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Hi everyone,
I am an adoptive mom of a 10 yr. old girl. We have always talked about the fact that she is adopted, read books, etc. She has always been a very happy and well-adjusted child.
Recently, she started asking more questions about her birthmother. We have a ton of information on her birthmother - first and last name, location, birthdate, medical history, etc. I told my daughter what her birthmother's first name is and then she kept asking stuff like "Do you know where she is?" "Could we send her a postcard?" I was expecting questions, of course and my husband and I do not want to lie to her at all. But our fear is the internet. As our daughter gets older and gets more internet savvy (teen years), with the info we have on her birthmother, she could easily contact her. I know her birthmother would love contact, but my husband and I think it is best for our daughter to be 18.
In addition to this, we also send pictures and letters to the birthmother to keep her updated. This was part of our agreement and we also feel as if she deserves this for giving us the best gift we ever received :) .
Our dilemma is this: as our daughter grows and wants more info, I feel as if I can't tell her everything - all the birthmom info, plus the fact that we, ourselves send periodical pics/updates to her without my daughter in her teen years wanting to contact her via the internet. Yet, I feel as if it would be horrible and damaging to lie to her and tell her that we don't know where she is, etc.
How do I not lie to her about birthmom info, but also keep her from making contact until she is 18?
We adore this child and only want the best for her, but we just don't know what to do! Any advice is much appreciated!!!
Kate
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Just tell her that. I would even tell her that you send her birthmother updates, maybe even allow her to send a note with an update you send. And let her know that you have more information about her birth mother that you will give to her when she is old enough.
I think it would be a shock to her to learn later that you have been writing to her birth mother about her without her knowledge. So I would tell her that you send the updates as you agreed before she was born, but that you don't give personal information. That will be hers to share if and when she chooses (after reaching adulthood).
Your daughter is right at that age where she will want to know more. My daughter (age 8) has also begun asking more questions. And more thoughtful questions.
My child was glad to hear that we keep in touch with her birthmother. We don't have an open relationship, but she knows that we can contact her birthmother and vise versa if and when we need or want to. She knows that we have her name and info, and it will be given to her when she is an adult. And then she is free to do with it what she feels is best.
Recently, however, she recently commented that it was strange to her that a woman that she has never met has pictures and personal info about her, and we don't get the same in return. Our daughter asked that we stop sending pictures of her. We still will send the yearly updates, but will have to stop sending photographs at her request. I feel that if she doesn't want someone to have pictures of her, we should respect that. We did tell her that the yearly updates were part of the agreement, and would continue. She is fine with that, as long as we don't get too personal (she's a VERY private person).
So how do you not lie but also keep her from making contact? Just that. Tell her the things that are true, - she should basically know her whole adoption story by now, or soon. I would (will with my kids) leave out any identifying information, but make sure they basically know it all, including the updates you send, so there are no surprises for your child later. Just the added info that she knows you are safekeeping for her.
Good luck! and enjoy your daughter!
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katieb55
my husband and I think it is best for our daughter to be 18.
ripples
What a tough question! Good for you for being so open in discussing adoption with your daughter! I really don't know at what age it's recommended to have contact and what level of contact is appropriate. What I'd suggest is that you first read up as to what the adoption research says, particularly the research on open adoption, about answers to that. The reason I say this is that your daughter may or may not understand why she needs to wait until 18 and/or how challenging reunion can be for all members of the adoption triangle. And given that she's entering those challenging, testy, 'yes I can do anything' years of teenhood, I recommend that you have a good back-up reason so that she doesn't misinterpret your intentions (eg. my parents are just too hung-up, selfish or mean!) as to why you think it's best to wait. You might also like to consider sharing some teen-appropriate writings on adoption and adoption reunion with your daughter. And then once you've both read up on the stuff and discussed the complexities in a teen-appropriate way, perhaps you can involve her into making an informed decision about contact, the pros, the cons, the difficulties, etc; I imagine that like other rather big, complex decisions, the more that you can involve your daughter in understanding the pros and cons and the reasons behind the final decision, the better off you'll be in deciding whether to divulge her b-mom's contact details. I agree that it's definitely not good to lie to her about her b-mom, eg. "we don't know where she lives". And if your daughter presses you to give her her b-mom's details, and you're not sure whether it's the right thing to do, perhaps you can say 1) you understand how important contacting her b-mom is to your daughter (this is acknowledging your daughter's feelings) but that 2) you need time to mull it over since 3) you want to make sure that you do the right thing by her, and that 4) contact can be very, very complex. I hope my two cents helps.
Why is 18 the magic age? I'm 32 and dealing with an issue regarding my birth mother. See my other thread in this sub-forum for details. Age isn't the factor, maturity is. Is 10 too young? I think so, but wait till 18 & that just reinforces that you are trying to control her and will be grounds for rebellion...If she understands and is ok with everything thus far, why try and control her? I agree with ripples...discuss the possible issues and let her decide.
I see nothing wrong with letting her know you send birth mom updates, pics ect. You can also let her know that you know her address & will share that when she is older & you & dad & birthmom decide it's time. I think it's a maturity level in combination with age. Maybe she just needs to know birthmom loves her, is safe, thinks of her ect. Keep in mind she is a 10 year old asking questions & needs 10 year old answers.
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I think you're doing a great job, and asking important questions. I would also caution you about thinking 18 is a magic number. At that point, yes, she's a legal adult and can make those choices but it's will come off as she gets older as controling, and possibly that there's something "wrong" with her bmom that she needs to be an adult to hear. Maybe tell her that you'll be happy to help her get to know her bmom when everyone is ready, or however it's appropriate to explain to her age group.As you know, these questions have nothing to do with you as a parent, but with her search for identity. The internet will make it easier, but I think the more info you can give her now, that's a natural part of her growing up, the less tempted she may be.
katieb55
Hi everyone, I am an adoptive mom of a 10 yr. old girl. We have always talked about the fact that she is adopted, read books, etc. She has always been a very happy and well-adjusted child. Just a note that she will continue to be a happy well adjusted child - who is now recognising she wants more info..."who" she is will not change although there may be a few months or years of angst coming with the teenage years that you will need to grin and bear...but she will come through it... Recently, she started asking more questions about her birthmother. We have a ton of information on her birthmother - first and last name, location, birthdate, medical history, etc. I told my daughter what her birthmother's first name is and then she kept asking stuff like "Do you know where she is?" "Could we send her a postcard?" I was expecting questions, of course and my husband and I do not want to lie to her at all. But our fear is the internet. As our daughter gets older and gets more internet savvy (teen years), with the info we have on her birthmother, she could easily contact her. I know her birthmother would love contact, but my husband and I think it is best for our daughter to be 18. Seeing as per below you send updates have you considered asking her to send a note with your update - once you tell her you send updates? In addition to this, we also send pictures and letters to the birthmother to keep her updated. This was part of our agreement and we also feel as if she deserves this for giving us the best gift we ever received :) . Our dilemma is this: as our daughter grows and wants more info, I feel as if I can't tell her everything - all the birthmom info, plus the fact that we, ourselves send periodical pics/updates to her without my daughter in her teen years wanting to contact her via the internet. Yet, I feel as if it would be horrible and damaging to lie to her and tell her that we don't know where she is, etc. You have to be honest and explain you have been honoring your agreement to send updates. That "you" have respect for her first mother and have continued to prove it with the updates will be very important to her future trust in you - telling her now that you have always sent updates may in fact be all she needs now, especially if she can add a note and you can receive an update back (you can read it first etc see below). How do I not lie to her about birthmom info, but also keep her from making contact until she is 18? I agree with the other posters that making 18 a magic number is probably not the best but to focus on the maturity level. Consider my idea on including her in the updates and asking her first mother to send a note back but to keep it light (you can read it first)...small baby steps over the course of her teenage years idea? We adore this child and only want the best for her, but we just don't know what to do! Any advice is much appreciated!!! Kate
Thank you all for your input. It is much appreciated!!
I just wanted to respond about 18 being the magic number. We don't think of it as the magic number, we just think that she should get through some of the tough teen stuff before she makes contact with her bmom.
I also do not think it is fair to us as aparents to invite such contact at such a tumultuous time. I don't really need her contacting her bmom at a time when she is mad at us, etc. I think it would complicate things at the very least. I was not adopted, had great parents, etc. but I went through a time as a teen where I couldn't stand my parents and wished I was adopted so I could go live with someone else! My husband also went through a similar feeling as a teen. At 18, a lot of angst has been worked through and it is also a big time of becoming independent.
I am planning based on your input to play it by ear, but mostly planning on giving her ALL the info to contact her at 18.
I agree with one of the posters who said that it needs to be the right time for everyone in the adoption triangle.
Another poster suggested giving her books to read about feelings she might be having about being adopted and also how complex meeting a bparent can be so that she will have a little more understanding that we are not being mean or trying to control her, just waiting until there is a little more maturity to handle such a meeting.
Thanks so much everyone!!!
Kate
Dickons
Juliana,
Have you asked her first mother to send pictures back and explain she feels kind of funny with pictures only going one way?
Kind regards,
Dickons
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Kate, altho I am a male adoptee, I can appreciate many of the concerns your daughter is beginning to share. The key to safe guarding your daughters feelings is her understanding that what you have done has been out of concern for her.The following are a few ideas for your evaluation. First, I would break down the info that you have in regards to b-mom and decide how much info you are willing for her to have now. Develope what you are going to share, much like the chapters of a book, and shared in chapter form. Each time you answer questions or share a part of the story, that is all you can provide for now because of her age. When she gets older, you will share more.If she understands that out of concern for her, you are withholding pieces of the story, it will be easier for her to accept.Knowing that at some point she will be old enough to know the whole story, will give her something to expect in the future.Age related endpoints may work well for her. It doesn't have to be 18. When you feel she can handle the story, you will know.If she does go to FBook and discovers b-mom, you wont be able to prevent that. But you want to be in the honorable position of showing that through the years you have been honest and have shared only pieces of info out of concern.I wish you the best.
Katie,Was your child adopted from foster care? I'm wondering if there was some type of abuse or neglect involved, and if her birth mother poses some kind of danger.If your daughter was adopted as an infant, and if her birth mother is a good person, I would suggest something else for you to think about. Sometimes it is good to approach some tough issues before the teen years...during those preteen years when kids are still in tune to their parents and their bodies haven't started going haywire. Perhaps her birth mother could send her pictures and a few letters to open up the lines of communication so it is not as "big" of a deal later - in those turbulent teens.I was adopted at birth, have great parents and a good childhood. Like your daughter, I would ask my parents questions which they were good at answering....to a certain point. By your daughter's age I had totally figured out that my parents had put up a "wall" and I started my own "searching." I did this very quietly - I was a "good" kid and didn't want to cause waves. I am sure that if the internet had been available, I would have very actively pursued this search on my own.Part of my point is right now your daughter is asking, is including you. She has opened up to you the door of her emotions, thoughts, and desires. In my experience, once I realized at that young age that my parents wouldn't walk with me on that path, I quietly closed the door to them. And, sadly, it's never really opened back up in regards to my adoption journey. (we do have a great relationship though - just doesn't really include anything regarding my adoption)All that said, you are the parents and you are the final judge of what is best. We all do the best we can. I just remember being that quiet, good kid, and eventually being alone with my desire to know how I started, who I was, and who the rest of my people were.
Something else just occurred to me, even some of us adoptees with great parents etc... like to control our adoption stuff. Her reluctance to share pictures may be more indicative of her trying to control some of the circumstances than truly objecting to the pics. Not that her decision should be disrespected either way. Some of us adoptees develop into little control freaks regarding certain things.
I agree with Drywall above. Understand that guys generally are more ambivalent about the adoption thing when they are kids. I researched and read heavily while I was debating search/reunion and one trend that was clear was girls tend to want to "know" far earlier. I didn't have any real interest until I was in my mid 30s, but teen girls frequently become deeply interested in knowing all they can. So my advice as a male may not be as relevent. I received information as Drywall suggested, in pieces or 'chapters' as I would ask a question or two every so often through the years. My A-mom would give very succinct, direct answers to my questions. This was a good way to quench some of my thirst for knowledge without giving away more than I could handle.Ultimately, when I decided to search I was shocked (pleasantly) at how much my A-mom knew about my birth family. I did not resent her 'holding back' the information as I realize now that I was not capable of dealing with it earlier as a child. Wether or not your daughter will feel the same way if you employ this method you can only speculate. I think you simply have to follow your instincts on this, but I would err on the side of caution as the reunion process is VERY emotional and not for the immature, regardless of how well it may or may not go. I'm 45 now and still trying to figure out how to relate to my b-family!
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i was adopted from the nuns age 2 days, straight out of hospital, it was finalised 6mths later, there was no such thing as "open adoption" my mother only had the same info as in later years that i had, my birth cert with birth mother/father. so she knew nothing and could tell me nothing, so i went through teen life with the same old image of being a millionaires daughter, or a film stars.
i got one hell of a kick in the behind when i found her at 25yrs old.
i think you should tell her, the mothers first name, the area she was from and why she gave her to you to love and care for her, (depending on the mothers situation at the time). also tell her you send her info or pictures, and that when she is older (dont specify an age as she will hold you to that exactly) , that she can contact her and find out every thing else.
i never cared that i was adopted, didnt bother me one bit, i only wanted contact to see who i looked like, and ask why, i didnt find the person i thought i would and she didnt want to know. so just tread carefully and best of luck.
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