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Well, I'm new here, so not sure where to start - I spent some time browsing last night & today, because it was either find some people who understand where I'm at, or go crazy dealing with a bio mom who really pushed the limits this weekend.
Let me start by saying that as far as I'm concerned, I have 2 sons, J - who is 10 months old - was born to me & L -who is 17 months - has lived with us since last November. (Ok, now if I seem kind of frazzled, or don't make a lot of sense, consider I have 2 kids in diapers, only 7 months apart) L may only be my fs right now, but he's been mine since the day he came to stay.
To complicate what is always no doubt a complicated situation, this is a relative placement, so I know way more of the back story than many foster parents & the thought that they could ever get their hands on him again is enough to keep me awake at nights.
The bd is my little cousin & I love him, but I know exactly what he's all about & he's one of those people that should never have been allowed to reproduce. He's sitting in jail right now & I expect he'll spend a good portion of his adult life in & out of there if he doesn't do an about face, so he's really not the issue. Besides, if it was just him, I think he'd be perfectly content to tpr & just know he can come visit from time-to-time.
The birthmom on the other hand leaves me feeling like I'm back in junior high dealing with all the petty dramas. She's just a kid herself, 18 going on 12 & has a lot of growing up to do. She honestly can't understand why they took her child away - I mean it wasn't her fault they had to take him to a drug deal & some kid ended up OD & dead. It was a real shame the kid died, cause there's nothing wrong with taking an infant to a drug house, just no dead bodies.
The court gave them a year to straighten up or lose rights & thats up in June, so with any luck, things will start proceeding, but I have no illusions that it'll go quickly or smoothly.
Well, I won't keep going, I guess (naptime is over anyway so mommy's computer time is suspended for a bit) I just wanted to say hi & give a little background. Would love to hear from those who've been on the road much longer than we have. Especially those dealing with relative placements. Sorry to go so long, its a bad habit of mine. But, then again I have 2 toddlers at home all day so adult conversation is always welcome.
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big shout out to you! I was shaking my head in amazement at your story.. Mine is almost exact.. well no drug HOUSE or dead body.. but relative placement , and I have felt the same about the parents.. I know way more about them and Honestly.. I vowed to do anything and every thing I could to ensure they never had control of my babies life.. who is 19 months almost now. I have had him ( he is my grandson) since he was 6 weeks. I have no sympathy for them and how they may love him and just not know how to parent.. or how they have drug problems and need help.. BS to that is the way I feel in my situation. they know right from wrong.. the only thing they are sorry for is getting caught.
So.. what dealings did she push the limits?? Our bio mom will be released from prison soon.. and somewher has it set in her mind that she will be home to be the mother she was meant to be. Uhhh.. TPR was done last july... I dont really know why she doesnt get it!!
Anyway.. welcome.. this forum has been a wealth of information and support to me..
and I too make a short story long!
Thanks Lori, its nice to hear from someone with similar feelings. The thing is, at first when they lost him, I really felt sorry for the bmom. She's young, easily led, etc, etc. But, if they took my child from me & gave me a set of simple instructions to follow to get him back, nothing would stop me from following through. I understand all too well about addiction, but what it boils down to is that checking yourself out of every rehab center they stick you in does not indicate a willingness to make an effort. Had she actually tried, then I'd be right there every step of the way backing her efforts, but you can't wait till 2 months before your court date & then start whining because the reality starts to hit.
Since I've gotten to know her through all this, I can see that she's not the innocent victim, she's a manipulative, emotionally unstable, immature game player. For her sake, I hope someday she grows up, straightens out her life, goes back to school, & starts a new family. I just don't think it's going to happen any time soon & "her son" has a mommy & daddy & little brother that he's very attached to & the first stability he's ever had in his life.
Well, guess I'll get off my soapbox. Thanks again.
What is sad about your story is that she is only 18, which means many, many more reproductive years in her future!!! How many bedrooms do you have? You may want to think about a bigger house! She just might keep them coming!
It is sad that she is in such a pitiful state in life at such a young age, but even more sad that there will likely be many children who will go through who knows what because of her issues.
Good for you for sticking up for that baby.
I am all about reunification when a parent is doing their best, (I 100% believe in redemption!) but when they blame others and whine and refuse to cooperate, sorry charlie! It's about the best interests of the child, not the bparents tears!
I have to say.AMEN TO THAT SISTA'! you couldnt have taken those words about the innocent victim.etc etc. from my mouth any more exactly that you did. another huge similarity in our cases!
mine did nothing. until we had permanency hearing.. then told the judge she had an appt the following week with yet another drug center/counselor..oh did I say she had had 6 month worth of chances to go to many others. even had appts to go.. no show... The judge ( who I just love for his candor) said. "little lady .. talk is cheap" he turned to cw ( who was presenting yet another RU plan ) and said. file TPR!
I HOPE to be finalizing before june!! fingers are crossed!
If she had tried that woudl be different. it will never change what she did to him the 6-7 months she carried him though.. not in my head.. never will!!!
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Hi everyone! Our lil guy was placed with us at 6wks old when our neice lost custody of him. Been with us ever since. She went back to prison and got out in Feb. Reluctantly signed the TPR and our adoption was final last week! Here's the question. We have always been mommy and daddy. We are all he knows. She has seen him a handful of times since Feb. but thinks she should be able to call herself mommy to him. I think this is totally wrong. Will confuse him in the long run and not to mention...makes me totally uncomfortable! I need to know how others handle this. I think she should refer to herself by her name..not mommy! Help...my husband and I cannot agree on this!
wow.. this is a familiar thread in every aspect!
I have nearly identical issue also. I have had FS since he was 6 weeks old.. Mom saw him a half a handful of times between oct 2008 ( birth ) and feb. 2009.. THEN went to prison. where she still is.. BUT there is word that she could be released in JUNE . which is way too soon for my liking. Regardless. I have heard that she wants to be able to come home and "be the Mommy she was suppose to be!" Uh.. hello?? Too late! To make this matter worse. I an the grandmother.. and I should be finalizing the adoption soon.. Im hoping withiin the next month! It makes things hard anyway, even if she isnt involved..because I am paternal g-ma.. legally right now, just FM. So my son is bio dad.. the entire thing is complicated. But. I do know that she should not be Mommy! But the poor thing does need one. Do I stay G-ma.. or be Mommy.??? I have had him for a year and a half. Im torn too.. but I know in no way has she earned the title of Mommy!
Will you have contact with this neice?? How often?
psturner7
Hi everyone! Our lil guy was placed with us at 6wks old when our neice lost custody of him. Been with us ever since. She went back to prison and got out in Feb. Reluctantly signed the TPR and our adoption was final last week! Here's the question. We have always been mommy and daddy. We are all he knows. She has seen him a handful of times since Feb. but thinks she should be able to call herself mommy to him. I think this is totally wrong. Will confuse him in the long run and not to mention...makes me totally uncomfortable! I need to know how others handle this. I think she should refer to herself by her name..not mommy! Help...my husband and I cannot agree on this!
That's great that you have the opportunity that you might be able to keep him with you.
I have started the adoption processes after five years of taking care my nephew 2-5 days a week only to have his mother come and take him and mess him up again and drop him off without notice of drop-off or pick-up. Social services investigated, but they said they b/c there is no physical abuse and no visible damage, there is nothing that they can do. My nephew is five and doesn't talk b/c of the negativity he has to live with, mental abuse to the extreme! When he's with us after a few days he's fine. I'm hoping to stay in his life, but be able to help a child I can actually help.
I will keep you in my prayers and I really hope that everything works out well and goes as smoothly as possible.
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I'm in the same boat as all of you. Sometime I wish that the bio mom wasn't my sister. Maybe then I wouldn't have so many mixed emotions about everything. My sister is a severe alcoholic and has been losing her children since 2004, all 5 of them are in care at this point. The oldest 2 have lived with our parents since 2004, my parents now have guardianship, so I didn't really come into the picture until 2006 when her 3rd child came into care. K was only 9 months old when she came to me. Then in 2008 Z was born and came to me right from the hospital. A couple months later both K and Z went back to live with my sister. At that time I was confident that my sister would grow up and want to be a mom to the children (boy was I wrong). They both were back with me by the end of the year. She only had them for 6 months and just couldn't maintain her sobriety.
Then she had Aiden in 2009, at that point she decided on adoption and asked if I would adopt him :happydance:
A few months later she got both K and Z back again.
Then in Dec. 2009 she was drinking, got into a fight with her then bf, and the cops were called. They both went to jail for warrents and the kids came to me again. When she got out, she got them back.
In May 2010 she decided to start hitting the bottle again and the kids were removed, just to have the judge send them back the next day :mad:
Then earlier this month she got drunk again :hissy: got into a fight with her bf, cops were called, I went and got kids, and they were officially removed the next day.
Now the CW want to send them back again :grr: at the end of the month or early next month. It's been a constant battle of trying to keep custody of the children because I know that my sister will continue to mess up and put the children's safety and well being at risk.
Honestly if I knew she wanted to straighten up her life and actually be a parent, I would be behind her 100% but I have finally come to the realization, it just isn't going to happen. I'm glad to know that I am not the only one fighting this same battle with relative placement
myForeverkids3
OK JLmom, it is June now so I gotta know what is going on with your boy?
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Well, just what we expected - 6 more months to work plan. That means 6 more months of me being scared to death that they will actually manage to convince someone they have changed. And before someone jumps on me, I would love nothing more than for them to actually make real change in their lives, but I know them & I know the history & Bmom is kind of dumb re telling me stuff, so I know her strategy. She's flat out told me that she intends to do whatever it takes to get him back & then she can do what she wants after that. They now have an atty who is "telling them how to look good". Oh well, at least FS is safe with us for now & all we can do is wait & see how it all plays out.
JLMom
Well, just what we expected - 6 more months to work plan. That means 6 more months of me being scared to death that they will actually manage to convince someone they have changed. And before someone jumps on me, I would love nothing more than for them to actually make real change in their lives, but I know them & I know the history & Bmom is kind of dumb re telling me stuff, so I know her strategy. She's flat out told me that she intends to do whatever it takes to get him back & then she can do what she wants after that. They now have an atty who is "telling them how to look good". Oh well, at least FS is safe with us for now & all we can do is wait & see how it all plays out.