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Hi there,
I am new here and I have what seems like an overwhelming problem. Some background...
I am currently separated from my husband and have been for a couple years. I have 2 great kids. Earlier this year, I met a guy I liked quite a bit but we were just friends and we hung out a few times and well, one thing led to another, and we slept together a few times. At the time, I had an IUD, so we didn't use anything else. Well about a month and a half later, I found out I was pregnant. I went to the doctor, who promptly took out my IUD that failed miserably, and they did an ultrasound, and wow, twins. So not only did I get pregnant using an IUD, I was pregnant with twins. I had told the father I was pregnant, and he freaked out. I then told him it was twins, and I think he had a mild heart attack. I must say that he has been a total saint and stuck by me from day 1. We talked. And we talked some more. I didn't think that I could handle 2 more babies. He doesn't want kids. Ever. Neither of us believe in abortion, so the only option we felt we had was adoption. We met with an agency that I was uneasy about from the beginning. A few weeks after I found out about the twins, I had another ultrasound, and low and behold, there was a third baby. So, after I got done freaking out, I told him and he freaked out some more. But he is still here. We ditched the agency, called a lawyer, and have decided to find a couple online.
So I am now 16 weeks pregnant with triplets and I am having so many issues with everything. He doesn't understand alot of my feelings and says I only look at the negative side. Well, this is going to effect me in a huge way. I don't understand how he can be so "everything is going so well" - he isn't the one who's family is pissed, he isn't the one who has to find a way to tell 2 kids, he isn't the one who's body is going through all this, and well, you get the idea. He has since found a girlfriend - oh and one with a 3 year old son - perfect for the guy who doesn't want any kids of any kind ever? I feel like a burden to him - I don't understand why he wants to be with someone else's kid but not his own? He is totally detached from the pregnancy - won't go to appts, doesn't want to see an ultrasound picture, doesn't want to know the sexes, doesn't want to hear I can feel them moving now, etc.
I don't know what to do. I know this must all sound totally crazy to you guys...lol
I hope to be able to get some support and guidance here. I joined a Triplet board for the info but I don't think I want to put all this out there.
Thanks for letting me vent...
Allie
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While I agree about holding them and seeing them afterwards, I don't want to be making that decision then. I will already have enough emotional stuff going on. I know that I can't parent them - so why wait til then and torture myself when I am already hurting. All of the couples we have even considered are prepared to deal with any complications that may arise. I know that at any point I can change my mind, just as they can.
Allie
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Allie -
I think seeing and holding them will either confirm your decision or make you change it. You should contact Brenda - she has lots of good rescources...just in general....
I do see your point about them sticking out - but you know - people's memories are short. People have forgotten and/or are surprised that our sons are twinsl The pre-school class behind them had triplet boys.... I recently ran into their Mom, and by 5 people are more amazed she had three boys so close together.....the "multiple" thing, as far as random strangers, goes away quicker than you think...but yes, I understand small towns, and can see that people would make that connecton - but would they care? and for how long. YOU will. I get that....but others - you'd be surprised what they can forget. I often am.
If not NEAR your hospital - consider nearby .... a couple hours drive brings lots of support.....and IF your babes wind up in NICU (I'll pray they don't) support with trips and NICU you will ALL need.
An agency we worked with who never,well, I wouldn't recommend - anyway they placed a woman who had trips - 2 girls and a boy I think.....in an open adoption...it would be nice if there was a place where you could touch base with her.
Definately contact Brenda -I have heard nothing but good things about the contacts she provides.
I will see them and hold them for sure. But I don't think it will affect my decision one way or another.
I also am not worried about what people think about me, my choices, or what I do with my life. It's how it will affect me and my emotions, especially at first. It would affect me greatly if I was to run into them in the grocery store.
We are talking mainly with couples within 3 hours drive. We feel thats a "safe" distance. We can drive there and spend a day without having to use vacation from work. If we wanted to watch a little league game or see some play at school, it's doable.
Allie
Allie, Only you can make this decision - as it's yours to make in what ever fashion you decide is right for you.One thing I've noticed, however, is that you seem to be making some of your decisions about the future based on the 'right now'.Example: We are talking mainly with couples within 3 hours drive. We feel thats a "safe" distance. We can drive there and spend a day without having to use vacation from work. If we wanted to watch a little league game or see some play at school, it's doable. You'll need to remember that they can decide to move at any time...I'm not saying this to 'talk you out' of anything - I am simply putting some facts in front of you so that you keep them in mind.The only way you'll have any type of control over logistics is if you're the one making the parenting decisions.It's great that you know what you want - that's an important step in moving forward - but it's also important that what you want be realistic and possible.I placed with a family who had 'stable jobs' in the area, had purchased a home, had lived in the area for ten years, had built a network of friends and also vocalized their desire to stay in the area during our match.Shortly after our daughter was 6 mos old, they pulled me aside and told me they were moving - not to a neighboring town, not to a neighboring state - but to Bosnia. They were gone a year and when they returned, they did not return to our 'shared location' - instead, they've moved all over the world...which is great for them...but it's not what I was lead to believe would be our 'open adoption'...Keep in mind, also, that logistics weren't important to me - as they seem to be to you.Just some food for thought :)
I know that we can't force them to do anything. They have every right to move and do whatever they want with their lives. But I know me and I know that I can't raise 5 kids by myself. Emotionally, physically, or financially. It's just not possible. The triplets father seems to become more withdrawn all the time - seems to be all about his girlfriend and her kid. So I know that he isn't going to be any help to me at all. So I don't believe there are any other options.
Allie
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Allie, I'm not trying to talk you in to parenting or raising 5 kids - I am trying to give you the tools you need to be prepared. It's much easier to know that pain and whatnot is a real possibility - than it is to be crippled by it unexpectedly.We all make decisions others don't agree with - I still think I made the best decision possible when I placed my daughter - I just wish I would have known more about the emotions I felt later - so I was prepared. Whatever you do, it's YOUR decision...but keep in mind, it's not an easy one and no one expects you to keep your chin up and take one for the team here.
I'm sorry if I sounded defensive. I didn't mean to be. I can't obviously fully know what it will feel like. But I don't have any misconceptions that it will be peachy. And I know that I don't have to keep my chin up and take one for the team....oh wait, there is a ton of people that think I should do just that....
Allie
I don't have any answers for you, but wanted to lend my support. No matter what choice you make, there will be people who think you've made the wrong one. You just have to do what is right for you and your children (all 5 of them). But you already know that. That is only way you will have peace. (And even with the peace of knowing you've made the right decision, whichever decision, that doesn't mean there won't be pain.)If it were me, I would want to know everything I could about the families I was considering, and have a family chosen and ready beforehand. I would want to have talked with them, and made sure I felt "right" and good about them. (And no offense to those of us with kids out there, but I would seriously consider a couple with no other children, as triplets would be BUSY!)I would want to have everything in place and ready. And yet, remember that you, as their mother, have the right to change your mind at ANY time up until your rights are terminated. You can change your mind about the family you choose, you can even change your mind about adoption. But I would have a plan and a family in place, because you likely won't have time or emotional energy to search, think and choose between families after birth.And another thought: don't worry about the adoptive parents' feelings (or any one else's feelings for that matter). Your first, and only real priority is to make the best decisions for your children. If you change your mind about something (whether to have the hopeful parents at the hospital, whether to place, etc.) do so for you and your children. Don't hesitate because you think you'll hurt someone's feelings. They know there's a chance you could change your mind about things. They signed up for that.As an adoptive mom - I have signed up for the uncertainty several times. Things change, feelings change, nothing is set in stone until it is. I was only comfortable adopting knowing that the mother was 100% sure, was not pressured or "guilted" into it, and felt free to change her mind at any time. You don't owe anyone anything, except for your children. That includes people hoping to adopt, social workers, those who think you should parent, and anyone else who has an opinion to share.And as Brandy mentioned, be prepared for emotional struggles. Even when it is the right choice, there will be heartache. Be as informed as you can.Hugs to you!! I know you are having a tough time, and I hope you are able to find the answers that are right for you and your children.
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I have been reading this thread and praying daily for you. I know that sounds so trite.. but, my heart just truly goes out to you. As an adoption hopeful mom, I could go on and on telling you what an amazing gift... or how long we have waited... or blah blah blah. But, what I really want to tell you is this:
Being a single mom is hard. I was one for 9 years. And I am in no way trying to lead you in any direction. This is your choice and your choice alone. But, when I read and reread this thread, I just feel led to tell you that from my perspective (which may not be normal.. we have two bio children and one we lost in late pregnancy.. and we hope to adopt.. ok it's SO not a normal perspective) ahem.. my perspective is that what you decide needs to be fully what you want. Trying to make everyone happy in life is exhausting. Trying to do right by anyone other than yourself and your children in this situation ( and frankly most situations) may be a much more painful thing than exhaustion. What you choose is ultimately yours to decide... just, please know, from the heart of someone who wants to adopt, but is a mommy first and foremost. My wish for you is that if you do choose a family to co-parent, that they respect your heart enough to follow your wishes to the tee... even if that wish is ultimately to raise these babies yourself.
Blessings to you.
I placed a baby for adoption about 4 years ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had 2 kids already and had been seperated from my husband for 6 months. The baby was his too, but we were over and I was living in an apartment. Daycare was expensive and financially it would have made things harder, but you don't choose adoption because of financial reasons. I wanted my baby to have a family. A mom and a dad. Life is already hard and she deserved to start out with the best. Unfortunatly I couldn't give her that. What I could do was find the right home for her. The agency I picked helped with free counseling and allowed me to make my own decision. I could choose to parent, work it out with my husband, abort the baby or place the baby for adoption. There was a lot of support there and I lived for the counseling sessions every week. They also offered group counseling and I was able to talk to other people in my same situation. There was people who had adopted, those whoi had choosen to parent, single mothers, girls who had aborted their babies and even older adults like you who had been adopted. I found it really helped me with the whole situation. my husband was against adoption, so I really needed the support that the group offered me. Not solely for adoption but for any decision I made. If you have questions, I will gladly help all I can. Good luck. No matter what your choice always remember to make the best choice for the babies.
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Hey Allie - I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. It is difficult and I'm sure you've heard every advice in the book. I just want to say I know you will do well and everything will work out. Don't worry about him as much as yourself and those three precious ones. I'm sure you will find a home for them that is perfect. His response sounds like he is scared to be responsible for his own kids, but he will support someone else's since it's not permanent. He can walk away at any time from the 3 year old, but these three are his. He's probably scared and not telling you.
My husband and I are pregnant and my kids are grown, so we are looking at all the various options as well. I'm blessed to have the support I do have.
You have such a large burden and I know you will do well in choosing a family and finding the best for those three little ones. Have you told your kids yet?