posts. One day, we are going to have to answer to my STBAS and tell him the reason why he didn't get to see his mom (at least for now) is bc it made him violent toward his younger brother and he didn't get to see his grandma bc well, she never called and asked to see him, even though CPS strongly encouraged us to keep contact with them on a regular basis. (And believe me, they have plenty of issues but CPS still strongly recommended this and I believe rightly so.) I know this day will come and am fully prepared to deal with it and accept the consequences of our actions because I am confident we are doing the right thing - he may understand but he may also disown us and that will be his right to do so. Just be confident in yourself because no one else really knows the nuances of your case but if you are feeling guilty - then maybe it is your conscience telling you something. I have read many of the threads that you have started about this situation and until this post you have really only said good things about the grandparents which confuses me a little. To me they have sounded loving, caring, concerned, and appropriate. They may not know all the theoretical and psychological foster parenting techniques but you have made them sound, to me, as generally good people who love and cherish their grandchilren. Previously and on multiple occasions, you said that the grandparents could have kept them but felt it was too much due to their age. From everything I know, which is probably minimal, they decided that in the best interest of their grandchildren that they should be adopted by someone else and that person is you. To me, I don't understand why you don't love them and respect them for that reason alone. To me, there is nothing about this situation that should make you feel jealous of their relationship or in competition with the grandparents - they are the grandparents and you are the mommy. But that is just my opinion and my opinion really doesn't mean anything. Only you know what the right thing is for your situation.

On the outside it would appear that my daughters grandparents are loving and appropriate - but they have certainly NOT been in the past, and unfortunatly that is a foundation from which I have to work from. Ending visits WAS traumatic for her, but continuing them wasn't healthy either. I would LOVE to be able to include them in my daughters life, and I know that they desperately want that - but they won't agree to repair any of the damage they caused and I don't trust that they won't just do more. So to allow them in at this point, I would be causing huge backslides in an already painfully slow process. It's a difficult decision to make - but for us, atleast for now, I believe that contact would cause more harm than good. We need our daughter to form a secure bond with us before we can even think about reopening the door to the grandparents. It's a slippery slope, but I am prepared to answer for the decisions I make today, when/if my daughter questions them in the future.

I don't think she said any of that.Let's just be a little more supportive and a little less quick to .......well.....whatever you want to call it. This is a new adoptive Mom who is doing her best to navigate a tricky OA and form a strong attachment to her new child at the same time. Why don't we just give her some support.SM

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh or judgemental. I do believe firmly that she blamed me for her emotion of feeling MORE GUILTY most likely without even recognizing she had done so and I was trying to point it out to help her reflect a little on this possible thought process as it could lead to feeling like a victim. She has pointed out many times that she is a 'pushover' and lets others bully her around and so I was trying to point out that thought process and tell her to get more confident and believe in herself and her own opinions; it might help her with the issues she is having. It sounds as if she is doing a wonderful job and I am sorry if my post came across as unsupportive but that was not my intention as I am sure it was not her intention to blame me for making her feel guilty.

perhaps I am misreading your posts crj. In your first post, you detail how you (the adoptive family) have a great constant relationship with your stepsons adoptive grandparents. -Thats not the issue here. These are the childs bfamily grandparents that are making choices, for whatever reason, that are making it harder for them to bond to the adoptive family. (perhaps you could put yourself in her shoes by imagining how you would feel if your step sons maternal gma started pushing gifts and demanding more visits) In your second post you indicate that Mfk3 should be confident in her desicions and love and respect the bgparents. You also say that she hasonly said good things about them on multiple occasions. -IMHO, she clearly labeled this a VENT. Venting is giving voice to a frustrating situation in the heat of the moment. Some people do this to help decrease stress, and gain perspective. She clearly loves and respects the gparents. She is frustrated by the current climate and worried over her attachment process with the child. Vaild and stressful concerns. In your third post you seem to apologize, but offer a sort of backhanded apology, pointing out you've given her somthing to reflect on and that she allows other to bully her. -Intentionally or not, you appear to be the one doing the bullying here. Something in the writing of your posts has left the readers feelingless than supported and encouraged. It has left them feeling that you have passed inappropriate judgement on the OP. But like I said, maybe I'm reading your post wrong.....

To the OP, I want to apologize if I said anything misleading. I in know way underestimate the presence of RAD or any other attachment issues. I agree with what everyone said about you determining visits, etc. It just made me think that I have to "be the bad guy" with my daughter all the time with her grandparents too. The reasons are different, but to the girls, it is probably the same feeling of being mad at mom for saying no to grandma. I hope that makes sense, it was never meant any other way.

No, you didn't offend me and I do think you are right that it is no different to the kids. To them grandma is grandma!

crj78' Please understand that my original post was just about venting. It is ok for adoptive parents to have feeling and emotions of their own and I stated from the beginning that this was a "selfish rant". I don't think the complexity of my true feelings can be expressed on a web forum! Yes, I have said positive things about these grandparents because there are many positives and I am thankful that my kids where in their care until they could be adopted by us. They were safe and loved! However, these relationships are rarely ever ALL positive and there are some very serious issues that need to be addressed. Yes, the state would have allowed them to adopt and they chose not to. But, the therapist's opinion to the court was that it was not a healthy environment in terms of attatchment and discipline. The court ignored the counselor's opinion. Hope that makes sense because I can see how it could be confusing. I do think that your situation with your stepson is similar to foster adoption and I am sure it has come with it's own challenges. Try to remember that these are grandparents who these kids lived with full time for over a year and a half. Basically, they are the same as birthparents. I know that I have posted A LOT about this situation. I guess that is because I have very few people to talk to about this that understand the complexities of older child adoption. I am ok with people disagreeing with me when I ask for advice, but that is not what I ask for in this post! I have been super stressed out lately, working full time, fighting a kidney infection for 3 months, taking my 2 yr old to 3 different specialists, kids ear infections, therapy once a week for my older two, once a month visits from the CW, can't figure how we are going to pay for this behavior specialist for my 2 yr old, her birth family asking for visits then cancelling, her hair is falling out no one knows why, early intervention is dropping her because of budget cuts, my DH just lost his grandpa, my mom is fighting lymphoma (and lives 11 hours away), my sister might be having her children removed from her home because she won't leave her husband, baseball is about to start (2 practices and a game every week) and I promised my 6 yr old I would take her horseback riding! Wow that felt great! It may sound whiny to you, but there is no where else I can just get that out! That's why I post over and over again about the same darn thing. If you don't want to hear me whine, then move on and read a different post. You are right, no one can MAKE you feel guilty unless you let them! I guess there for a minute, I did let you.

I'm struggling with this as well. The complicating factor is the "grammy" is my aunt. I can't cut her out of our life and she DID have the expectation - by having a family member adopt, they'd keep access to the princess. Her brother still lives with grammy and the kids are close. The problem is getting her settled/bonded in our family. Her behavior worsens when she's in contact with that home, which I resent getting "stuck" with. Internally, I'll be dreaming about things like our "first" Easter.. then have her "dad" or grammy talk about us getting together for the holiday. Balancing their needs with mine gets super frustrating We've finally set up a visitation plan she spends the weekend there. 3 weeks later, her brother spends the weekend here.. 3 weeks later, we repeat vent away any time.. Sometimes it helps to be heard.