Desperately Need Direction

Is there a specific reason why you can't share this information with her that you've shared here? You've just told the entire internet why you did what you did - but you haven’t' responded to a single letter/attempt at contact from her.I don’t mean that in an attacking way – I’m simply pointing out that you took the time to write this – what is keeping you from writing something to her? It’s my firm opinion as an adopted adult as well as a birth mother that information about your familial health matters and her genetic roots is just as much hers as it is yours and at the very least, you should take some time to sit down and write her a note filling in the gaps pertaining to that.In the vast majority of cases – adoptees seek acknowledgment and information about their familial medical history and roots. It would be hard for someone not adopted to understand what it feels like not knowing things that are so second nature to those not adopted.I don’t agree with what she’s doing – she’s going about the issue all wrong – but I can certainly understand her desperation and the reaching out to any/everyone who may be able to fill in the ‘gaps’. There are a couple of things I’d like to point out:It may be against the ‘law’ in CT for her to gain your information from official sources – but it’s not against the law for any adult to use available resources to seek out and contact another adult. In terms of the law – you are legal strangers – they can’t treat this situation any differently than they’d treat any other situation where a stranger looked up your info on the internet and contacted you. The laws in states with sealed records apply only to ‘official means’ – that means that under the law, they can’t legally release your information unless you allow it, which you did not. She likely used many of the available resources on the internet to seek out your identity and reach out…which isn’t covered by the law.Writing letters and making phone calls aren’t grounds for a protective order.You can file a lawsuit – but for what? You can only sue on your behalf, not your family members. I’m not saying what she’s doing is right or wrong – I’m just not sure you’re going to get what you want. Finally – agencies who assist in searches historically share very little information with those searching. Beyond “she wants no contact” she was likely told nothing with regards to why – even if you shared it. Again, I’m not advocating for her methods – just trying to give a little insight into her motivations.Keep in mind – you’re the vocal minority when it comes to searching. If she’s been searching and participating in online communities and working with others in the adoption community – she’s in flooded with the, “I would give anything for contact with my placed child” mantra that is so prevalent in the adoption community. Those who don’t wish for contact or don’t wish to be involved in reunion aren’t participating in these types of communities – just something to consider. Not all birth parents want contact – those that don’t generally don’t hang out in places where adoptees are talking about searching – so they’re only hearing from those who are interested in reunion. “Be prepared for any outcome” may not be something she ever heard.She’s probably angry. Resentful. Hurt. Any number of things – she’s likely been told all her life how much you loved her and how you made a loving decision and the like – your response (or lack of) very likely upended her life as much as it upended yours. I’d encourage you to reach out in a letter and give her the medical information that is so important for all adults – while also sharing some familial information related to her roots – then share with her why you don’t want contact. Ask her to please respect your wishes. So far, she’s heard from a financially motivated adoption agency that isn’t vested in the outcome and a bitter and angry relative who wants nothing more than to see you hurt. It’s very likely her lashing out now has everything to do with that…In searching – we operate on a lot of ‘assumptions’ just as you have in your posting here. Hopefully, she can be respectful of your wishes if you offered basic information.Again, I’m not trying to be mean or harsh – just offering a view you might not have considered. I wish you luck. This is a difficult position to be in – for both of you.

Perhaps I can provide some input from an adoptee perspective.. First of all, I respect your decision to not be contacted by your biological daughter. My biological mother told the agency that placed me the same thing, and while it hurts a little bit to know that she was so sure about not wanting any future contact with me, I like to think that her reason for requesting that she not be contacted is similar to yours: she was grieving and thought that meeting me one day would be too painful. However, your bio-daughter does have the right as an adoptee to want to know where she came from, as well as the right to pursue her biological family. I do not think that she was disrespecting you by seeking you out, despite what the agency told her. She has that right - just like I have the right to search for information about my biological family, even though my biological mother went to great lengths to prevent me from having access to her personal information. You have to take into consideration, though, the fact that - with the Internet being such a part of people's lives - it really is not that difficult to find information about people these days. It is a fact of life that information about you and your family is accessible online, and that information is public, whether you like it or not. So, if this information was easy for her to find...it is hard for me to blame her for taking advantage of that. Your "privacy" is not necessarily a privilege anymore, in this age of the Internet - whether you like it or not [I mean, I don't like knowing that people can find out where I live by searching for my last name on Google...]. If it's available on the web, then anyone can utilize it. What she does not have the right to do is harass you. She certainly could have handled her methods of contacting you and other members of her biological family in a more respectful, subtle way. If I understand correctly, she was contacted first, before she contacted you and sent profane letters, yes? If this is the case, it seems like she has the wrong idea about the situation surrounding her adoption because her beliefs are based on what this person told her. So, again, can you blame her for reacting the way that she has? Of course, she should not disrespect you, or slander you to your family members and friends, but perhaps she is reacting this way because she does not know any better - have you considered reaching out to her and telling her the actual facts surrounding her adoption? Based on what you're sharing here, it seems to me that she is reacting in anger, hurt, etc. because she has heard negative things about her adoption from someone other than you. If you want to stop the harassment, then I would suggest contacting her and setting her straight. Otherwise, she will continue to live her life misinformed, and it will probably continue to take a heavy emotional toll on her. As an adoptee...I hope that you'll consider her side of the story, and how she may be feeling. She doesn't sound to me like a bad person...she sounds like she is misguided and acting out because what she knows of her adoption has hurt her and caused her a lot of emotional trauma. She's clearly angry. We all react poorly in the face of anger at one time or another. Before you take serious action - i.e. a restraining order or something of that nature - why don't you do the simplest thing and contact her? You could send her a long letter that tells the real story of her adoption. You can try and empathize with her - tell her that she has been misinformed and that you want to set the story straight not only for the purpose of ending the harassment but also to benefit her. She is, after all, the child that you gave birth to. You, of course, have the right and the option of doing nothing. But, what good would that ultimately do? It's clear that you are both angry, and hurting, for different reasons. If you have the ability to ease some of your biological daughter's suffering...wouldn't you want to be able to do that? Call it "being the bigger person," if you will. I imagine you could benefit from setting the story straight, too. For one thing, sharing the truth with her may prompt her to end the harassment, the letters, etc. It may also give her a sense of peace she has never known regarding her adoption. You've not been her mother for her entire life - this, in my opinion - is something that a mother would do. It may make you feel better, too, in the long run - knowing your voice was heard and the truth was put out there, even if she chooses to accept it or dismiss it. The other thing I am thinking is that she may very well just be hurting tremendously, and she may be reacting this way to get your attention. There have been times in my life that I thought, it would be so amazing to know that biological mother knows about my life and who I have become...in short, many adoptees just want the attention of the biological mother who they feel abandoned them. While her behavior is inexcusable, you have to consider how her life has been as an adoptee. It's not easy, just like the life of a woman who relinquishes her child. You and your biological daughter are not that different. Please just remember that. My final suggestion would be to share the truth about her adoption with her. If she accepts it, perhaps she can begin healing and she will leave you alone, as you requested all those years ago. Or, perhaps it will be the beginning of some kind of relationship - are you honestly 100% opposed to a relationship with her? I hope you'll update us. Reading this post this morning has made me feel very strongly for your bio-daughter...I can honestly say that I might react similarly to her, had I received the information she had. I empathize with her, and hope that you'll consider all of your options before acting. I wish that I had an opportunity to talk to my biological mother, so please, don't write her off just yet.