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So I probably should separate these, but for the sake of convenience....here's the 2 questions for those of you who've been in the world of adoption longer than me. I need some wisdom. 1. I've been contemplating trying to reach out and locate S's birthfather's side of the family. I don't know that I'm ready to have contact with her birthfather. But I do have moments where I feel awful for her birthgrandparents who haven't been able to meet their granddaughter. I know very little about them. I know birth grandma's name and area of town she lives in and employer. I just know the vocation of birth grandfather. Her birth mother didn't even want to name the birth father, for several reasons, but did at the attorney's urging. I respect her wishes as far as no contact with birth father. Birth grandmother has received 1 picture of S by running into the birthmom at a store last year. She has no way to contact us. Any thoughts? I think it's been in my mind more lately because I thought we ran into birth father at a restaurant this week. I don't know for sure since we've never met, but I have found him online and it looked like him. I was too chicken to walk up and say, "Hey are you X?" B/c I didn't know what my next line would be. 2. On a completely different note. I have been asked to have dinner with a friend this weekend. She's considering adoption and we would be her #1 choice she said if she chooses adoption. I don't know what we will say. DH doesn't think she will actually place the baby because she has wanted to be a Mom for years, but the timing is not right at the moment. I dealt with so much guilt after S's adoption and we knew A for 2 weeks prior to S's premature arrival. This would be a very long match and she's a friend, I can't imagine the load of guilt I'll be carrying around. While we would love to adopt again, and it would be amazing if it was really this easy this time around, I don't know how this would work for us. We have a very open adoption with A, but I don't know how this person would handle the adoption afterwards? I guess none of us really know how anyone will be, but would you guys adopt a friend's child?
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#1 - What is your relationship with A like? Meaning can you approach her about her feelings regarding this? You've stated you respect A's wishes to not contact the bfather, so just wondering what, if anything, was ever mentioned about the grandparents? If the above isn't an issue, I think I would just send a short note to bgrandma and open the door if that's what you want to do. #2 - I can only tell you that I personally would not adopt a friend's child UNLESS I was prepared to give up the friendship. I'm not saying it would end but I'd have to be prepared for it to end. And THEN I'd feel like I used my friend to "just get a baby". That's just me though. For me, it's too much of an intimate situation and too many complications.I think at this time I'd be supporting her without adoption being a part of the equation. She's always wanted to be a mom..that says a lot.:)And oh! I don't envy your decisions! lol. Hopefully you find the right answers for you! ((HUGS))
Second one first - if she's wanted to be a Mom for a long time and right now the timing isn't right? I'd probably be inclined to help her find resources that might help out the timing. I obviously don't know all the details, but like we say so often: adoption is a VERY PERMANENT solution to what's often a temporary problem - be it money, or timing, or whatever. If after she's explored all her options, maybe had some counseling, talked to an unbiased party, and has really thought about the permanency of adoption, while looking at her "timing" issues - if after all that she's STILL thinking about adoption, THEN I would see having a conversation about her options as they include you in playing a role. But since you say it would be a long match, it sounds like she has a lot of time to think things over, and I would certainly encourage her and support her in that. I can't imagine it would be easy, but I believe that would be the right thing to do. (((((hugs))))) I'm going to think on your first question for a bit longer if that's okay....
Thank you ladies! Crick-I've mentioned to A before about trying to contact S's birthfather. She's completely against it mostly b/c she doesn't want him to find her, and she doesn't think he'd want any contact. I don't want to stir up any issues for A with him. I've mentioned how I don't mind if she gives our email address to the grandmother and she just changed the subject. It's weird. I don't know whether to bring it up again or not. I could wait until S is older and she decides whether or not to search but I'd hate to wait and then she can't find them. Or maybe she will never want to, who knows. it's so complicated! TGM- I'll pm you I don't want to post too many details. Thank you both for responding, it does mean alot!
I promised I was thinking about your questions and I have been. Question #1, I don't have experience in this situation. However, if it were me, I think I might send a note with a few pictures. Give gma an option of contacting you if she's interested. Here's where I am coming from. Birthdad's family didn't enter into the equation for my DD. However, it would be great to have some sort of information from Dad's side of the family. Family health, a favorite family recipe, pictures, etc. I would love to have any of that information for my DD. As for #2 - that one is a lot more difficult for me to answer. I was in a similar situation years ago. I said "yes" and then many months later (2 weeks before baby was born) the friend chose to keep the baby. Did it put a strain on our relationship? You bet it did. It put a strain on our families & friends as well. In the long run, it was the best thing for the Mom & child. I see that now. However, it was extremely tough for me. Had she given up her baby, the relationship would have still been very strained. That being said, that was the start of me going down the road of adoption & why I have my DD today.
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