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My DD turned 18 a few months ago. I've been in a semi open adoption with contact through her mom for the past 4 years. The good news is that we've FINALLY have a plan to meet!!!! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: The bad news is that I'm not 100% convinced it's going to happen. Over the last six months, she brought up the possibility on her own a few times. It was her idea to schedule a meeting this summer. DD's mom has always been passive/agressive when it came to any mention of me and DD and contact, one minute it's "I can't wait until you meet you'll be great friends" and the next she's avoiding all mention of making solid plans. I was starting to figure out she was hoping I'd back off and drop the idea all together. I gave her the space she requested, and I asked her if she would please tell me wither way if she was planning on following through with scheduling a meeting. She responded that talked to DD and her mom wanted to "maybe" get together in August but she also admitted that she wasn't in a rush, because she was scared of DD and I meeting. I know it was a HUGE step to admit her insecurity and I'm proud of her for being honest. She said she knows on some level that she's being silly, that it doesn't change the fact that she is her mom and that it's not about her, it's about me and DD and it will be a good thing for us. But she's still scared of the unknown. The thing is that it was a lightbulb moment for me, and I realized that over the years, all the times I was insecure about her not following though on her promises were justified. I also realized that she's hid behind DD's age and her busy life as a reason why direct contact was a bad idea, and that DD must have always had an interest in meeting me too, or this whole meeting would not have been suggested. I've asked her many times if she was OK with DD and I meeting and she said she was, but I think she's OK happening "someday". She's having a hard time with "someday" being "now" I have this really strong feeling that she's not going to be able to overcome this and she's going to flake out on getting DD and I together, whether it be by e-mail or in person. I know that DD is 18 and her mom doesn't need to be a part of it, she and I get well, and have become friends. We have frequent contact, even if it's just a comment on FB here and there. I think she definitely has a place in this reunion, but she is very hesitant to turn the reins over so to speak. I have always been sensitive and respectful of her and her role, and went out of my way in my response to make sure she knew that she is entitled to her feelings and that I respect her honesty and I would never jeopardize our relationship. I know there isn't much more I can do, but at the same time, I feel it's really not fair if she stands in the way and lets her insecurities take center stage here, even if it's subconsciously. I do want to start establishing contact with DD before the meeting, and I've made that clear several times, but as usual, her mom has said "I'll ask her" said we'll talk later, and isn't responding to my follow up e-mail suggesting a date or contacting DD directly. I get it, I really do, but I'm really starting to get frustrated with the lack of response, or the broken promises. Advice? Thoughts?
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I can understand and all that jazz...:) I can understand simply because I'm kind of a control freak and "handing over the reins" so to speak...yikes!;) LOL!However, IF she bails on the actual plan set up, I think then it's time to do all the contact through dd. I'm not a fan of 18 year olds going it alone but if mom is going to impede the process, and dd wants to meet you, then I don't know how else to go about it. You've done everything the "right" way...Maybe just send a FB message to dd without mentioning meeting up and see if she replies and what happens? It's hard to know if dd is a lot like her mom and is a part of mom's wishy washy mode, kwim? So maybe just go ahead and start the direct contact and go from there.
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I like crick's answer.I'm thinking that maybe you and DD can talk and make some plans. Then you all can tell DD's mom that you all plan to meet at x place and if she wants to join you all, she would be welcome and that if she feels uncomfortable with it, that's fine too. Maybe if she is directly faced with it, it will help her confront her insecurities (which, as you said, took some major guts to say out loud...).Your DD's mom doesn't sound (from your posts) like the malicious type who would make your DD feel like crap for doing something like this. Also, if you let her know that she is welcome to join you all, she would still be included (so maybe she wouldn't feel like you all are trying to shut her out or something).Anyway, that's just a thought with no regard to logistics or anything so take it for what it's worth.Good luck Browneyes!
Brown, I don't have any great words of wisdom here...just hugs and sympathy. This is such a hard time, right before the actual reunion. I think your daughter's mom is probably scared to death...how could she not be? She doesn't know if her world is going to be rocked upside down or not...or if there will be a change in family dynamics; there's probably a million things she's scared of right now.My son and I were reunited shortly after he turned 18. Even though his parents were 100-percent onboard with the reunion (they started looking for me when he was 13), it was obvious to me that his mom had conflicting feelings and was scared. The first time I met DS in person, his mom and dad were there. We initially met up in a nice restaurant that offers privacy cubicles, and then his parents invited me to follow them to their home for the evening. His dad was super outgoing, kept the conversation going, and did a lot of direct eye contact with me. His mom, though, kept her eyes glued to the menu -- I suddenly realized she was afraid to look me in the face because she knew she was going to see her son's face written all over mine.It took time for us to become comfortable with each other...the two mothers, as DS's dad calls us. Looking back now (it's been twenty years), I think it took us at least six months, maybe longer, before we could really be spontaneous with each other. She and I met on a regular basis for lunch and girl chat. Within a year or so, I think she realized deep down in her gut that I wasn't trying to replace her. I mean, she knew that fact in her head when she first met me...but it took time for her heart to believe it.Be patient, Brown. You have many, many years ahead of you to forge your relationship with your daughter. I'm the first one to admit, however, that these last few months are so nerve-wracking. I was so impatient and nervous, and I wanted everything to happen RIGHT NOW! Hang in there...things have a way of working themselves out with time.
This quote stood out to me:
I'm just thinking of my reunion! And how A's mom just pushes and pushes that we are FRIENDS only. I'm glad that your daughter's mom at least admits mildly that she's being a bit silly about being nervous.
*sigh*
I also like crick's advice, but I know it's tricky.
It's SO FRUSTRATING. You can reassure until the cows come home but...
(((browneyes)))
"I can't wait until you meet you'll be great friends"
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Brown, I SO feel your frustration on this one! I know you'd be TOTALLY cool to sit back and wait as long at it took - even forever - if you were just waiting for DD to be ready to meet. It's the basically being told that she IS ready to build a relationship, but that aMom isn't ready that's killing you. (Correct me if I'm wrong though! :))
To date, you've been SO respectful of DD's Mom, SO completely on board with having reunion be something that the three of you began together as one unit, so I understand why you might be resistant to just contacting DD at this point without Mom's involvement.
What about sending Mom a FB email saying, "Hey, I'm really glad that we're moving in this direction and I really believe that when DD and I meet (be that this summer, next year, or a while from now) it will be beneficial for us to have had some one on one communication. I'd like to send her a message on FB this weekend. I just wanted to keep you in the loop as we move forward."
Maybe that can light the "hey, this IS happening, be involved or don't be - your call!" kind of fire under her patootie!
Also, I ABSOLUTELY agree with HP that DD's Mom isn't malicious and isn't doing this to intentionally hurt anyone. I just think she needs to realize that her actions have the definite possibility of hurting people and that she really needs to not just acknowledge them, but also needs to address them. (Which I hope she does by very quickly sending you some possible visit dates! Or at least "allowing" you to contact DD!!!!)
Good luck and hugs Brown!!!!
Thanks everyone!!! I've waited YEARS to hear that I was finally going to be in reunion (and you all waited with me:grouphug: ) but I've been more anxious than excited!!! I know that she's scared, and on a lot of levels, I get it! It's almost like we came full circle, now I'm the one who's counting the days until I see DD and her mom is the one who's scared of the uncertain road ahead. But like TG said, if it was DD who was uncertain, I'd wait forever. But I have to assume since this is a "go" that she isn't, and she's ready. It's also the fact that I think her mom understands that her actions could hurt me(and possibly DD) by promising me and not following through, and that she knows that it isn't about her, but it still doesn't mean she'll come around. And yes, I am a little "what about me!!!" here. For years I've done the best I could to be honest and respectful and present in this relationship. I've always kept boundaries and honored her role and her feelings. DD is an adult and is capable of making her own decisions as to whom she wants in her life (her mom's words) and she wants to meet me! Shouldn't that be enough? Raven: Thanks for your story. It does give me perspective. I know there is nothing I can say and I know it will take time. I'll remember that :) crick & HP: While I Looooove your advice I don't think I could do it for a few reasons. One is logistics: we live 400 miles apart. The other thing I'm afraid of is DD getting caught in the middle. Her mom isn't malicious, but I don't want her to end up feeling like we went behind her back and taking it out on DD by making her feel guilty about it. I have decided that if this doesn't work out, I will be contacting DD directly on my own. Quantum: She did say that she knows we'll have a great friendship! However, she has always acknowledged my motherhood in the past, even before I had my daughter this year. In a way I know what she means, her mom will always be HER MOM and I am not her mom in the traditional way. I don't think she's malicious, I think she's really conflicted, but still, it can seem like a petty dig at times! TG and Love: (((HUGS)))) I am going to let her get used to the idea, but I still believe it's the best thing for us to have a chance to exchange messages before we meet. I hope her mom can step aside and trust me enough to let me at least have that so we can start on the right foot!
browneyes0707
Over the last six months, she brought up the possibility on her own a few times. It was her idea to schedule a meeting this summer. DD's mom has always been passive/agressive when it came to any mention of me and DD and contact, one minute it's "I can't wait until you meet you'll be great friends" and the next she's avoiding all mention of making solid plans. I was starting to figure out she was hoping I'd back off and drop the idea all together. I gave her the space she requested, and I asked her if she would please tell me wither way if she was planning on following through with scheduling a meeting. She responded that talked to DD and her mom wanted to "maybe" get together in August but she also admitted that she wasn't in a rush, because she was scared of DD and I meeting.