Advertisements
Advertisements
So i am very open with telling people that i was adopted because i think it helps them to understand me better. Because i'm asian, a lot of people assume all sorts of things about my life that are totally untrue! And since i like people to have a clear image of me as a person, i let them know up-front that i am not asian in the "traditional" sense.
And reactions are usually mixed and almost ALWAYS some sort of pity! The questions that follow are "did you ever meet your birth mother?" or "so have you ever been to Vietnam?" Neither of which ever cross my mind unless these questions are asked, because i just don't care. (no offense meant toward anybody, this is just my personal story) And the questions are fine, but it's their expressions that bother me. They look concerned- their faces say "sorry to hear that" or "you poor thing" and so does their tone of voice.
SO i was wondering if any of you have similar experiences with sharing your story with people who just don't understand.
(some people who i talk to even insist that i should visit vietnam or find my birth parents [which i don't have the time or interest for] and when i was in elementary school and my teachers realized that i was an adopted child, they took me to the school counselor who proceeded to tell me that somewhere out there my "real" mom was looking for me and loved me very much and some day i would be with her and we would be happy together [which was completely out of line and could have really messed with my delicate 7-year-old psyche if i hadn't grown up knowing and loving my REAL PARENTS!]
Like
Share
asomatous
So i am very open with telling people that i was adopted because i think it helps them to understand me better. Because i'm asian, a lot of people assume all sorts of things about my life that are totally untrue! And since i like people to have a clear image of me as a person, i let them know up-front that i am not asian in the "traditional" sense.
And reactions are usually mixed and almost ALWAYS some sort of pity! The questions that follow are "did you ever meet your birth mother?" or "so have you ever been to Vietnam?" Neither of which ever cross my mind unless these questions are asked, because i just don't care. (no offense meant toward anybody, this is just my personal story) And the questions are fine, but it's their expressions that bother me. They look concerned- their faces say "sorry to hear that" or "you poor thing" and so does their tone of voice.
SO i was wondering if any of you have similar experiences with sharing your story with people who just don't understand.
(some people who i talk to even insist that i should visit vietnam or find my birth parents [which i don't have the time or interest for] and when i was in elementary school and my teachers realized that i was an adopted child, they took me to the school counselor who proceeded to tell me that somewhere out there my "real" mom was looking for me and loved me very much and some day i would be with her and we would be happy together [which was completely out of line and could have really messed with my delicate 7-year-old psyche if i hadn't grown up knowing and loving my REAL PARENTS!]
I totally relate. I hate the unsolicited, presumptuous advice crap. Often I feel like outright telling them, "your pity is not necessary or welcome", or telling them to just shut up and keep their unsolicited advice to themselves. Many transracial/intercountry adoptees (and their adoptive parents), including me, have encountered similar types of comments from virtual strangers - have a read of "The Colour of Difference: Writings in Transracial Adoption" published by Federation Press.
As a parallel, how many people from divorced families get such unsolicited and intrusive advice - eg. you poor thing, you should visit your father more often, your stepmother truly does love you, do you think your parents will get back together? Or upon telling others of their divorced family status end up having to hear the other person's monologue views and assumptions about divorce, what should be done, etc;
I really think that alot of the reaction is due to subconscious discomfort in our society with adoption. And so their comments are just their way of trying to grapple with their own discomfort and have little to do with you as a person.
I look forward to the day when a transracial adoptee comedian is able to run a comedy show about the societal contradictions regarding transracial/intercountry adoption.
Like
Share
Advertisements
:woohoo:
[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-d46j2Bueqc]YouTube - Comedian Amy Anderson Live @ The Ice House[/url]
Amy Anderson
I'm a comedy junkie
I love the transracial and adoptee humor
I think stereotypical and often shocking comedy is the best way to bust myths and change attitudes.
search for adoptee comedians
There are so many now !
Mike Anderson
Esther Ku (not sure if she is an adoptee?)
[url=http://minoritymilitant.blogspot.com/2008/07/response-to-esther-ku-and-asian.html]The Minority Militant: Response To Esther Ku And The Asian American Community[/url]
kevin shea
[url=http://english.yonhapnews.co.kr/Interview/2008/08/03/34/0901000000AEN20080803001800 315F.HTML]YONHAP NEWS[/url]
[url=http://journeytomeblog.blogspot.com/]JourneyToMe[/url]
i love funny
We should send some of them more material LOL
I'd love to see a funny bit about "real" !
Like
Share
BethVA62
:woohoo:
[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-d46j2Bueqc]YouTube - Comedian Amy Anderson Live @ The Ice House[/url]
Amy Anderson
I'm a comedy junkie
I love the transracial and adoptee humor
I think stereotypical and often shocking comedy is the best way to bust myths and change attitudes.
search for adoptee comedians
There are so many now !
Mike Anderson
Esther Ku (not sure if she is an adoptee?)
[url=http://minoritymilitant.blogspot.com/2008/07/response-to-esther-ku-and-asian.html]The Minority Militant: Response To Esther Ku And The Asian American Community[/url]
kevin shea
[url=http://english.yonhapnews.co.kr/Interview/2008/08/03/34/0901000000AEN20080803001800 315F.HTML]YONHAP NEWS[/url]
[url=http://journeytomeblog.blogspot.com/]JourneyToMe[/url]
i love funny
We should send some of them more material LOL
I'd love to see a funny bit about "real" !
Wow they're so awesome! How did you find them??? :clap:
Like
Share
ripples
I totally relate. I hate the unsolicited, presumptuous advice crap. Often I feel like outright telling them, "your pity is not necessary or welcome", or telling them to just shut up and keep their unsolicited advice to themselves. Many transracial/intercountry adoptees (and their adoptive parents), including me, have encountered similar types of comments from virtual strangers - have a read of "The Colour of Difference: Writings in Transracial Adoption" published by Federation Press.
As a parallel, how many people from divorced families get such unsolicited and intrusive advice - eg. you poor thing, you should visit your father more often, your stepmother truly does love you, do you think your parents will get back together? Or upon telling others of their divorced family status end up having to hear the other person's monologue views and assumptions about divorce, what should be done, etc;
I really think that alot of the reaction is due to subconscious discomfort in our society with adoption. And so their comments are just their way of trying to grapple with their own discomfort and have little to do with you as a person.
I look forward to the day when a transracial adoptee comedian is able to run a comedy show about the societal contradictions regarding transracial/intercountry adoption.
I totally agree that it's a discomfort stemming from society... but the experience of being subjected to society's assumptions and misunderstandings is personally hurtful :( a friend of mine said that the day he saw me (the day every student moved into the dorms of my college) he rembered me because he thought it was so wierd that i had white parents. Up until college i was never conscious of how other people would see me with my family, but sometimes now i pay very close attention to the way say, a waitress addresses us, or strangers will cut between me and my Mom when we are walking because they don't seem to realize that we are travelling as a unit.
I'm very interested in reading about others' experiences- are there online resources?
Like
Share
asomatous
I'm very interested in reading about others' experiences- are there online resources?
Have a read of the online resources section of [url=http://www.icasn.org]Inter-Country Adoptee Support Network[/url] (Intercountry Adoptee Support Network) - they also focus on transracial adoptees.
Like
Share
Advertisements
asomatous...I am a male adoptee and I understand your adoption feelings.
My story was very long and convoluted even when I was young. I never shared it, because it was never sufficient to mention just the adoption. Most people wanted to know more and more details and it was the details and the fact that I was adopted that were overwhelming.
Finally I shared it with 2 people. The first one was completely overwhelmed and couldn't deal with it. The second one became patronizing as tho I had some serious terminal disease, and finally just went away. As a result, I have only shared my story with people who have a reason to know. There cant be anything worse than sharing a story and discovering that the face is blank..."lites are on but, no one is home". Some how there's a feeling that you have shared an emotional experience for nothing.
I wish you the best.
Like
Share
ripples
Have a read of the online resources section of [url=http://www.icasn.org]Inter-Country Adoptee Support Network[/url] (Intercountry Adoptee Support Network) - they also focus on transracial adoptees.
Thanks for the link! This is a great resource :) i did a google search and found some articles on journal databases, but none i could read for free
Like
Share
Drywall
asomatous...I am a male adoptee and I understand your adoption feelings.
My story was very long and convoluted even when I was young. I never shared it, because it was never sufficient to mention just the adoption. Most people wanted to know more and more details and it was the details and the fact that I was adopted that were overwhelming.
Finally I shared it with 2 people. The first one was completely overwhelmed and couldn't deal with it. The second one became patronizing as tho I had some serious terminal disease, and finally just went away. As a result, I have only shared my story with people who have a reason to know. There cant be anything worse than sharing a story and discovering that the face is blank..."lites are on but, no one is home". Some how there's a feeling that you have shared an emotional experience for nothing.
I wish you the best.
Thanks :) It's really perplexing how some people react. I think that part of the problem is that nobody ever talks about adoption out in the open..so people have no reference point for which to know how to respond. I usually have no problem talking about adoption to people, but it's when they act like they understand my feelings better than me that i start to regret it
I wish you the best too! Hoping that in the future, people who you share your story with will treat it with respect.
Like
Share