Talking with Birth Mother About Me Breastfeeding

I told our caseworker and she told our emom. She was very happy that we were choosing to do this and there was no issue whatsoever. To me, it was just one of those things that I did not want to hide. I know that some birthmoms are against it and it would make a difference to them if they knew an amom was planning on adopting. I just felt better by being open about it.

I think that of all the important things that you should agree on to be "match"...what and how you feed the baby shouldn't matter. What's next? Brand of diapers or baby shampoo? We're being entrusted to provide the best possible life for this baby and if our breastmilk is the healthiest choice we should do it if we can. It is an amazing blessing that this is even an option for those adopting. :-) Good luck to you usisarah, it sounds like you haven't had the easiest road so far. I'll be thinking of you.

As a first Mom, I would be DEVASTATED to find out that this was planned and was intentionally kept from me for fear I would back out of the match. It just doesn't feel like an open and honest way to start a relationship. Matching is about, well matching and if I felt (hypothetically, by the way, this wasn't an issue for me) strongly against adoptive breast feeding, that's my perogative and then I wouldn't believe that it was a "match" you know? Breastfeeding can be addressed in SO many different ways. Expectant Mom breast feeding in hospital (have you discussed this with her?), birth Mom pumping post birth, adoptive Mom breast feeding. But since many people ARE passionate about it, I think it is an important discussion to have.

I think you just need to decide what you feel comfortable discussing too. I think if you feel like its something pressing in your heart and you feel like you have to share it with her then thats what you should do. I don't think it's sneaky to not discuss it with your bmom. You are in no way putting the baby in harms way by doing it or damaging the baby by doing it. So how is it unlike any other decision you'll make as a parent? All parenting decisions are personal and you aren't going to discuss them all.

Kelly, I TOTALLY hear what you're saying. And personally, I don't think Dee needs to run parenting decisions by me at all! I trust her to do what's best for Cupcake :) She's her Mom, and I respect that 100%! Where this situations differs (for me) is that when someone worries about how the expectant Mom would take it, then it seems to be an issue. It's why it's different than brand of diapers or shampoo. I doubt most prospective aMoms go, "I REALLY want to use Pampers but I'm afraid of what the eMom we're matched with will think, so I'm not going to disclose that." But with things like adoptive breast feeding (which may be very far off most eMom's radars because it's likely something they don't know is possible!) there seems to be a lot of concern from adoptive parents that are worried about the perception of the eParents. So it just makes sense that it's something to share. And the benefits of breast feeding ARE so great, that it would be great to be able to open the conversation up with eMom - especially since the colostrum she produces at the very beginning is SO good for the baby! Perhaps you could then encourage her to breastfeed the baby first so it can get those great nutrients from the beginning! Best of luck to you!!

I called our case worker yesterday to see if she will talk to our emom for me about it. It's not that I necessarily wanted to keep it from her, but I was thrown for a loop when she requested contact from us a few times then wouldn't answer the phone. Like I said earlier, it's too personal of an issue for me to leave a message about, but I hadn't considered going through the case worker. After all, when I'm with the emom for a few days in the hospital, I'm going to have to pump, so I don't want to be leaving every two or three hours for twenty minutes or so and leave her wondering what's the deal. The case worker is supposed to call me back today. She knows our emom pretty well so hopefully she'll have an idea of how to discuss it. She has a dr. appt next week...maybe her dr can discuss the benefits of breastfeeding with her.

Usisarah- glad you were able to communicate through your cw! Thanksgiving- I was more refering to patenting decisions such as discipline or schooling(homeschooling vs public/private) more then pampering ;). Those are personal decisions too but rarely are aparents pushed to discuss their stance an what they will do with thoses. Again, I think if an amom feels like she should talk with the emom about it then she certainly should. But she shouldn't feel pressured IMO. And certaily if asked about it she should be truthful.

Well quick update. The CW got back with me later in the week when I called and we talked about it. She said the hospital our emom is delivering is VERY adoption unfriendly in general and specifically does not allow adoptive breastfeeding in the hospital (I made another post about that...anyone know what my rights are regarding breastfeeding after TPR is signed). She said that this has caused huge stress in situations she's had in the past because the dr and nurses are against it and let it be known. She doesn't recommend mentioning it. Now I'm not sure what to do. The emom is an adult so on the one hand I think she should be able to form her own opinion but on the other hand when I had my bio daughter I know I would not have wanted the added stress of a dr not approving of something for the baby...I would have felt very overwhelmed. Thoughts?

I'm confused... Is the emom relinquishing her rights IN the hospital? Most states prohibit this practice (not all though). I know here in California that relinquishment can't occur until after the mother is discharged from the hospital except in very specific situations, such as a lingering postpartum complication. If you're looking for your child to get the very best start in life, I would recommend asking emom to breastfeed while she is in the hospital. Her colostrum is so vital in terms of bolstering baby's immune system. If she doesn't want to breastfeed, ask her to pump her breast milk for a week or so in order to get the colostrum.

She can sign TPR 48hrs after the birth or when she is discharged, whichever is sooner. We are expecting the baby to have a longer hospital stay due to maternal drug use. She's taking methadone daily as a treatment for oxycontin addiction. So when I say adoptive breastfeeding isn't allowed, I'm referring to the time that the baby will most likely be hospitalized going through withdrawals after TPR has been signed. I'm not sure about having the emom pump or breastfeed due to the drug program she's on...although the baby has been in the womb this whole time while she's taking the methadone, so maybe there's not a difference. Thoughts?

I would ask a pediatrician about the EBM option from the expectant mom. They will know more than us.

Have you thought about donated breastmilk to bottle feed till you get out of the hospital? I'm not sure what the criteria is at the milk banks but it might be worth checking. OR, when is the baby due? Do you have time to start pumping/taking herbs and have some supply before the baby gets here?

Questioning, What is EBM? I started pumping this week and the emom is due Aug 9, although they don't expect her to go full term. I'm getting about 3/4oz per pump session in the mornings and it dwindles from there. I'm sure I'll be able to bottle feed some of my own breastmilk, but the CW acted like it took an act of Congress to get this hospital to let one of her clients breastfeed last year. If I have a right to breastfeed in the hospital, I want to push back on this issue after TPR is signed. Does anyone know if the hospital staff can force me to feed formula just because I'm the adoptive mother?

I almost adopted a methadone exposed infant and the Dr. said the baby gets even more methadone via breastmilk than prenatally. I wish you the best with the weaning from methadone. It's a long haul. My little guy took 3 mos to go home from the hospital, so I sure hope breastfeeding works out. It would be the best thing for the little one!

If I were to give up a baby,Beast feeding would be a must for me,So I would talk about it to the birth mom.