First meeting and now feeling overwhelming guilt

Masimini, what happened to you was truly tragic, but you have to try to not let that interfere with your relationship with your son. Even though it was a terrible thing for you, he did not have this experience and cannot be responsible for healing you. I think the reunion is bringing up so much more intensely all the anger, grief, rage, sadness, etc., of what happened to you. You were violated and taken advantage of, and lost your child as a result. I think you need to try and work out these issues on your own with an independent counselor/therapist and try to come to terms with it (as best as you can come to terms with such a trauma). In some ways, I think it's better that your son is in another state. Distance is good. It will allow you time to process all the whirlwind of emotions you are dealing with. You really don't want this to spill over onto your son where he is feeling burdened or overwhelmed by this. To be honest, the contact you have with your son thus far seems very appropriate and not moving too slowly at all. It may seem that way to you given all the heightened emotions you are feeling, but I would try and just take a deep breath and really think about using this time to try and begin working through these strong feelings, preferably with the help of a therapist. I hope I am not overstepping my bounds in stating this. I am not sure if therapy is typically something you would pursue in your culture, but honestly, I cannot imagine going through reunion without some kind of counseling. There may also be reunion support groups in your area you could look into where you can talk to other natural mothers and adoptees who have gone through it. Anything you can do to relieve stress and anxiety (exercise, relaxation, meditation, massage, etc.) is helpful, IMO. What kind of support system do you currently have, outside of the board here?

@JUST Peachy I am not sure if you have had your reunion with yur bson. Also I think you missed my point when you said "Even though it was a terrible thing for you, he did not have this experience and cannot be responsible for healing you". I have never ever said that it was my son's responsibility to heal me. I am not sure how you can be off track like that. Please keep in mind that all reunions are different. I don't know the cirmcustances under which you relinquished your child. If it was your choice then you might not have the same emotions that I have.Pepole grieve differently and it might take me longer than some on else. So what if it takes me a long time? My bson says he undertands that I will never forget what happened? I did work out some issues on my own as I said before Nov18 was the day I received the letter from Midwest AdoptionCenter. I met my son April 2nd 2010. Thank God we are still working on our relationship. His sister emailed him a couple of days ago and that to me is the greatest gift from God. When I attended my Reunion I just did not plan on what to say and not say. I also vowed to tell him the truth nothing but the truth- nothing was off limits. I just went with the flow ,and as a result my Reunion with my bson was a sucess. I am grateful that he is compassionate human being. I can blow steam with my counselor, on this site but I will never let my bson feel overwhelmed or obligated to heal me.It was neccessary for me to look him in the eye and tell him that I am sorry - that I did not scream loud, alert the media, fight for him. It was important for me to look him in the eye and I ask for his forgiveness. It was important for him to undertand that I was a fool to let people take him away and that I regret my actions. Not all adoptees are the same.All Reunions will never be the same. I look forward to getting to know my bson better and I do plan to earn his trust one day. Last week when he said he was proud of me- that was another joyful moment in my life.

I'm sorry to have upset you Masimini. I realize now that my words sound accusatory, and no, you did not say your son was responsible for healing you. I think I made a wrong assumption based on reading into your message something that wasn't there. My apologies.

I know exactly how you feel, your situation was horrible and tragic, but the feelings are the same for me. I feel like someone ripped out my heart, and yes I love my bson so very much, just like my other children. When he comes to visit and then leaves, its like they took him away again.. Have you talked to someone in the professional field, I think it would help you to express this to someone with some professional background. I know it is hard, but remember you have friends and support on here. Thank God for that. You sound like you are in overwhelming pain and I pray for you to be able to heal. You can not change the last 28 years, but you can make your future reunion happy and healthy. I have been writing my feelings down everyday in a journal, and I talk to my husband, I hope you have someone to help you through this. If not, you can always send me a line and I will gladly help you if I can. Please take care and let me know how your doing with all this.

@ Lar2010Thank You so much for your caring and your kind words really uplifted me. I know when he was walking leaving after giving me a hug that was really hard. I am still tryng to recover from surgery.I will be talking to my Psychologist tomorrow and I will indeed send you a line.. Some times I forget I just met my bson in April 3rd 2010 and I am surprised by the emotions that I am going through. I would never subject him to any of this. My support system right now is not good because I am with my 17 year old TEENAGE son. My daughters is away in college.When I found out that the case worker that took my child attended the same church as the a mother and they were friends that made me so angry. The caseworker took my son and gave him to unmarried woman that had already adopted one child. Meanwhile she preached al the sins that Ihad committed as Catholic Christian and the importance of two parent home...Thank you for praying for me because I truly need it.

@ Justpeachy Its okay I am sure you meant no harm. I am dealing with emotional issue and physical l due to surgery.Thank you for your support.

@ Justpeachy Its okay I am sure you meant no harm. I am dealing with emotional issue and physical l due to surgery.Thnak you for your support.

It was really good to hear from you again. I am glad to hear you are talking to someone. I have a great support in my husband, but sometimes it just doesn’t seem like enough. I need to really talk, you know, really let go. I have been trying to just get through my days and telling myself everything is ok. Yea it worked for a week then I just broke. I truly need to get professional help, that’s what I am doing now. You just reunited on April 3, 2010, I just reunited on April 6, 2010. So yes the emotions are really raw, and you get a real reality check real quick. I am always here to help and talk with you, never be hesitant to write to me. You can even send me a private message if you like. You are going through exactly what I am, so we understand the emotions of each other. It is going to be a long, hard road but we will get through this. I am so sorry the way it happened, that is awful how she attended the same church and all. There are many books out there that will help you understand that what you are going through is normal. After I meant my bson, the next day I fell apart I cried for days non stop, felt like I just couldn’t go on. It is very painful. I really thought I was loosing my mind and was going to end up in the hospital, til I read books on what you go through, the loss the grief, all that. Anyway, I will continue to pray for your recovery from surgery and in healing yourself from this terrible trauma you endured. Take care and write me soon. Lisa

Hi, I'm new I too have been treated badly from the state. My bdaughter was born on March 18, 1991 in the beginning she had a breathing problem so she had to be on a breathing machine for 3 mnths after she was born her lungs wasn't fully developt and she also had a hole in her heart, Which later on I found out it was hereditary. Anyways the doctors put her on a special formula that was prescribed to her so naturally I was under the state, A nurse would come out to my home and check up on her to see if she's ok. Well 2wks. before my bdaughter first b-day,The nurse came to my house when I wasn't there and weighed her she said she was a pound under weight to the baby-sitter when it was all said and done she left and called social services and said a bunch of lies about me and my bdaughter. By the way I was at my Grand-father's funeral. So when I got home my baby-sitter told me she came by and about my Bdaughter. So I thaught ok the next thing I new CPS,COPS and the nurse was at my door telling me that they were there to take her away. I lost my home and was on the streets, I tried to get off but it just got harder and harder. Finally after 2 yrs. of being on the streets and having visitations with my bdaughter the state told me to sign her over for open adoption or lose her for good to closed adoption. So I thought about it and decided I wanted the best for her so I agreed to open adoption, well guess what happened I got it for 2 yrs. the whole time the adoptive parents lying to me told me after the two yrs. was up that I couldn't see her anymore. Well now as of March 18th of this year she has turned 19 by law I should be able to have contact with her but her adoptive mother won't let me. You see they are telling me that she has Reactive Attachment Disorder and Pervasive Development Disorder. When I called to wish her a happy B-Day I talked with her adoptive father and he told me that she has been in a group home since she was 17yrs old, so we talked for awhile and he asked me to wait until she graduated High School so I agreed. Well now she is graduated and they still won't let me have any contact with her, I feel that they are blaming me for what has happened all I want to do is reunite with my Bdaughter but I also don't want to confuse her anymore than she is. So my question is should I proceed and call Social Services and see what my rights are or should I back off and possibly lose her for good. What if she doesn't come and look for me. I'm scared that her adoptive mother will have some kind of influence on that. Please help me and give me advise, I've waited 16 yrs. I don't know if I can wait anymore, I love her and I'm also confused about this situation. Thank you and sincerely, ShawnaM

So much of what has been said in this thread is exactly how I feel. I placed my birth-son for adoption 41 yrs ago and he found me Feb 23rd of this yr. The day after his birthday. Every year I grieved and prayed that he was well and happy. Our reunion went well. I flew to his area to meet him and his family. His amom would not meet me. I told him I was an open book and answered all of his questions. I helped him contact his birth father & family. I still have so many periods of depression and anger. He has met his birth father's Parents, brother & sister but canceled plans to meet my family. He tells me he will keep me up to date with his family but didn't let me know when his son had surgery this week or when he was going to meet his b-dad's extended family. I want to know everything and be involved. He says he knows me well but doesn't respond or share as much as I had hope and had been led to believe. I know my expectations are unreasonable but I don't seem to be able to control my emotions and need. I'm trying to accept that he is everything I had prayed for - happy & healthy and try not to interfere even though it's from a distance and only via facebook & email. I know I'm not alone and hope this ramble & rant help others know that they are not alone. Thanks.

Hello everyone. Havent been on here in some time. I been without a computer for awhile but am trying to update here. Things are going pretty good, I mean I still have my days of sadness, more sadness than the overwhelming grief and loss. I miss him terribly when I donҒt see him, but I am adjusting to it. Patience is a big thing I am learning to master. It is very important in this. I just want to give a BIG thanks to everyone on here that has came to me and supported me. Yes this forum is amazing, I know I can always come here and someone will be here for me. The advice is soooo helpful and I dont know what I would do without all of you. Hope everyone has a good and safe holiday. Take care. Again thanks for the support.

I am sorry things happened that way, you must be in great pain. I see nothing wrong with contacting someone about your rights. I dont know if I would contact the place that handled it, I would go to an outside source. There is a lot of information on this site about your rights, adoptee rights, all that. I would start there. You really donҒt know what your daughter has been through or is going through. You dont know if the aparents told her something completely different that what really happened. This you must do on your own. But prepare yourself for all that will come your way, read EVERYTHING you can find on reunions, feelings, emotions, whatever you can find. You need to understand and be able to handle what you are about to do. I went into a reunion with m bson unprepared and uneducated, from experience, you do not want to do it this way. It is heartbreaking and very stressful. I was researching about adoption, reunions, and my rights when I came across the forum. You can look up by state and see what you as a birth mom have the right to see in that file, what kind of identifying info you can have. She may not look for you, but the adopted parents donҒt really have any control over what you can and cant do, That is up to your daughter. My son came to me and my husband first without telling his aparents about us. Just take things slow, educate yourself, and think before you act. Good luck to you and come back here for help and post your thoughts.

Shawnam: I am sorry things happened that way, you must be in great pain. I see nothing wrong with contacting someone about your rights. I dont know if I would contact the place that handled it, I would go to an outside source. There is a lot of information on this site about your rights, adoptee rights, all that. I would start there. You really donҒt know what your daughter has been through or is going through. You dont know if the aparents told her something completely different that what really happened. This you must do on your own. But prepare yourself for all that will come your way, read EVERYTHING you can find on reunions, feelings, emotions, whatever you can find. You need to understand and be able to handle what you are about to do. I went into a reunion with m bson unprepared and uneducated, from experience, you do not want to do it this way. It is heartbreaking and very stressful. I was researching about adoption, reunions, and my rights when I came across the forum. You can look up by state and see what you as a birth mom have the right to see in that file, what kind of identifying info you can have. She may not look for you, but the adopted parents donҒt really have any control over what you can and cant do, That is up to your daughter. My son came to me and my husband first without telling his aparents about us. Just take things slow, educate yourself, and think before you act. Good luck to you and come back here for help and post your thoughts.

My son has finnally moved and he just emailed his new address. He gets to close on his new home June 6th. Currently he is in Jamaica for a wedding and will be back in the States tomorrow.We have had had some great emails. I have decided to let him call me what ever he wants. I can't be competitive to be called " mom'. I plan to enjoy a fellowship with him and get to know him. I am so glad he has such a good sense of humour when things get sticky. I am sort of disturbed that he wants to meet his father. However I will provide all the information and let him know that I Have no desire for relatioship with his father.He now wants to know about his fathers culture.

Lar2010 I can relate!!!!! I miss my son a lot. I look forwad to the day we will meet again. My solution I email my self and write everyhing I want to say to him when I get too lonely. I don't want to spook him. In reality I have gotten six emails from him this month but he never calls.The emails are not enough. You have to be strong and keep your self busy.One thing for sure what a counellor said was that I have to take care fo my self.find a hobby to fill the time and give him space. I hate that word give him space but you must.My therapist was so biased untill I found out she is an adoptive mother thats preventing her 15 year old son from finding his bparents. I was not geting any thing form her but negative talk about birth mothers..