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The first BM I spoke to selected me to raise her baby. We had 6 months to get to know each other. It didn't feel hard. We developed a rapport right away. I made a trip and spent time with her, her parents, and her two other children. I sent gifts at the holiday and took lots of pictures. We talked about how she felt, the foods she craved, the movies she watched and so much more. It was a Friday morning at 5:30 when I got the call. She was in labor. I was on the first flight I could find...I landed, jumped into a rental car and arrived at the hospital 15 minutes after this beautiful baby girl was born. I changed her first diaper, I fed her her bottles..I held her and fell in love with her. The BM and I talked, laughed, and discussed when we would all get together. We took lots of pictures and I brought beautiful clothes for her to wear.. and then it was time to be released from the hospital when the BM asked that she take the baby for the day and meet me in the afternoon. This had not been the plan but I understood how difficult this must be even if she was acting so strong. I went back to the hotel where family awaited and walked in without this baby everyone had come to love over the past six months. She was already referred to by name. She was part of the family. I knew in my heart something was wrong. The day turned into evening without any contact from the BM. Finally, later that evening she sent me a text saying she was keeping the baby overnight and she would meet me the next day. She assurred me everything was ok. I hoped and I trusted but deep down I knew.
I thought it odd she didn't want me to meet her at her house or her parents. I knew where they lived. I had been there a couple times.
I went to the meeting place and waited. 15 minutes became a half hour, a half hour an hour, and so on. I finally got a text message from her saying she changed her mind. I can't explain this feeling. At this point all I wanted to do was run away. The BM did not have a car seat and had borrowed mine. It was a special gift so I wanted it back.
She did not have transportation so I went to her apartment with her permission. I will never forget the last look I saw of this beautiful baby girl lying on the couch. I gave the BM all of the formula, diapers, and onesies I had with me. I guess I had been home for a week when I received a text message from the birthmother. She had changed her mind again and wanted me to raise her daughter. I asked her if she was sure and she said yes. I called the attorneys and scheduled my return flight to see this beautiful little girl once again and hopefully hold her in my arms. A few hours before I was getting ready to leave for the airport I sent a message to the BM to let her know when I would be there. She responded with the words, "don't bother". This was the last time I heard from the BM. It has been a few months now.
I have so many pictures of this beautiful baby from those first three days of her life. What should I do with them? That is the question I keep asking myself.
I spent a great deal of my adoption budget on this failed adoption and I don't know if I will be able to have the opportunity again. I hope, and I pray.
It makes me happy to read about other peoples stories that have had happy endings.
I am not angry at the BM. It would be easier if I was. I just hope that this baby girl that I whispered the world to has a happy and loving life.
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We also had a failed adoption due to the birthfather. We sent him the photos that did not include us and hospital momentos like the footprint sheet, her little hat and blanket. I wanted our sweet little girl to have pictures from her first few days. I still have a copy of photos and kept a hospital blanket.
It is so terrible to go through soemthing like this. I hope you are eventually able to find peace and continue your adoption journey.
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I know it's not exactly the same thing, but I had a fs a number of years ago that ended up being adopted. The adoptive family wasn't interested in getting any of the pictures/professional portraits I had taken of him. Since I know where the family lives (own the home) I decided that I would keep them until he was 18 and then send them to him. I figure that even if his adoptive parents don't want them, he may when he gets older. They are of his entire first year of life.
megaphonemo
I am so sorry for your loss. Please take the time to grieve, and get back on the horse. Our agency had a policy to allow the placement fee to roll over until you were placed again.... Hopefully you can do something like that....
Mega
I am so very, very sorry. I had tons of pictures, even ultrasound pictures and the ultrasound DVD when bmom changed her mind. I packaged everything up, including the blanket I crocheted for the baby and sent it to her. I could not keep all that stuff, but I also could not throw it away or give it to someone else. I did not want to keep pictures of a baby who was not mine around. A piece of my heart is still very much attached to her, however. She was "mine" for long enough. Even though my head knows she is not, my heart just doesn't seem to be getting the message. I hope it gets easier with time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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My husband and I kept all the pictures, clothing and blanket we had with our first failed adoption until we were ready to part from them. "Our baby boy" was only in our lives for a few days; I was in the delivery room during the entire labor and delivery, was the first to hold, bathe and feed him. We spent the next few days in the hospital with him; only a few short days later we recieved a call from our agency that the birthparents had changed their minds and decided to parent their baby boy. They kept the name we chose for him. Although we successfully adopted our beautiful baby girl only a few months later; I kept the box of picutres and clothing for about a year; only looking at them once or twice. Eventually, I donated the clothing and actually threw the pictures away; I thought about keeping just one, but I didn't, and at times regret that. Our hearts were truly healed with the blessing and adoption of our daughter, but I do think about that little guy every year around his birthday and pray that he is happy and healthy. We also believe that God wanted us to have that experience for a reason and that it ultimately led us to our baby girl.
Our daughter is four now, and we are pursuing domestic infant adoption again. We have just gone through yet another failed placement of another baby boy; long story short, we got to know the birthmom for a month, when to an ultrasound appointment; even allowed our daughter to meet her (mistake, but ended up ok; but will never do that again.) The day of delivery, the bmom changed her mind and decided to parent; I thank God we did not get a chance to see this baby, hold him or bring him home with us; as not only would our hearts be broken, but our daughter's heart would be as well.
We move forward knowing that we will again someday have another successfull adoption and believe that God does have a plan for our family. My advise is to use caution with couples that are still together and if you have pictures; keep them for as long as you need to; as your heart will tell you when it is the right time to let them go. God's Blessings to all.
We just suffered our third failed adoption, with the most recent one a similar scenario to yours (several months of being matched, trusting relationship with birthparents, in the delivery room, 2 days with sweet baby girl in the hospital). Absolutely devastating. We sent several pictures to birthparents--the ones we thought they'd want of her being weighed for the first time, in her basinette, of birthmom and baby. We printed out some for ourselves which I showed some close friends, and now they're in a box, along with the pregnancy test and ultrasound picture from our pregnancy loss last year and the cards we received from friends and family from our miscarriage and this failed adoption. I don't know what we'll do with the box in the long term but for now, it's important to keep. It's part of our journey and so far the only glimpse we've had of parenthood. You've experienced a horrible loss, one that the outside world rarely acknowledges (a long time friend called our experience "disappointing"--is that what we'd say if a woman delivered a baby, spent 2 days in the hospital, and then came home with empty arms?). I hope you are able to find a few people who validate what you've lost. Wishing you healing and the hope that one day very, very soon you will have your baby...
HI there SAK
I just joined this forum and have been looking for a way to express my heartache. It is undescribable and looking at the pictures makes me smile with love but hurt inside because I cant be with my baby.
My story is a bit different because it was an international adoption. The first time I adopted my baby I had to leave her due to legal issues with the parents. I lived with her for 5 weeks. I went back a year later, adopted her again and still could not get her visa but I fell more madlly inlove with this child because I mothered her again for another 5 weeks. I cant go into the details. They are just so incredible. But, I understand the loss.
All I can say is I miss her and love her more than I can express but it was not meant to be and I had to abandon the cause. I dont have the money or the emotional wear with all to go through this loss anymore.
My heart would continue to be broken.
I spent a huge amount of money and sacrificed my health living in difficult circumstances alone. I thought God wanted me to go back for her. I thought I heard him say just have faith. You know I did go on faith. But that wasnt what this was about. It was about how much love in my heart I have for this little girl. Its a love that just doesnt die.
No matter what, I pray there is a family who will love her. She is amazing and just a wonderful temperment.
I ask why God would give me such a perfect baby to love, who needed my love, and laws made her unattainable. The birth parents did not want her.
When you mentioned the day you gave all the bottles and things to the birth mom I know exactly how you felt.
I felt so unfortunate and it just felt wrong, but I turned over stuff twice. I said good bye twice.
I am now persuing foster care and maybe domestic adoption although it does seem like the risks are very real.
I would suggest when going into these situations with birth mothers to go forward with a guarded heart if I can and try to focus on reality until the child is truely going to come home with me for good.
I would like to believe a baby really can be mine one day.
Oh and the pictures. I have not done anything with them. She is still a big big part of my heart.
Sincerely
God Bless
Lilmom
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I am a child who was a failed adoption. My parent's placed me and then took me back two weeks later because thier family pressured them. My life was hard, but I think I turned out OK. For many years now, I have had this idea. It might sound stupid, but I felt like through the hard times in my childhood that this other family I can't remember was praying for me. I was 12 when I learned about all of this and that idea came to me soon after that the family remembered me and prayed for me, even though I was only with them for two weeks. Now, being an adoptive mom myself, I can totally see that maybe my fantasy is true. I am religious so I hope I dont offend anyone, but I look forward to one day, maybe in heaven meeting that family and thanking them for loving me.
SAK, we had a failed adoption as well. I had duplicates made of all the pictures we took. I had intended to give the 2nd set to the mother. So after we returned home with no baby in my arms, I grieved. When the pictures were developed, I sent the 2nd set to her. I put the other set in a baby photo album for us to cherish. Along with the outfit he was to wear home and the baby Book we started with all the pregnancy, his mother's info, our info, etc. I look at it from time to time.
Momraine, I think you are right about the family who loved you for those 2 weeks. I think they think about you and pray for you often. I do for the baby boy that we weren't able to adopt. His home life was not good. He had Grandparents that refused to accept him. A father that wanted him aborted and refused to have anything to do with him, or his 11 other children. But she was/is his Mother and wanted him and loves him. I pray all the time for him. After 8 years I wonder how he is and if he is safe. I heard from his Mother when he was 4 months old. She was struggling. I never heard from her again. I have her address, and her parents. But I don't interfere. I SOOOO want to know he is okay! Every January 9th I sing him Happy Birthday and ask God to keep His loving and safe hands on him.
Deb
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My husband and I were part of a failed adoption last year after having our little boy for 2 1/2 weeks. We took lots of photos but I haven't had the strength to print them or the desire to delete them. They are saved on my computer, and his blanket, hospital bracelet, papers we have, etc are packaged away. I plan on sending them to him when he is 18, if he is interested. My parents have contact with the birth father's family, so I know we will be able to find him then, if we do like planned.I am so so sorry for your loss.
I still have pictures of the little girl I had for 24 hours, in 1995. I had taken my other kids with me to pick her up, and had taken pictures of them with her. After I got home and had them developed, I put them in my filing cabinet, and they are still there. I get them out and look at them every once in a while. I pray for her, too, because that is all I can do. People who say that adoption is the "easy way" have no idea!