Advertisements
I need some advice from you strong women here. I'm considering adoption, but I'm not sure if that's the way to go..please help....
I am struggling with a very difficult situation. Right about now I feel as if I'm stuck between a rock, and a hard place. I am 22 years old, currently 35 weeks pregnant, and I am the least bit happy about any of it. This entire pregnancy has been ANYTHING but joyous for me. The father of my child has been in jail since September for larceny. He stole my ATM card, and cleaned out my checking account. I found out it was him and I had him arrested shortly after. I thought everything was smooth sailing for me, until I found about 3 weeks later that I was pregnant by him. This had to be the most devastating moment of my life to date. Not only is he a scumbag & a thief, but he barely even has a highschool education. I know that I made the mistake of laying down with him, but I thought it was merely a lesson learned especially after he was arrested. But, I here I am today. I was so devastated because I know I had 1 of 3 options, get an abortion, keep the child to place it for adoption, or just simply keep the child. I went back and forth for MONTHS on this decision, and when I looked around it was definitely too late to get an abortion anymore. For some reason back at that time I felt as though I didn't have it in my heart to abort the baby. I wasn't thinking about all of the responsibilities that come with raising a child. It's not a walk in the park. Now everyday I sit here and regret everything I've done. I regret meeting him, sleeping with him, and I have begun to beat myself up about not getting an abortion. I know it sounds cruel, but I am so lost right now. I'm so young. I haven't started college yet, or even had the chance to live my life yet. I hate the fact that I still live at home with my father because everyday I feel as though me keeping this child is just another burden on him. My father is a GREAT man, and I've put him through hell over the years. I feel as if this just adds to the plate. My father has accepted the fact that I am pregnant and has been very supportive of me, but for some reason I still feel guilty. I hate myself for everything. I've sunk into an extremely deep depression, and everyday I wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning. The pain & agony is so bad, and I feel as if no one understands how I feel. Everyone around me (family & friends) are so excited about the arrival of the baby, but I seem to be the only one bummed about it all. I feel like a failure. I'm afraid to tell everyone that I'm not happy about any of it, especially because everyone has been buying me things, and making plans for meeting my son. I have been considering adoption for these past few months, but I'm afraid to tell anyone. I also know that if I tried to place my son for adoption that they wouldn't allow me to do it. They'd think I was crazy. I am faced with such a difficult decision. I feel as if I place him for adoption, I'll suffer from extreme depression, and if I keep him I'll still be depressed. So, there's no fixing this. I really need to see a counselor or something because it's becoming harder and harder to cope with this as time progresses. I apologize if this was too much for you all to read...
I want the advice from you guys on here if possible. Are there any of you that have placed your child up for adoption? How is it living with that day by day? How is it for any of you that have kept your children? Please help.
thank you for listening,
Brianna
Like
Share
* As many of you know I recently had a baby. I happened to be pregnant by a thief. Back in September I had him arrested for stealing my ATM card, and stealing a bunch of money out of my checking account. He's been in jail ever since, but was recently released on June 10th. Everyone in my family kept asking me would I allow him to be in my son's life. I told them more than likely, but it'd have to be on my grounds for the simple fact that I do not trust him at all whatsoever to be alone with my son. He's very irresponsible and immature, and most certainly not ready to be a father.
His father text me a few days ago asking could he see the baby. I told him I'd allow him to see Noah, but he'd have to meet me in a public place. He then told me then he doesn't want to see the baby at all if he has to take time out of his day to meet me in a public place, when I can simply allow him to come pick the baby up. I told him to grow up, and take care. He didn't seem to care because all he said was likewise.
In my opinion I think that if a guy really cared to see his child then it wouldn't matter where he saw him at. That just proves how much of an a**hole that he really is. He could care less about my precious little boy.
Again I told him a public place would be acceptable because I don't know what type of people he's around, if he even knows how to care for babies etc..he thinks he just inherits that right to take him alone with him. He never even offered me money for the baby or anything. Also, technically I was going out on a limb letting him see the baby considering I have an order of protection against him until december of 2015.
So, I'll never bother him again about my son. Ever. But I'm definitely filing for child support on Monday.
My question to you all, do you think it was wrong of me to say that he has to see Noah in a public place? Considering his background? Was it going overboard? Am I right to file child support & nvr bother him?
Advertisements
As long as your goal is always to make sure that your son is safe, you're not wrong. He is perfectly able to earn trust over time and spend time with his son by visiting under your supervision (and frankly, I wouldn't go alone, I'd take at least one or two other people with me) in a public place, until he shows that he can be trusted to be alone with the child.
If you have a valid restraining order I'm not sure it's allowed for you to be meeting with him, especially alone. I would discuss this with Legal Aid and see what they say. You're absolutely not wrong to protect your child and just sending the baby off with his dad whenever he gets a whim to see him makes no sense at all. I think if it were me I would stick by the restraining order and not allow visitation until a court orders me to do so, and if that does come up insist that it be professionally supervised. Supervised visits are awkward and most flaky parents quickly realize that they're no fun and fade off over time. They also don't like paying the visiting center by the hour! I'm glad that you're no longer with this man and really hope that you and little Noah are able to move forward without having to worry about him in your lives.
Advertisements
Congratulations on your motherhood! I have been following your story since your first post. I am so glad life as a mother seems to be settling in well for you. These are the most wonderful days, when you can truly savor every moment, fill up your senses with baby. I am, however, also concerned about the legal issues in your situation. I am not an attorney, so everything I say is simply my best guess based on what I've learned over the years in different situations. You need to talk to a real attorney who represents your interests to get real legal facts and guidance. That said, if the father is listed on the birth certificate or you have acknowledged him as the putative father, that probably makes him the legal father with all the rights as well as the responsibilities of any other parent. He may never bother you. But especially if you do get support ordered, I imagine court-ordered visitation at least won't be far behind. Depending on the state, the family court judge may bring it up himself and order it without having a petition first--because it is viewed to be in the child's best interest to have a relationship with his parents. So it is possible to be blindsided by this. Either way, if there is an RO, then that would probably mean visitation without your presence or oversight. Just because you have an RO barring him from contact with you does not necessarily mean that he is barred from his son. If he has the motivation, there is no reason he could not go to court to sue for custody, joint custody, visitation, legal/medical/educational/religious decision making, etc.also I would strongly advise not breaking your own RO and to definitely not allow him to take the baby. If it came up in court that you broke the RO, and it probably would if the two of you end up there, it would only undermine your credibility and swing the doors to your life and the life of your son open further for him. For now, if he asks and you must reply, you can say, "there is an RO and I need to talk to an attorney about it." Period. Don't even mention the baby yourself. Keep any communication with him short, narrowly on topic, strictly factual and avoiding any words or phrases like "seeing your/the baby," "visitation," "your/our son" etc. that bolster his claims. There is no point in having and "winning" a personal argument now if you are giving him what he needs to win in court later. While it may not be the way we like to or believe we should conduct our personal lives, where legal issues are involved, every word out of your mouth can be a chip to be played later by the opposition. Please talk to legal aid. You need to find out asap what his rights are, how the RO affects things--including your ability to participate in any court hearings he may demand--and what steps, if any, you can take to protect your son from him. Instead of seeking support, it may make better sense from your perspective to seek sole legal custody or termination of his rights if he is really dangerous and you really have the grounds. Since the bar is lower and it is more revocable, you are more likely to win legal custody or custody with decision making than TPR. Either way, acting sooner rather than later may show the court that you take the situation seriously enough to be proactive about it. Keep in mind that the father's criminal activity may not mean all that much with regard to your son--parents' rights, which reflect a child's best interest right in having a relationship with their parent, are rarely curtailed for anything except safety issues. If he hasn't actually been violent toward you or children, a court may decide he should be in your son's life whether you like it or not. Family court judges here tend to be pretty stern on those points. I don't want you to worry or be anxious, just talk to an actual attorney who can guide you in the best ways to keep your new little family safe and secure. Blessings on you and your little one.
Ugh this sickens me. I don't want him around my son because he could care less. I don't want him coming to pick up my son whenever he feels like being bothered. I don't know what type of people he's around or what his living environment is. He's a pathetic worthless person and I don't want him in our lives. I have a very strong dislike for him, almost to the point of hatred. He's just gonna stress me out more.
I'm glad that you brought up the issue of filing for full custody. If you don't mind, I'm going to directly message you.
britanica
I need some advice from you strong women here. I'm considering adoption, but I'm not sure if that's the way to go..please help....
I am struggling with a very difficult situation. Right about now I feel as if I'm stuck between a rock, and a hard place. I am 22 years old, currently 35 weeks pregnant, and I am the least bit happy about any of it. This entire pregnancy has been ANYTHING but joyous for me. The father of my child has been in jail since September for larceny. He stole my ATM card, and cleaned out my checking account. I found out it was him and I had him arrested shortly after. I thought everything was smooth sailing for me, until I found about 3 weeks later that I was pregnant by him. This had to be the most devastating moment of my life to date. Not only is he a scumbag & a thief, but he barely even has a highschool education. I know that I made the mistake of laying down with him, but I thought it was merely a lesson learned especially after he was arrested. But, I here I am today. I was so devastated because I know I had 1 of 3 options, get an abortion, keep the child to place it for adoption, or just simply keep the child. I went back and forth for MONTHS on this decision, and when I looked around it was definitely too late to get an abortion anymore. For some reason back at that time I felt as though I didn't have it in my heart to abort the baby. I wasn't thinking about all of the responsibilities that come with raising a child. It's not a walk in the park. Now everyday I sit here and regret everything I've done. I regret meeting him, sleeping with him, and I have begun to beat myself up about not getting an abortion. I know it sounds cruel, but I am so lost right now. I'm so young. I haven't started college yet, or even had the chance to live my life yet. I hate the fact that I still live at home with my father because everyday I feel as though me keeping this child is just another burden on him. My father is a GREAT man, and I've put him through hell over the years. I feel as if this just adds to the plate. My father has accepted the fact that I am pregnant and has been very supportive of me, but for some reason I still feel guilty. I hate myself for everything. I've sunk into an extremely deep depression, and everyday I wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning. The pain & agony is so bad, and I feel as if no one understands how I feel. Everyone around me (family & friends) are so excited about the arrival of the baby, but I seem to be the only one bummed about it all. I feel like a failure. I'm afraid to tell everyone that I'm not happy about any of it, especially because everyone has been buying me things, and making plans for meeting my son. I have been considering adoption for these past few months, but I'm afraid to tell anyone. I also know that if I tried to place my son for adoption that they wouldn't allow me to do it. They'd think I was crazy. I am faced with such a difficult decision. I feel as if I place him for adoption, I'll suffer from extreme depression, and if I keep him I'll still be depressed. So, there's no fixing this. I really need to see a counselor or something because it's becoming harder and harder to cope with this as time progresses. I apologize if this was too much for you all to read...
I want the advice from you guys on here if possible. Are there any of you that have placed your child up for adoption? How is it living with that day by day? How is it for any of you that have kept your children? Please help.
thank you for listening,
Brianna
Advertisements
It's a tough decision, and ultimately, it's yours to make. I placed my daughter 11 years ago. This allowed me to finish high school, join the Army, get married, and have 4 more kids. I got the happy, "normal" life I wanted when I placed her. Her parents are great, and we've kept contact. She's my friend on facebook now! She's grown up so far in a stable 2 parent home with a stay at home mom, a great, supportive extended family and friends. But not a day, not a single day, has gone by that I didn't regret the decision I made. I had suicidal episodes for years, as well as depression surrounding the births of my other kids. Either way, it's not all sunshine and good feelings. My adoption plan went without a hitch. There was no agency, and I am not at all bitter. I just didn't understand the value of what I was losing. Yes, pursue the resources for a counselor, and if you choose to place, have your OWN lawyer. But in addition, consider waiting until your baby is a couple months old to finalize your plan. Know what you are giving up, and do it without the pressure of making others happy, or the delirium of pain medication and hormones. Good Luck. <hugs> So Sorry I didn't read it all! Congratulations.... and the good luck and hugs still apply!
Advertisements
