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Hi - I'm new to this forum. I just got a letter from my bson - totally unexpected. I am thrilled and freaked out in about equal measure. He'll be 19 in a few weeks and is starting college in a couple of months. So, I know there are a lot of changes going on in his life. He wants to meet me and I'm dying to meet him. Trying to write a reply and don't know what balance to strike. He was a bit emotional in the letter, which surprised me. I don't know whether to meet him on that level or hold back a little. I am acutely conscious that I have no right to expect anything from him and I don't want to overwhelm him. At the same time, I don't want to hurt him any further by holding back too much. I understand a little where he is coming from, having had an alcoholic and emotionally unreliable mother myself. I also realize I can't really understand his position completely. Help? Also, if anyone knows of any support groups in the Madison, WI area, I'd be grateful for the information. :confused:
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First off - a piece of advice...if it is going to take you weeks to respond with a letter - send him a note saying received letter - a bit overwhelmed but in a good way - working on the letter now but it may take a couple of weeks. I say the above because of so many posts (and my own experience) about waiting for the reply after having worked up an incredible amount of courage just to write the letter and then more courage to even drop the letter in the post... Take a bit of time to really think about what you want from this reunion - play out how your life is now, how it will change in all the different levels...that way your letter will not have false expectations. Consider who knows about your son and what you are willing to tell...so many things to think of. Tell him your honest feelings on: how it made you feel getting the letter, how open you are to getting to know him, his life etc, how open you are for future a relationship and what parts of his life you are open to, i.e. his other family etc, what you are willing to share, i.e. the why's who's and what happened, I would personally keep it fairly short and level without promising the moon but not cold either. And then read all you can about reunions and natural reactions... Good luck,Dickons
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Dickons - thanks so much. I was thinking about sending a short note with some pictures, so I'm glad that you mentioned that. He's graduating from high school right about now, so I thought maybe I would send a graduation card with a picture of me and my family (he specifically requested a picture) and a note saying that a longer letter is in the works. I really am thrilled sideways to hear from him. I didn't expect it to be so soon, though... As you said, I do have some issues of my own to work through. My mother is still an active alcoholic and emotionally abusive, so I'm trying to work out what to do about her. My husband's (not bson's father) family doesn't know about the adoption, so the when and how to tell them, also. Lots to think about, as you said. I know I am open to any level of relationship - the more the better, but I want to let him decide what he's comfortable with. Fortunately, my husband is very supportive and even-keeled. I have a feeling we're going to need his steadiness....
bmomwi, Start with the grad card and picture...the rest will come. There are some really wonderful moms on this site (both sides) so they will give you their thoughts on any questions and it would be good to get the input from the adoptive parent perspective because adoptees sometimes feel like the rope in a tug of war - all internally - just due to the nature of adoption. The adoptee in me wants to point out that secrets are no good...being kept a secret in reunion...not good so truly consider that aspect. Hopefully some moms from both sides pop in to say hi. Kind regards,Dickons
Thanks! Everything you've said so far matches with my inclinations, so I feel a little better. At least I feel like I'm not completely off in left field. Yes, I agree that secrets are not positive in this situation. I plan on telling everyone what's going on, just a question of when and how. I'm not too concerned about my husband's family. I always expected to tell them when the time came, but I felt that they didn't need to know about it until then. My biggest concern in all of this is how to deal with the subject of my mother. She's very difficult and manipulative. She also tries to buy people with gifts and then tries to guilt them in to things. She's very good at it, having been practicing on me and my siblings for decades. How do you tell your bson that their bgrandma is a manipulative, emotionally abusive alcoholic and that he needs to protect himself when dealing with her? Very carefully, I would imagine but it's the specifics that I'm worried about. I have an appointment scheduled with my therapist, but she's very busy and it's over a month out. I'm hoping she will have a cancellation before then...
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You are right. I have no intention of telling my mother until I have to. It would just give her something else to hassle me about. I'm just mostly concerned about how to explain it to him. Right now, I'm thinking I'll just stick to basic information until he asks for more. I'm just hoping he doesn't ask right away - I don't want to blow it. I don't have any other children, so I've never had to deal with this issue before.