Failed Adoption Support

I am so sorry for your losses and your pain. Whatever the statistics, living thru what you have is sooo tough. It's maddening to have someone say keep the faith, but I know many people with multiple failed placements who went on to find their child. There is a failed and contested adoption board here where I hope you can find support as well. I am thinking of you.

We had a failed adoption of a baby girl that almost broke us. It hurt so badly, and the pain was very difficult to describe to people. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. It was like a death. People at my work somehow found out we were adopting, so I had to let them all know, which was uncomfortable and irritating. I would cry at odd times, and my DH would hold me in bed, both of us in tears, before we slept, several times that first week. We held onto our daughter so tightly, wondering how her adoption had happened so smoothly. My friends here at a.com, and my family and a few good friends IRL, were my lifeline. I couldn't see through the fog for the longest time, and felt such hatred towards the mother for so long. I asked the same questions of our agency, just searching for answers - how many failed adoptions do you have a year? What is the average per family? Do those who experience this match quicker? And on and on. We eventually decided to go forward again. Two months later, we brought our son home. The pain never goes away...it just fades, but is always there. If you are brave enough to keep going, you will find your child. It sounds trite, but you have to believe it if you want to be a parent some day. Best of luck.

I'm sorry this has been such a rough road. Adoption is NOT easy no matter how long it takes. ...and I know what some of the posters have said may sound 'trite'...but it's all so true. Someone (and probably a lot of other people too) said to me once, "If you quit, you know you'll NEVER have a baby. But, if you keep plugging along....then there's always that hope that sometime, someday, it'll be YOUR day to bring home YOUR baby.' It seems so simple; but it's incredibly true. I can tell you of times when I thought we'd adopted our last. It was taking far too long for me; there were some horrendous obstacles in the way for a year or two. We even had one 'certain' situation where the birthmother was definately placing with our family. And out of the blue, the baby died pre-birth. Only a couple of people really knew how I felt. I was devestated and at one point thought, 'This MUST be over?!' But it wasn't. We went on to adopt again. While I know your heart is breaking....it can't hurt to try to adopt again. Maybe you can choose to submit only for 'already born babies'. While there is still some risk; it's not nearly as big a risk as 'matching'. Just know that if you quit.....that truly IS the end. Sincerely, Linny

I am so sorry this happened to you. It's difficult to go through for sure and others don't understand. I don't think there are any good stats on birthmother mind changes/failed adoptions because the agencies don't want you to know. I have a feeling there is a pretty high rate. We had a 50:50 rate in my house; a failed adoption (bmom changed her mind) then a successful one, failed, then successful, and then a 3rd successful one. Many (I would venture to say the majority) of aparents on here have had failed adoptions, but most end up with a child at some point. If you stick with this the chances are it will work out.

So many of us here can relate...we also had a failed placement. Bmom had the baby and disappeared. We were devastated to say the least. Our daughter, who was 5 at the time, still talks about that baby boy. But 6 months after that, when I was truly ready to give up, my son was born. When people asked about the adoption journey, I explained it as a roller coaster ride with many ups, many downs and then times that feel like nobody is steering the ride!! So out of control!! But don't give up hope...Linny was right!! Take a breather if you need, too. I did that many times during my journey to be a parent. I am wishing you the best of luck with everything. Chrissy

I understand your pain! We had two failed placements before our last adoption (our total time waiting was almost 3 yrs) and have had one failure already on this go around. I'm so leary of putting my heart out there, (and also my money!) I agree with Linny; someone told us the same thing, and so we stuck with it. I finally branched out (away from our agency) and went to a referral service. Once we applied, we had our son within probably two months. I'm considering using some referral agencies again this time. (we've been waiting since Sept 2009 this time) Search your heart...the answer is there! Michelle

I don't think any adoption professionals keep numbers like that, but it would be very interesting. After our roller coaster ride of an adoption process I decided to write a book and interview other parents to hopefully help parents in the future prepare a little better for the emotional aspect of the adoption process. Along with the twelve successful adoptions in my interviews/book there were four adoptions that did not go through for various reasons whether b-mom changed her mind after giving birth or an agency was just not above board with everything (3 of those happened to one couple). Only about three of the adoptions were "textbook" seemingly without a glitch. And all the others had some sort of intense roller coaster whether it was extended biological family coming into the picture for a time and making things uncertain, a hospital making things very hard for adoptive parents, or international laws changing mid-way through only to delay the process and make everything difficult. The parents who experienced the failed adoptions as well as those who had the intense journeys were always devastated. After both spouses had time to regroup though, they did move on and all are now happy to have another child in their family. I know these aren't big picture statistics like what you want, but it's what I have and as you can see from so many people in these forums the adoption process is all too often a harsh roller coaster. Those who continue on the ride guard their hearts a little more with each new twist and turn, but if you can stick with it (and no one would fault you for needing a break from the process) children a wonderful blessing. Rhonda

I would be interested in your book. What is the title and is it available on Amazon?

The title is Unveiling the Adoption Process, but it is not available yet. It is still with the publisher and is scheduled to be available in November. I think I will get my initial copies in August. If you would like I could send you a PM in August to see if you are still interested when I get the first copies. I've worked hard on it, and I really hope that it can help people be better prepared at the outset and stand stronger throughout the process. Rhonda

that would be great - please PM when it is available!