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Sorry to recap something I've had some posting on before, but now it's been almost another week and I'm going crazy!
My daughter found me two weeks ago via an email (my work email was easy to find online, I guess). I wrote back quickly (her email in evening my reply first thing the next morning) heard back from her about a day later, replied w/in a few hours (I'm always at a computer...) and then nothing.
Two days later I sent a message to the first email address she'd contacted me from just to let her know I'd replied to the new address. A few hrs later I received a note saying yes she did, but couldn't reply at the time. Her original email said a lot of tidbit info; and asked me to do the same, talk about anything I wanted to, sent me her number but said she wouldn't have a lot of time to talk on the phone for a little while.
That is the last I've heard. I'd sent some pictures of her first week of life w/me before she went to her adoptive parents... I'd read that those were good things to send if you had them... but it's been well over a week since that short "I got it" message.
SHE contacted me, I was so hoping she would someday, she is 18 now and I just don't know what to do! The few friends I've confided in have told me I CANNOT contact her again, ever, no matter how long it is. If I had contacted her first and then gotten this silence, I would look at it completely differently. But she contacted me, didn't ask for anything (like, she wasn't trying to find out if I had some rare disease or something) and seemed very calm and interested and all.
I have two sons and mentioned them, I knew she already knew about them because her adoptive parents are friends with friends of my parents, and I had a myspace page for a long time that was open. I had them both many years after she was born. I was so sure that by now we'd have emailed many times more and talked on the phone even.. instead, it started out well (message, reply, message, reply, reply) and I just keep checking my email every few seconds and can't focus on anything else!
So advice from any adoptees who contacted bparents and then pulled back right away, and what they would want or what you think I should do, and for other bparents, what would you do??
thank you so much!
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Just another thought... You say you maintain a My Space Page. Could you make a blog post on how something special happened in the last X time and it is what you dreamed of for so long and now it has come true and how very happy you are about it but waiting to make sure it is okay before being less cryptic- all without truly talking about it? Chances are she may be checking your page and may help? Kind regards,Dickons
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As an adoptee, I must say- if she contacted you first, no reason why you cant reach out again. Keep it light, don't ask her why she hasn't responded, just give her some more information. Maybe say that you just thought of some other things she might like to know, and write her a quick, upbeat email. Maybe even write a little something about how happy you are to have heard from her, etc.
Personally I think you can contact her again. Maybe she just needs a little bit of time, but there is no harm in a quick email to tell her your thinking of her. As long as you keep it light, I doubt it'll affect her in any sort of negative way.
I'm an adoptee too. Maybe your daughter just needs some time to "digest" everything even though she is the one who found you. She is very young & 18 can be a tough age. I found out who my bmom was when I was much, much older & it is still very overwhelming even as a mature adult.
I think I would give her a bit more time & then if you don't hear anything - just send a note like "thinking of you".
Snuffie
It seems to me that she opened the door to you contacting her... I'd keep it light and conversational... let her know what's happening in your life and with her brothers... Is she graduating from high school this year? If so, there's lots of "stuff" outside of adoption happening in her life. I think it's always too easy to think the worst (she doesn't want anymore contact; I did/said something wrong, etc) when it's just that life has gotten crazy busy for one or the other of you. Hang in there!
You are all fabulous, I can't thank everyone enough for the replies! I have a message written (and re-written, and re-written). I haven't used Myspace in a LONG time, but that was a good idea. I'm going to save the message as long as I can.... I'm trying to be patient and NOT sending it yet is a good test in restraint and willpower for me! So kakuehl, you think mentioning her brothers is o.k., that makes me feel good. It's not a secret, they exist, and you're right, there are her siblings! I decided I would not talk about specifics of my decision of choosing for her to be adopted... I believe she knows I was in college and wanted what was best for her, and thought that would be something to discuss if/when she asked about it and ideally maybe better over the phone. I believe she's happy and well adjusted and maybe, just like me, just feels something is "missing" which is our connection. At least that's what I hope. I have a great family, a very good life. That's what has been so hard about this.... a friend told me to not ignore what I have for what I don't have. :)
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I would not talk about anything "deep" (like why you decided for adoption) unless you are engaged in a conversation with her. Then answer the questions she asks. It's easy for us to give too much info, especially when we think it might be our only chance. That can be overwhelming. Let her know you are open to answering her questions and let her control the conversation. Until then, "keep it light." You might ask what's happening in her life right now. In my community, high school graduations are taking place. You may find out why she is so busy right now. (Maybe she's on a graduation trip.)
kakuehl
I would not talk about anything "deep" (like why you decided for adoption) unless you are engaged in a conversation with her. Then answer the questions she asks. It's easy for us to give too much info, especially when we think it might be our only chance. That can be overwhelming. Let her know you are open to answering her questions and let her control the conversation. Until then, "keep it light." You might ask what's happening in her life right now. In my community, high school graduations are taking place. You may find out why she is so busy right now. (Maybe she's on a graduation trip.)