Promises Promises?

Hoo boy, that's a tough one. I totally understand not wanting to circumvent her mom right now. Especially since your daughter is still living at home. I think you are handling this as best as you can right now, with letting amom take the lead, but I think I might try to pin her down on some specific dates and see how she responds to that. In terms of not replying to emails, I think every so often I would also send some "gentle reminders" i.e. "have you given any more thought to what I mentioned in my previous email about xyz? Here's what I was thinking...." Do you communicate only via email? In terms of a birthday card, I think I would just send one if my child's address was provided to me. I wouldn't think you'd need amom's permission for that one. And have you spoken directly to your daughter at all? I don't see any harm in telling her you've set up a facebook (or whatever) for her to view pictures and such, and providing her with that information. I dunno. I used to primarily communicate with my son's parents (indirectly through the agency), but when he was around 21, the agency told me that communication really needed to shift from the parents to between me and him directly. Granted, he was older than 18, but I believe still living at home at that time (when he wasn't at school). I was just so used to sending and receiving stuff to and from his parents, and really relied on them so much for updates, but totally understood that as an adult, it was now my son's decision as to how he wanted to proceed with contact. Now I'm writing to my son a lot more, but he has been very slow to reply (despite indicating his desire to be in touch), if he replies at all. I know he's busy, too, and probably has a lot stirred up in him, and that's OK. We all know reunions are not easy to navigate. It's really a tough balancing act and at times I wish I actually DID have his parent's input and involvement! I still write to them but correspondence is sent through my son, and I haven't heard back from them either. I imagine they don't want to circumvent my son, as they want it to be his decision and choice, and I get that, too, but often find myself wishing I could just have a normal independent relationship with all of them without all the complications and difficult emotions that adoption brings to the table. Getting back to your situation, I think 18 is not an easy age. You are technically an "adult" but still very much a teen and under your parent's influence. My guess is that as your daughter approaches 20 or 21, you two will be able to have a more "one on one" relationship. That's not to say you would dismiss her mom altogether, but I think by then you could have an independent relationship with your daughter that would be much more comfortable for both of you. In the meantime, I would try to find a way to communicate your needs without being pressuring. I wouldn't sit passively by and say nothing. I would mention the visit again, ask her mom if she has had time to think about some dates, and let her know you'd like to have something set up soon to get it on your calendar. Maybe mention some dates that are open for you and see if they also work for her and your daughter. If your daughter's mom really doesn't want to do this visit, she should come out and say so instead of leaving you on the hook. I'd much rather hear that there was a change in plans (as disappointing as that would be) than to be left hanging. And there is nothing wrong with asking for a definite answer either way.

It is a toughie..... Lately we've been communicating through FB, specifically chat. If there is something I think to ask instead of waiting to see her on there I'll send her a message. As far as the card, I usually send one to the house addressed to her mom, this year considering that her mom was the one who brought up the fact that at 18 she can decide for herself who she wants a relationship with, I mentioned addressing the card directly to DD. When she didn't answer, I didn't send it. I don't think she has gotten any of the cards I'd sent in the years before, but I have this stupid b-day card sitting in my house and I'm not sure why I didn't send it. When I mentioned it to her mom that I didn't send it, she just said that" well, we'll get you two together this summer." When she told me she and DD were looking at my pictures on FB, I sent a message asking if she thought DD would like to be friends so she can have access to them as well. Haven't heard yet. I try not to ask permission because I really don't "have" to, but I think it's a respect thing given that I've never had direct contact with DD. Her answer to a lot is "well, this summer....." Which I can deal with, unless this summer doesn't happen. I figure by the time DD is off to college, either we'll have met and at that point we'll have more direct communication, or I'll have been blown off and I would consider contacting DD directly. I also wonder if she does blow it off, if DD would question it (like "Hey, how come we aren't going to see Brown?") and how that would be explained. Or she'd assume that since it didn't happen, someone wasn't OK with it and just let it go. Her mom has said she's OK with all of this, and it was her idea, so it really could be just flakiness. I really do like her, and have no intention of cutting her out at any point since we have our own relationship anyway. She and her mom are close as well. But I do think it's time for me and her to start having our own relationship, especially if we are going to meet. I can't imagine going from no contact to f2f, and that's me, I can only guess she'd be overwhelmed as well. I'm going to try to catch her online, but I almost think I have to start protecting myself and coming to terms with what happens if she flakes out of this too, KWIM?

I would highly encourage you to send that card. Is it way past her birthday and too late to send? Maybe you can do a "belated" one? I think at this point, you really shouldn't need permission from mom to address a card to your 18 year old daughter! Especially if you have been having regular communication with her and she knows your intention on this anyway. I don't think it would really be overstepping to do this. As a compromise, you could also address the letter to "Daughter's Name, c/o Amom's name" but I really don't think that would be necessary. I couldn't agree more. And the perfect way to start would be in smaller steps, like addressing a card to her directly. You can add your return address and simply mention that she is welcome to write to you if this is something she would like to do. To be honest, your daughter's mom sounds passive-aggressive to me. And I think your daughter is old enough that if she gets a friend request from you, she can decide for herself at 18 if she want's to accept it. You did let her mom know your intentions, so it's not like it would be coming out of the blue. I would still keep mom in the loop and such, and keep the lines of communication open, but move toward not asking so much permission for things but rather being up front about your feelings. Given the fact that she brought up meeting F2F, there is nothing wrong with you asserting yourself and saying that you would like to get to know your daughter a bit before meeting her in person, and therefore would like to friend her on Facebook, and then do so. I think if your daughter is not ready, she will either ignore your friend request or tell you she is not ready for that. I may be way off with this, but I hate, hate, hate tiptoeing around and walking on eggshells. I can only do so much of it before I just lay it on the line and let the chips fall where they may. I realize things have to be approached delicately and with more consideration of the complexities in adoption reunion, however, there is no reason that you cannot make your wishes known and there is no reason your daughter cannot decide for herself how she wants to approach this, you know? Her mom shouldn't put ideas in either of your heads about getting together if she has no real intention to follow through with it. You may want to put the F2F on the back burner for now, try to gently reach out to your daughter and open up the lines of communication, and just meet with her when she is not so much under her mom's influence. Just a thought.

I just wanted to say that I TOTALLY get what you mean about telling people about her, about wanting to but not wanting to since you don't know if the visit is for sure etc etc. I've been struggling with that a lot myself. Since I first found my son, he'd been talking about how he wanted to come visit. The summer before last, it *nearly* happened. I got my hopes up (but still didnt tell anyone but my DH and maybe people here or other really good friends, you know?) and then he decided to go to Alaska to see his brother... Then last summer he made noises again, this time I didn't buy into it. THIS summer he'd been making noises again, I was not saying much or thinking much or feeling much BUT NOW HIS TICKETS ARE BOOKED. *phew* He and his fiancee even decided not to teach this summer (they are both math teachers) and asked if they could stay LONGER. AAAAAOMG I guess what I'm saying is that there IS hope for you! but it might take a while before it happens. It would be good if it could happen before she starts college on the one hand, as who knows what she'll want to do next summer, you know? I guess since you threw the idea out of friending on FB and got no NEGATIVE response, then I wouldn't see anything wrong with giving it a go and seeing what happens. Her mom is a friend onFB right? So it's not like you'd be going behind her back, as she can see wall posts etc etc, would know that you two are friends etc etc. I am like JP in that I would also prefer people would just SAY it like it is! than give false hopes etc etc. Wish I had more advice Brown!

Don't worry about not having anymore advice! I think at this point I'm looking more for different perspectives, and you and JP have been great as usual :) You probably also know that walking on eggshells pretty much describes the past 4 years that I've had a relationship with DD's mom. I hate it too. The thing is that I had always intended on waiting until DD graduated college and asking for DD's e-mail so I can open up a line of communication between us given that she would no longer be living home. When her mom told me about how she offered her a f2f, I was really psyched, but a little taken aback too because we never discussed it. One minute it was like "yeah, I think I should introduce you this summer" and the next was "I told her we could come out to see you." Don't get me wrong, I'm totally into it, but I felt a little surprised.... it's such a HUGE thing and she never discussed with with me or asked how I felt about it before she went to DD with it. What if I wasn't ready to actually meet DD yet? It's all good stuff, but I feel like I'm being a bit blindsided here. If the visit doesn't happen, it's not the actual visit that I'll be upset about, it's the false hope. Because of the middle man dynamic, I'll never know if the visit didn't materialize because DD backed out (which I'd TOTALLY support) or because her mom overcommitted herself as usual. I'm just guessing here, but I feel like she's taken control of this reunion as a way of cementing her place in it. I don't think she realizes that she does have a place regardless. Reunion really should be about me and DD, and I love that she's supporting this, but I fear she's also making it about her first, and it shouldn't be that way. There's always been this unspoken rule that I wouldn't contact DD directly unless I get the green light. I know that she's 18, and you'd think that if it's OK for her to meet me it's OK if she gets a birthday card or be friends on FB however both those things don't directly involve her mom's involvement, which is IMO why she is stalling. I had hoped to talk to her about some of this, so I had always planned on asking to call her, but she brought up a phone call first. Now that she's put that on the back burner, I'm afraid she'll eventually put the f2f on the back burner too. I'm going to work on being up front with her like JP suggested, I have always put myself on the back burner as well, and I think she needs to realize that if we are going to do this together, we need to actually communicate and be respectful of everyone, and that includes me too! Thanks for your responses :grouphug:

It is tough but I have stopped prepping for visits as there have been a few that have been cancelled on the day of. I don't hold much stock in their words anymore, which is a shame, but there is only so much one can take before one doesn't hold much to words that are spoken. Hopefully, she will step up and let you know something at some point!!

Brown, I'm glad you are feeling more confident in discussing this with your daughter's amom and I'm glad I could offer some options that work for you. I think your instincts are spot on in that your daughter's amom is trying to cement her place in the reunion, but it bothers me that she is controlling this so much. I realize she doesn't want to be left out, nor should she be, but part of me wishes you could have your first F2F be between just you and your daughter, assuming your daughter would want that, too. Anyway, I hope you will be able to discuss this and actually get some definite answers. Please keep us posted.

You KNOW I am rooting for you guys to meet ASAP. I think you rock and I think she will love you because, what's not to love? But I think that the gray area after 18th birthday, but still during high school and living at home in a child-parent relationship should be treated more for what the life situation is than what the chronological age is. You know I've been there and those last few months of high school are a doozy emotionally. As much as that does *not* excuse her flakiness or over-controlling the reunion, I think that it would be a mistake to use these next couple months to make that first move for direct contact because I think it might be counterproductive. As long as DD is living at home, her reaction to anything you do is going to be very much shaped by what she sees her mother's reaction to it to be and how that will affect her life at home, rather than only be about what she wants between you and she, you know? If you make that first move when DD is in an environment and life situation where she is truly defining her own life and choices and not where her life is determined by her mother's choices and wishes, then what you're getting is what DD truly feels, rather than what she thinks is the right/best thing to do while living at home. I'm not saying that's how it should be or would be in a prefect world, it's more that I'm looking at the cards you've been dealt (some of which are totally awesome and some of which you'd probably trade) and thinking about the best way to play that hand you've been dealt. We can't control or change anything on the other end of things, so my concern would be you making the choices and moves which I think would yield the best and most positive result for you in the long run. So my opinion? It sucks that you are once again left waiting for the phone call that never comes and are wondering if the visit will end up in that same "to-do (but not actually do) " list the phone call keeps ending up because it's not fair or respectful to you or DD. But given what things are, I think you should keep doing what you're doing with no major move at all until summer at least. Wait (which sucks I know!) to see if the visit actually happens. If it does, then no matter how it got there, you WILL finally have the power to make your own impressions and say your own words to DD in your own voice and you can go from there. If it doesn't, then I would wait until she is not living at home and has had a little while to settle in wherever she is, and make a gesture that is private invitation for her to contact you directly anytime she wants. A facebook "friend" invitation will immediately be announced on her mom's homepage as she is friends with both of you, as well as on both of your walls. A private message stays between the two of you until you feel it's time for the relationship to be public. In the meantime, are you comfortable setting some of your settings to "friends of friends" so she can view your profile on her own without having to go through her mom? I realize that opens the door to lots of other people as well, but it's just a thought. You know I'm rooting for the phone call to happen and the visit to happen and I do think it's best you have a chance to get acquainted before a f2f meeting. But the hard truth us that I don't know if there's a way on your end to make any of those happen without potentially making her first move be a backwards one, one that might throw up defenses rather than break them down. I think you have a few more months of the sucky powerlessness of wait-land before you can take those moves in a way that will safely build a bridge between you rather than just empower her mom even more to act as the toll-collector.