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Need a perspective from adoptees on this. Did they tell you or did you find out by accident? Anyone find out that the amom tried to sabotage any contact/reunion for their own reasons? How did you feel when you found out? My daughter is 16 and was never told she is adopted (not yet), they never intended on my staying in contact even though we verbally agreed on some kind of semi open adoption and that she would be told when she got old enough. Its not my place to tell her if they never do even after she turns 18. I dont want to be the one who turns her life unpside down because they made the wrong choice to not tell her when she was young. I have stayed in touch with aparents since her birth. How will all of this affect her relationship with aparents. I think if I ever did tell her it would most certainly ruin any relationship I had with amom because she doesn't want her to know.
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I always knew. So I'm not a lot of help on that front.
I do believe her parents are making a big mistake, one that will definitely come back to bite them.
It is their responsibility to tell her. If you tell her, it WILL ruin your relationship with amom. Just know that upfront. Someday that will be worth it, but maybe not just yet. It might mess up your future relationship with your daughter as well. That said, I also believe she has a right to know. You have no right to tell her - you gave up any right to make any parenting decisions, BUT you are her birth mother, and I totally understand your wanting her to know the truth - both for the simple sake of honesty and also so that she has the chance to decide when (and whether) she wants to meet and get to know you.
And I totally agree with you that it isn't right that they won't tell her. Maybe you could give them a heads up that you are planning on contacting her in the future, and they might want to have that chat beforehand.
Whether she knows or not, I personally think 18 is a little young for you to pursue first contact, if the adoption is not open. So I wouldn't be calling her on her 18th birthday, explaining who you are. But later, I think it would be okay. Good luck. That is a frustrating position to be in.
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I wish I had known better back then to have it put in writing, I thought verbal agreements meant something. I would rather them tell her now and if she decides to pursue contact when she is ready then I am here. Amom and I always talked about her knowing she was adopted and that we would be reunited at some point if she wanted to. Amom was always there for me, we went beyond the usual relationship when I was pregnant, we were always together, we got REALLY close. Even after she was there for me, it was like a long distance mom daughter relationship.
The longer they wait to tell her the more damage that is done and the longer it will take for her to deal with it. I really believe them not telling her yet changes the outcome versus if she had always known, it changes everything because she will feel angry and betrayed. I know I don't have the right to tell her and 18 is not the best time. I wonder if she has wondered, she looks nothing like them, she kinda stands out like a sore thumb as she has her fathers dominant features
I also have always known. I can't believe her parents haven't told her. It amazes me that people can justify keeping a part of someone elses history from them. I'd definitely talk to the parents about your concerns. Point amom here if you need to and let a bunch of adoptees tell her. Chances are your daughter knows. She may not of had it confirmed for her, but she may have been putting things together. As far as when she turns 18, you have every right to do whatever you see fit. That doesn't mean I think you should use those rights. I tend to think that 18 is a bit young, but every reunion is different.
When I have time I will write more. But I found out on my own at 28 after being lied to about even being adopted and it felt like a total betrayal. My amom and I were never close but it destroyed the relationship we had. Her lie lead to more and more lies that had she been honest my whole childhood would have been entirely different. It is very sad that her aparents choose this route and I do think someday it will backfire. Parents that lie are doing it for their own selfishness even when they fool themselves into believing it is for the child. In a society like today where it is common for kids to have step parents and be raised by people other than bio parents it is ridiculous to believe you are protecting the child by lying about them being adopted.
My situation is very different so I can't really say how I would have been affected had my bio mother contacted me. I'm guessing there is a good chance if she doesn't already think she is adopted within the next few years her life will change to make her suspicious.
Good luck.
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