Advertisements
I need some input from the BTDT crowd.
I have posted a lot about this, but we have scheduled a meeting with the grandparents and I need some advice about what our relationship needs to look like going forward.
My DD broke her arm at school and we had just so happened to invite her birth grandparents for grandparents lunch at school that day! They sat with her in the office until I got there and things went down hill from there! The break was BAD. Gma jumped on me the second I walked in the door telling me that I should have let her go in an ambulance and that she would have gone with her to the hospital. Then she told me that Gpa was going to carry her to the car and I said NO I WILL CARRY HER. I got B in the car and told Gpa thank you for waiting with her and I would call him when I knew something. As I was pulling out, Gma ran up to my window and told me that they were going to the ER with us and I said "No, I really need to be the mom. I will call you." They followed me anyway but did not turn into the ER parking lot.
DD ended up being sent to another hospital for Emer. surgery. I called them as soon as the xrays came back and when we were in the ambulance on our way to the children's hospital and when she got out of surgery. I got several messages from gma during this time and her tone got more and more nasty each time (my phone died while in the ER so I wasn't talking to anyone for a few hours) We called the next morning to say that we had left the hospital and her response was "I thought you were going to let me come visit her at the hospital." :grr: She got out of surgery at 10:30 pm and we left at 9am the next morning. WHEN could she have visited?
I feel like she was very pushy and rude and did not take into account that I was trying to take care of MY daughter who was screaming in pain, arrange care for my other two children, talk to drs, keep in touch with my husband, my boss, the other grandparents etc.
Gma acts very entitled and seems to have the mindset that I am babysitting HER kids!
We will finalize our adoption June 2nd. Our kids lived with their grandparents as FK's for 1 1/2 years. When the goal changed to adoption, they decided they were too old to commit to raising them permanently. The kids moved in with us in Jan. 09 and we agreed to keep in touch/visit with the grandparents and older brother. The first year the kids were with us, we had over 25 visits. We are now realizing this is too much. These are my concerns:
1.Gifts at every visit.
2.They never say no to the kids.
3.They do not refer to us as mom and dad, but do refer to the birth mom as mom. (in front of the kids)
4.Grandma won't let me parent when she is around (she wouldn't even let me put a bandaid on my son's finger)
5.The kids act like hoolagens when they get around them. It's embarassing to be honest.
6. Gma thinks of them as "her babies" and treats them like they are 2 and 3 years old
I would like to set up a christmas visit and a summer vist and then invite them to special events as we feel approriate (a sporting event, ballet recital etc.). They could write letters and send pics back and forth by mail and call them on their bdays. We would also like to have 1-2 other visits just with their brother (who is 18 and lives with the grandparents)
Does that sound doable to ya'll given the history or I am being too Polyana???
Like
Share
Advertisements
Ok, so I was very nervous and frustrated after my meeting with the grands but the visit went GREAT. We decided to grant gma's wish and meet at a park instead of the restaurant. She said thankyou for that, called J by his new name instead of his old one, and referred to us as momma and daddy the whole time. The kids seemed very happy about this and we have not had the behavior issues we normally do after visits!
They did bring something for the kids but it was a bird house that their big brother made them so I addressed it by saying that it was fine but in the future they should call and ask first. (Because what we are oppossed to is pointless stuff that they don't need and has no meaning) I made it clear that the next visit will be gift free and she said, "yes I understand what you are trying to teach them." :thanks:
Advertisements
RebeccaInOR
It sounds like you have handled this with such integrity. You were firm, assertive and took control of the situation for the kid's best interest. Good work, not many people would handle it so well.
Advertisements
Shananigans
Maybe tell the grandparents that...just to reinforce the rules. "Thank you for such a great visit. The kids have been so much happier and more relaxed." This way they get praise for listening, and will want to keep it up?
I have a three year old son and my in-laws have this problem with him. His first Christmas (7 months old) it took him 2 1/2 hours to open all of his presents!!
Its been an issue, they always think they know better and completely disrespect me in the process. I limit visits from my Mother-in-law who lives out of state to once or twice a year and my father-in-law has been given restriction with gifts, ect. . .
He also wants to babysit B by himself, but can't even look me in the eye and have a conversation with me. I agree with what someone said earlier, no one is allowed to watch my child who disrespects me!
The problem kept continuing, so I went to a psychologist to talk to about it b/c it was just too over whelming. She said that my limitations were a good decision, but to realize that as the mom I am in control of what comes in and out of my house. They may buy too much, but I'm the buffer. Let the kids pick their favorite thing, but put the rest up and then donate it somewhere later.
To some extent I know what your going through, I think its just about setting up boundaries, realizing how much control you do have over the situation, and picking your battles. Venting also helps ;)
KateNicole
I have a three year old son and my in-laws have this problem with him. His first Christmas (7 months old) it took him 2 1/2 hours to open all of his presents!!
Its been an issue, they always think they know better and completely disrespect me in the process. I limit visits from my Mother-in-law who lives out of state to once or twice a year and my father-in-law has been given restriction with gifts, ect. . .
He also wants to babysit B by himself, but can't even look me in the eye and have a conversation with me. I agree with what someone said earlier, no one is allowed to watch my child who disrespects me!
The problem kept continuing, so I went to a psychologist to talk to about it b/c it was just too over whelming. She said that my limitations were a good decision, but to realize that as the mom I am in control of what comes in and out of my house. They may buy too much, but I'm the buffer. Let the kids pick their favorite thing, but put the rest up and then donate it somewhere later.
To some extent I know what your going through, I think its just about setting up boundaries, realizing how much control you do have over the situation, and picking your battles. Venting also helps ;)
Advertisements
Awesome! It's always hard to set and enforce boundaries but you've done your kids such a world of good. I would definitely tell the gparents that they did the kids a world of good with their behavior. I suspect they may toe the line for a few visits then try to push the boundaries again. As long as you stand firm they will give up eventually. Our child therapist calls this 'going into Mama Bear mode' when you have to go outside your comfort zone for your kids. Way to go, Mama Bear!!!
Thanks so much myforeverkids3! This whole thread has been so encouraging to read. I will be going down this road very soon with P's grandparents (both grandmothers.) I will agree to visits on my terms in a public place to protect P from her father. All of these suggestions have given me hope that I can do this successfully. I am glad your DD's arm is better and I cannot tell how helpful posting your experience has made me feel tonight!