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I'm a step mother of a child under 12 years of age, whom I'm trying to adopt. I have been the only mother this child knows for half her life (3 years.) She has little to no memory of her biological mother, but she knows she left and didn't come back. The bio-mom left in early 2007, leaving the country taking her son with her (My step daughters *half* brother) to meet a man she had met on the internet. She had no contact with the child and did not pay child support. June 2008 my husband was grant full custody.
She was kicked out of Canada and then made it back into this state about May 2009, which is the closest date we can PROVE she was back and still did nothing. UNTILL....
August 2009 she was served with a court date for owing child support. 2 weeks later (September) she filed for modifying the parenting plan. (In response, clearly) But she continued to have more children! Every child from a different man. We have been to many court dates over her owing child support since but no date was ever set for the parenting plan. She has not attempted to contact her daughter and has only paid $40 monthly payments once in a while. The child has lived in the same home with the same address which she has all her little life, and the bio-mom has always known where the child has lived. The bio-mom owes 5k in arrears and there is Contempt court date scheduled for July 29th for child support againnnn. She will not sign consent for adoption, so it will be contested on the 9th.
This is not the first time the bio-mom has left the child and took off, just the longest. 3 years this little girl has been MY little girl. I did it all. In my HEART this is my daughter. And to her *I* am her REAL mommy.
Everything said here can and will be proven in court on the 9th but I would like some of your opinions on how it will go.
I feel that if the bio-mom was a man this would be cake if she was a man and crack the whip like they do all the bio-dads. If you imagine this story as this women being the bio-dad, I would have never gotten a negitive reaction. Because shes a women I feel that they make take it easier on her. It is OBVIOUS to me everyone completely frowns upon me trying to take rights from women who proves to not be a real mother. Too many cases of SAME events but with a bio-father's children being adopted by step-fathers, and very few of bio-mothers.
I haven't mention all the nut job things shes done, I've just stuck to the facts, just like it will be in court.
I have done loads of research to try to comfort and calm myself and odds are looking wonderful sometimes but terminating a bio-parents rights is a big deal. I have learned contested step-parent adoptions are 50% of the USA's adption cases so it's extremely common and easier then all other adoption cases.
Also, the state law for abandoment is seeing you child (or TRYING TO counts also) and SUPPORTING the child *with-in* your means for 6 months or longer. (3 years beats that all to hell) We are proving she is not supporting her with-in her means nor seen her or tried seeing her for 3 years.
Do you think adoption will be granted?
I did get a response on yahoo answers saying its NOT in the kids best interest for the mother to be stripped of her rights so I guess she should keep her rights incase one day she actually wants to see her daughter in the future? Leave her with abandoment issues again that I have to clean up AGAIN like I did the last time, with the help of psycologists? And when she leaves her again like the last 2 times? It is really her RIGHT to torment and distroy this wonderfull little girl so many times in her short life? If it is her RIGHT to do this, I hope to strip her of this right.
Please explain why she should NOT be stipped of her rights if you do indeed feel so, so I can understand your point of veiw.
This women has no clue who this child is and visa versa.
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Stepmommy,
So sorry things were rough at the hearing. I'm glad the boob job got brought up because it IS relevant. I'm sorry BM's attorney was so awful, but the judge is the most important person in the mix, and it sounds like he is very good!
As for your MIL, I really think your DH needs to think about how much more he wants to be involved with her. I know she's his mother, but she is obviously a little unstable, very malicious, and is not interested in your daughter's best interest!! She hasn't earned a seat at your table IMHO.
I feel sure the judge will see that it is in K's BEST INTEREST for you to be her forever mommy. I am in the process myself of adopting my DH's twin toddlers, so I can relate to some of the frustration you are feeling. We just want what's best for our children--love and stability.
I hope this week passes quickly for you!
Keep us posted!!
:o)
Beth
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Still no answer yet. I've been blowing everyone possible up - court house and our lawyer to see if anyones heard anything yet. I stopped calling yesterday, give it a rest, guess I'll know when someone else does... I definitely expected to hear something by today or hoped I would anyway -- still nothing that I'm aware of. :eek:
Hope to hear good news soon.
Thank for all your posts and thoughts.
It is really nice to have found others going threw things similiar to what I'm going threw to talk with and rant to.
I will keep you posted soon as I hear something.
I'll be checking in on you guys aswell.
Stepmommy, please post an update when you have one. My husband and I are about to start the same process, as I wish to adopt my stepson. I'm nervous as all 'you know what'. His Bmom has been out of the picture, no phone calls, no gifts, no visits, NO child support, for 8 years so I am hoping it will not be all that difficult to TPR, but you never know. One good thing is that my stepson is 14 and old enough for him to speak with judge. We are researching lawyers now so that next months we can start the process.
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Because she talked to K on the phone. Three years means nothing since she talked to her on the phone only AFTER my petition.
Leaving K twice with no contact means nothing.
Having absolutly no bond or knowing her Bmom means nothing. Having never attempting untill after the petition means nothing.
All she had to do was ASK my husband at any point, and never did and it means nothing.
Only paying child support only after being held in comtempt then making four $40 payments and one $60 means nothing just as long as she talked to her on the phone to fill her head with so much ****, I cannot adopt her.
A total of $220 for a total of 7 years doesn't mean a d***ed thing. Thats what she's paid in support in K's whole life. Not a single school picture dressing K up did she have anything to do with. Not a homework assignment. Not a single reportcard has she signed or been there to congradulate K for doing so well in school. A complete total of 4 1/2 years missed in a 7 year olds life - 3 of which are MINE.
Not a birthday card or a present in 4 bdays. Not a Xmas present in 3 xmases.
Swimming, reading, shoe tieing, math, spelling tests each week it was me. Spending everyday with K for 3 years. Spending breakfast lunch and making dinner together. Tucking K in.
I did it willingly, having no right or legal responsibilities to K and I did it with love.
and a few conversations on the phone only after me petitioning to adopt her is worth more.
Yes. It was denied because she has paid a total of $220 threw K's last 3 years with me and she talked to her after I filed -- behind mine and my husbands back.
My MIL was helping her with this.
When My MIL would have K AFTER WE FILED - she started calling K and noone told us. They made K keep it a secret. Made K feel guilty about so many things and made her keep it a secret.
The last month she had been talking to K on the phone when we already had a date set up for the TPR/Adoption.
She has been told all she had to do at any point in three years is to ask to see K.
She never asked or tried so noone HAD to keep her from seeing K.
Noone had to try to keep K from her, she didnt do a thing untill I filed to make K my own.
She didn't pay a **** thing untill she was held in contempt.
Which by the way the Bureau of Child Support Enforcement has made another **** court date which is a contempt order aswell for Tomrrow.
Tomorrow my husband will go in like he always does and they'll (Bureau of Child Support Enforcement) say she's paying and doing a good job like they have since after the first one. If she's doing such a dammed well job why keep making us go to court. For f**k sake.
Bureau of Child Support Enforcement started all this. Had they not brought us to court when she moved back she had never paid.
She is supposed to pay $200/month since June 3rd 2008 which was put in the custody order my husband got. He never asked for it. The lawyer (my husbands first lawyer which was for the custody hearing only) and the family court judge are fishing buddies and had a little discusion at the custody hearing and just threw the child support in for shhts and giggles.
She owes over $5k now.
We didnt want her **** money. We were a family of our own we didn't want a 3rd person to "pretend" to pay to stay out of trouble...
I straight up don't know how to handle the situation. We'll be expecting a court date soon to start visitations. Court tomorrow for child support which we cant make them stop bringing us to court over....
And the fact Ive gotten a taste of what it to be expected when K's bmom starts having K alone to talk to her.
That we kept K from her Bmom that we didn't give K her bday presents she mailed and that I'm not K's mom that she's not allowed to call me mom. That K's dad is a mean bad man and didn't let mommy see her hunny bunny. Filling her with confusion and trying to put hate in her. Hurting her emotionally.
I dont even know how to defend what she's already done on the phone to K... besides telling K we never kept Bmom from her and she can call me what ever she wants I love her anyway...
And explaining she can love everyone that *I* know her heart is big enough to love all of us. Even though she doesnt KNOW THIS WOMAN. All this woman is - is a title.
Though I never said that of course but thats how I feel.
I just dont know how to share MY little girl...
I dont want to share MY little girl with a stranger.
I dont want MY little girl to believe random shht this woman has said and will say later.
I dont want my little girl to be in the middle of drama.
I dont want MY little girl to not be MY little girl.
I have no clue how to handle this situation.
K wanted me to adopt her for what she understood it meant. I haven't told her I can't yet.
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. . . You have to know that K will ALWAYS see you as her mother and will one day understand all that you and her dad went through to make your family a Forever Family. That will mean more to her than anything you can imagine. The "BM" will lose interest (again) at some point, and you will be there for K (as always) to help her through it. Please make sure she understands her "BM" is sick ("sick" is a nicer word than the other one I thought just now.) K is a child, and no matter how much love you give her, she may be thinking there's something wrong with her since the "BM" flits in and out of her life like that pesky wart that keeps growing back from time to time.
My boys' BM thankfully has been out of the picture since they were removed from her custody via emergency order at 8 months old, but she has 2 other beautiful girls who she has hurt deeply by popping in and out of their lives for the past 6 years. It is so hard for kids to have a parent treat them as disposable.
I realy, really wish judges would take the emotional effects into consideration. It is despicable that just because she was able to give birth, K's "BM" has "rights."" What about K's rights to a nurturing, permanent home?
I wonder if the judge would have heard testimony from a child psychologist on the effects the BM has had and may have on K's life should she remain the "mother?" Maybe you can consider going that angle the next time "BM" decided there are more important things to life than children.
Gosh. I didn't know there were several women out there adopting stepchildren. It's good to know you're not alone.
(((Hugs)))
Beth
I do appreciate your post Psying. I do hope she doesn't turn on my by the cruel off the wall things Bmom will tell her. I wanted to get K evaluated by a psychologist, even ran the idea past the lawyer. He said it probably wouldn't hold any weight but we could if we wanted to. I spent 3 months calling around to every psychologist within 60 miles. None of them wanted to do it. Either they "didn't do that sort of thing" or they didn't "accept children under 10 years of age". She wasn't even appointed a GAL by the judge which I had my hopes up on. Nothing there besides me and my husband to stand up for K. In the "Order Denying Petition for Adoption" it states it doesn't matter who is the better mother - just that we didn't provide enough evidence that she has by law "Abandoned" her daughter. She only started paying because she was in comtempt. She still didn't come to visit or call or mail anything untill after she was served the petition. She wasn't going to untill she found out I was going to take her rights to K from her and called her up and then told K no to tell - and used it as a little "HAHA SURPRISE" in court. She didn't even ask K about herself, doesn't know a thing about K. She spent her time talking about herself and her new family to K and spending her time to tell K what bad people me and her father were.
This whole time she has been extremely insane and immature - she has a myspace account. For a year she has spent it to do nothing but say off the way things, in hopes I would look at it which of course I did - this woman is causing chaos in my life I'm curious to see what all it had to say.
Examples: "I bet he thinks about me when he's with you!" "You can't have your own and you can't have mine either!!" "You look like a 15 year old boy" "It's nice to know you're still inlove with me!!" "Don't you hate women who try acting and a raising your child as their own?! Learn your place STEPMOMMY" "Wait till I talk to Kylie! Then you'll have to hear about ME all the time" "If you weren't thinking about me you wouldn't be reading this!"
Random ignorant things when she should be bringing her a*s over to ask to see K. She makes it so obvious she doesn't want to KNOW K
I never fed into her trolling and continued doing all I had ever done on there. My profile veiws go threw the roof. When we went to court the first time for child support - that day and for weeks to follow: our mailbox was knocked off the wood post many many many times - eventually the post was torn out of the ground.
I just don't get how she can't want whats best for K and do the right thing. I wouldn't mind at all if she had shown any good intentions or showing she's changed and decided to grow up and be a real mommy. I so badly want her to disappear again!!
So much drama and I can't stand it. Some people are just so obsessed with being in drama... I have never been that way.
K will ultimately understand the true picture. Yes, the BM will confuse her for a bit and K may be angry with you, but this too shall pass. How long can the BM make up stories about how she was "kept" from K? I think one quick story about if someone tried to keep you from her & what you would do to keep seeing her will help drastically. If in fact you had kept the BM from K, you would have violated your State's family law statute re: visitation. Surely, a caring BM would have fought you on that.
Don't forget that the BM will lose interest, especially if your husband sets some boundaries with his mother.
My heart breaks for you, your husband, and K. If it weren't for my boys' birth grandmother, I know we would be fighting a similar battle. Once our stepparent adoption goes through, she will remain a grandparent to our boys, even though legally, she will not be related anymore. Our boys are very lucky to have so many people loving them.
If I were your judge, I'd be just sick over the decision I HAD to make by law. I think the law tries to take the child's best interest into account, but it is obvious that a parent's "rights" supercede what is best. How sad for our justice system and families.
Hang in there,
Beth
Is there any possibility that you could seek supervised visitation only? Given the emotional BS that bmom pulled on the phone with K, unsupervised visitation would be a disaster for this child.
In the mediation we had with our Bmom (which was only held in case, worst case senario, the court rules against us and grants visitation), she agreed that my K's therapist would decide when and if it would be okay for them to meet. If the therapist felt our K was ready to meet, they would do it in theraputic sessions.
After that, at a supervised visitation center where every visitation would involve a professional supervisor to make sure things were okay during the visits. The would intervene if Bmom were to talk about you and your husband, if promises were made to the child that could not be met, or if anything at all was said or done to the child that could harm them in any way.
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We'll be looking into that. We'll be going to our lawyers officer soon to discuss the game plan for the future court hearing over visitations. I'd love if it were supervised -- but that would only last a limited time? I believe Bmom may lose interest quicker if she can't fill K's head with nonsense.... but I don't know. She may "play by the rules" long enough to get K alone.
Bmom's husband is the guy she left the USA for - the stranger over the internet. We can't find out what it was but they were in trouble in Canada with CPS. Her husband has 2 children of his own he's legally "abandoning" by not paying child support and not having contact with his child... but that doesn't do a thing for our case.
They have neither worked in three years untill March 2010 she got a job to start paying child support.
I wish I could give you good news, but for some sad reason, judges still seem to think "moms" are best for kids.
The fact that said "moms" have been missing from the kids' real life for years seems to go unfounded.
This post is a year later than your last one, so I hope that you have found happiness with K and your DH in the meantime.
Good Luck, and Much Happiness!