My Baby Girl

Speaking from experience....I can say that sometimes, it IS tough to have intervention at a specific time, because it CAN trigger more behaviors you weren't even fully aware of. To me, there's definately a time and a place for intervention. That's not to say you shouldn't have the intervention at all......it's to say there's a time and place, KWIM? The other part of this is realizing (as you do) you certainly have your plate set for you. This is a heavy...and you should be applauded for hanging in there with such a vast amount of behaviors to work with. ((HUG)) If I were you.......I might consider SOME intervention. as long as you're a part of it---always. Our family had a child that was petrified of his biomom...and with good cause. He did better when we were continually telling him we'd protect him, how it was nearly impossible for her to do anything to him---find him, etc. Over the years, that issue did get better. I hope this suggestion helps somewhat. It may have already been something you'd considered......but I wish you good luck in it. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Most Sincerely, Linny

I wish there were tips! I would read the books (i.e Adopting the Hurt Child, Attaching in Adoption, The Connected Child etc.) Therapy is a given. Welcome to the forums. My dd also has RAD and PTSD. It's a great place to find support. Normally I just post my special needs in the general forum, you'll meet alot of moms dealing with the same issues as you are! Which makes you a SUPER MOM!

Geeeese, sounds like this poor baby needs permanency pronto! Why does bmom still have visiting rights after 5 years? Anyhow, my kids had MANY of those behaviors in the beginning too (minus the sexual ones which would be very hard to deal with so kuddos to you) The behaviors did not stop until the visits stopped. #'s 8-16 that you listed have gotten soooo much better since putting the kids on ADHD meds. I KNOW this is controversial, but I waited a year and a half to give them time to settle in and then it was "OK DOC give them something or give ME something!" There have been no side effects and we can finally enjoy being around our kids and doing things as a family. Their attention span has increased, they play independantly for extended periods of time, they fight less, they don't chatter constantly anymore...the list goes on. I hope that they are able to get off the meds as they grow and heal, but for mow, they are happier and so are we! If you are seeing a psychiatrist he/she will be able to assess whether medication would help your daughter. I would consider it if the doctor feels it is appropriate.

Thanks for the responses! I'll try to hit each point. As far as having the "intervention" now, since she was placed here, my exH has been the only one with legal custody and I have only been her guardian. He made the decisions as far as treatment, and his decision was "no way". At first he said (when CPS was involved) was that he was afraid CPS would think we couldn't handle her and take her away. After CPS closed their case, he said it was because he was afraid if we took her for treatment, they might think WE were the ones that treated her so badly and we'd be back dealing with CPS. Once he finally agreed to let me adopt K (he kept thinking birthmom would straighten herself out and if she didn't, it was too embarrassing to go to court again and admit he had a child with her), it took a while to find an attorney competent enough to take our case. Apparently there is no precedent in our state for an ex spouse to adopt. I was just given shared legal custody (with the exH) on April 20th. Now we have to wait until October 20th to file the adoption as I have to have legal custody of K for 6 months before I'm not considered a legal stranger to her. Now that I do share legal custody, he isn't the only one making the decisions. She's needed help for a long time. I've done the best I can but I know her problems are beyond my ability. The longer we wait, the more ingrained her behaviors will become. Birthmom filed against us saying we haven't allowed visitation. The truth is, she hasn't tried to see K in all this time. Until now, birthmom has been a non-issue. (Except for when K saw her on TV, and for when one of her teachers made her use birthmom's surname on her school work.) Now that K knows her birthmom wants to see her, (I spoke with a neighbor about what is going on and her bratty kid told K) she is fearful and anxious all of the time. Now is when she needs this to happen and finally, her father understands how emotionally hurt and fragile K is and he finally isn't fighting me on this. Because birthmom brought this case against us, and it has been having such a negative impact on K, part of our agreement is that if the CP feels K could not handle meeting birthmom or that the prospect of meeting her is causing her distress, the CP can state that birthmom should not have visitation and birthmom would have to abide by that. The magistrate was very frank with birthmom about her past (and present) and told her that the court's concern wasn't for birthmom's parental rights at this point, but for K's well being. Personally, I wish birthmom would just crawl back in her hole. However, since my case for adoption is one where we have to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that birthmom is unfit, her filing against us has given us the opportunity to prove that we gave her the chance (she has several other stipulations to fulfill before there's even a possibility of visitation... and a history of never completing a case plan), and she couldn't fulfill her obligations. As far as ADHD medications; K's brother (my son) takes Concerta for ADD. It was much more effective for him than Strattera. I'm not opposed to medication, however, I would like to try all other courses before going that route. Mainly because she just cannot swallow pills. She has seasonal allergies and as little as those pills were, she always gagged and never got a single one down. And finally, it is SO nice to find a forum with so many experienced people. I'm getting some great advice just reading the threads. I really appreciate the welcome!!

Welcome to the forums! It does sound like you have a lot on your plate. I was wondering if the topic of supervised visits has come up. Surely someone with anextensive drug history can't be expected to get unfettered access to a child. It might reduce some anxiety if you can confirm you'll be "right there" for the entire visit.

Hopefully, it won't get that far (BM having visitation). In any case, it would never be anything but supervised visitation. We didn't put forth any other prospect but supervised visitation as BM has a history of kidnapping one of her children she didn't have custody of during an unsupervised visitation. She fled to Georgia and the child was returned to her father after BM "forgot" her in a public park at the age of 18 months. K knows she will never have to be alone with BM. If she does have to meet BM, it would be with us and the therapist present. My hope is that by the time my adoption petition is filed in October, BM will again have not followed through with the case plan. (through CPS, she has failed to complete the case plan 4 times, once for each of her 4 children) Even if she does manage to get through all the stipulations to get the visitation, we still have the nearly 5 years of abandonment and that's enough for the TPR.

I understand wanting to try other avenues before going the medicine route. BUT, I wanted to let you know that my kids don't have to swallow their meds. They are capsules that we pull apart and sprinkle on yougurt (or pudding or applesause) Their allery meds are chewable. You may ask your dr about that. There is no way my kids would swallow a pill either! Our psychiatrist explained it this way. If my child had diabetes it would not work for me to just take away sugar from their diet. That would not take away the fact that their pancreas does not make insulin. ADHD is not that clear cut. There are other treatments besides medication. But, when you have tried all the other methods and your kids are still so impulsive that you fear for their safety, it is time to medicate and work toward behavior modifications that will allow your child to function without the meds one day. I have heard many parents say that being on the meds got their kids to a place where they could learn better behavior choices. It calms them down and helps them be able to actually hear what you are trying to teach them.

Hopefully, if she does have to take medication, it would be a type that you can crush or sprinkle. Even foul tasting liquids (no matter how much flavoring the pharmacy puts in) causes her to gag and vomit. Her first meeting with the new therapist went well. (her diagnoses came from an evaluation by CPS 5 years ago) She was nervous but she didn't hesitate too much in telling the T what was on her mind. That was a relief. The T was going down the list of symptoms; K told her that she did think about dying and she relates that to meeting BM. She told her about seeing BM on the news and that she stabbed someone and she was afraid BM would stab her. She said that made her sad because she would be in Heaven and I wouldn't be with her anymore. I told the T about K chewing up her tops at the collar and sleeves to the point that I am replacing her tops every two weeks because they are so torn up they aren't decent to wear. The T said that was a symptom of deep seated anxiety and it was common for children who were abused very early in life to act out in this way. The T asked her what would she wish for if she could have anything in the world. K said she would like to have a huge house. The T asked her who would live in that house with her and K said "my Mommy, my brother, my Sammy (my 18 yo), my dogs and cats, my Daddy, and (my oldest daughter and her two sons). The T said that tells her two things; That I am her most bonded parent and that it would be detrimental for BM to come into the picture at this time. And, since she prefaced everyone as "my", it means that her world revolves around being a part of her family as it is. They talked about boundaries such as letting her brother have privacy when he is in the bathroom. (she tries to watch him go to the bathroom or while taking showers/baths) The T said that no matter what we do, K will always be a sexualized child because BM exposed her to it and allowed sexual abuse happen to K. The best we can do is work on redirection of the behaviors to more appropriate behaviors. (respecting herself and respecting others) That's about all we covered so far. She gave K smooshy balls and told her that whenever she catches herself chewing on things or wanting to chew on things, she should pick up her smooshy ball and squeeze it until the feeling passes. We go back in two weeks. At that appointment, the T is going to try to talk to K without me present.

Also good for the chewing are those thick rubber bracelets. I had to get past the urge to stop my son from chewing on them because it is better than his clothes and much better than his fingers. A previous foster son chewed on his thumb so much that it kept getting infected and he had to take antibiotics for it. What has also helped is deep breathing. When I see my kids with their shirt or fingers in their mouth I will put my hand on their shoulder and say "breath honey, everything is ok." It is short and sweet and they have actually learned to do it on their own a little bit. It is working much better than "stop it!!" or "get your shirt/fingers out of your mouth!" because it addresses the core issue: major anxiety. So happy to hear you are finally able to get your DD some help! :clap: