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Hi there,
I'm new here ... and I'm not really sure why I am.
I'm 59 ... possibly one of the oldest forum members.
I had great adoptive parents and I've known about my being adopted for as long as I can remember. My parents never hid the fact and my older brother and I were both adopted. [My brother and I are not blood siblings.]
Ontario opened up the adoption records last year ... but I didn't send away for my information until very recently. I have never had a burning desire to "find" my biological parents. I always felt that, in my case, I was a product of the people who raised me and wasn't convinced that "finding" and/or "meeting" my biological family would add anything to my life.
When I was born and adopted, in 1951, great care was taken by the CAS to match ethnic background, hair colour, eye colour etc. I never felt like I didn't belong in my family or extended family.
The first of my documents to arrive was my "long" birth certificate ... which contained identifying information about my biological mother and included my birth name. When I opened the envelope and read the contents, I felt no affinity to my original name ... or for the information about my biological mother. In fact ... my first thought was ... "This was what the government hid from me for 59 years?" I was neither shocked nor excited.
My biological mother was 29 and a widow with 2 children when I was born. She was born in Ontario ... but gave her permanent address as Springhill, Nova Scotia. I was born in Ontario. I don't know if she was visiting relatives during the pregnancy ... or if her other children were aware that she was pregnant.
Years ago, my brother went in search of his biological family ... and I never really understood it. To my mind, he was searching for something ... some part of him that seemed "incomplete" ... and I felt at the time that what he was looking for, he wouldn't find by meeting his biological family. I truly felt and feel that what so many adoptees are hoping to "find" can be "found" only within themselves. As it turned out, his biological mother wanted no contact ... and he suffered some horrible feelings of rejection as a result.
I'm quite sure that there are things in my life that can be attributed to my having been adopted ... but for the most part, I think that the various trials and tribulations I endured during my life were the same things that all of my contemporaries did. I remember during high school, we all hated our parents ... and we were all determined to leave home as soon as we turned 18. Of course, this was just common teenaged angst and rebellion. I was the only one of my group who was adopted ... but we all railed against the restrictions put upon us by our parents.
I have now sent away for the non-identifying medical information ... which I'm assuming will outline the general details of my birth and adoption.
I still have no burning desire to make contact with my biological family ... and don't expect to when I receive the rest of the information.
I want whatever information exists because I am now a grandmother ... and I think it's important to have as much medical information as possible to flesh out my granddaughter's medical history. I didn't feel that way with my son's birth ... but I think that's because when he was born I was young and healthy, with the exception of being a migraine sufferer.
Now I'm Diabetic ... as well as a migraine sufferer ... and having whatever medical information might be available seems more important to me. I don't, however, expect that information to be any more useful than the information on my birth certificate.
So ... while I don't seem to fit into the general mold of the members here ... I guess I just wanted a place to read the experiences of other adoptees. Perhaps because I'm older [59] I have a different perspective on things ...
At any rate, thanks for reading this rambling post.
Mary
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MaryCanada,
I googled your bmother's names and saw your entry for genforums. I am assuming also that the other "Lucette Eddine" that comes up when you google is probably your great grandmother? Have you contacted the lady doing that particular search?
Like you, I had no real urge to contact my bmother. I always thought that if she had really wanted to, she would have contacted me. It was only when I googled her name one day out of boredom that I discovered she had died quite young, so it was mainly for medical reasons that I decided to contact her extended family, though I did want to get to know them as well if they were up for it (which luckily they were). Now that I know what she looked like and have heard stories about her, I actually feel a lot more emotional. Beforehand, I was pretty blase about it all.
In regards to family history, I find my amum's mother's family very interesting. Her gggggrandfather started a bank. A few years ago, some employer actually bankrupted the bank (it was actually a major story around the world at the time). With my bmother's family, both her parents are related in both their paternal and maternal lineages. With the help of BDM*, I discovered they were related to a convict and when I googled the convict's details, there was a site that had family history books for sale. I wrote away for them and they had the added benefit of having pictures in them (including a couple of my bmother, which I didn't expect). In regards to my amum's family, when I asked her about photos (as I also discovered she was 1/16 Maori and I wanted to see pictures of her grandfather again), she said she gave them all to her sister a few years as she didn't think we would be interested not being biological relatives! I was a bit hurt by that.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do re bfamily.
*With Australian/NZ BDM, you can just use first names in family history searches, so that does make life easier.
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Welcome, MaryCanada! You might find the book by Brodzinsky et al, "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" interesting. It looks at how adoption may or may not have personal significance throughout one's lifetime - from when one's a baby to when one's retired. The book is sort of like the baby boomer classic, "Passages", only with an adoptee angle. And finding out that one has a medical condition such as diabetes can be a significant time of reflection on one's origins and medical history. For me, I thought that my interest in my biological roots was just a mere curiousity since I'd always known I was adopted, I had a very strong sense of self, had been very connected with my cultural roots, believed that I was primarily a product of my upbringing, etc; It wasn't until I found stuff that I realized the significance of what I'd lost.
Hi Caths1964,
You're right about the posting at GenForum. I thought with the unusual given names, I would find something ... but I only found more mystery. *sigh*
According to my long birth certificate, my biological mother was born in Ontario ... but gave her permanent address as Springhill, Nova Scotia. I found that a bit odd ... unless, of course, like younger unwed mothers, she traveled to some in Ontario to give birth away from the prying eyes of a small mining town in Nova Scotia.
Since she signed my birth certificate as "Mrs ...." I am assuming that the surname she used was her married name.
However, the other Lucetta Eddine might indeed be a relative ... but I have no way of knowing that. I have come across people being named after non-relations before ... so I don't want to make that leap.
As for Ontario or Canadian BMDs, we too can search them using first names ... but the problem in Canada is that due to privacy laws, open access to Births is given only from 1869 to 1911. If my birth mother was 29 in 1951, she would have been born circa 1920-1922. So ... I'll have wait another 10 or 11 years for those years to become available.
I could search Canadian Marriage records ... but only up to 1926 ... and I figure she probably married around 1942.
As for deaths ... well ... I suspect that she remarried at some point. She was very young to be a widow ... without access to marriage records subsequent to 1951, I don't have much chance of finding what that new married name might be.
While the given names Lucetta Eddine are very rare ... the entries I have found have provided no insight for me.
Ripples: Thanks for your welcome. I will try to locate a copy of that book. It does sound interesting.
After my diagnosis of Diabetes, I was a bit curious ... but I don't think that Type II Diabetes was known about in 1951, and so I suspect there will be nothing in the non-identifying information will be a help there ... although there could be identifiers for the genetics involved in the disease. However, I am hoping most for information that I can pass along to my son ... just in case something else runs in our genetic makeup. Again, I'm not holding out a lot of hope ... but if there information is just THERE taking up space, there's no reason for me not to have it.
I confess a desire to understand something about what happened surrounding my birth ... to find out more "general information" about my biological parents.
It could be that I will want to make contact should I find any extended biological family one day. We'll have to wait and see.
Thanks
Mary
MaryCanada
I confess a desire to understand something about what happened surrounding my birth ... to find out more "general information" about my biological parents.
Wow, thank you for posting! I feel the same way that you do, and agree that the incompleteness is sometimes internal... Although i can see the logic in finding birthparents, it still seems strange to me that someone would think of strangers as being parents to them...just because there is shared DNA.
I'm worried that if any of my birth family tried to contact me, i'd just be a big dissapointment because i don't have any interest in contact, either. Sure, the medical info would be nice, but OTT i've had no desire to find out more.
So anyway, i really appreciate your input because finally it feels like i'm not a wierdo for feeling the way i do! :D
[i'm 20 btw, so i don't know if it's an age thing!]
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Hi asomatous,
Glad you found a kindred spirit in me. :)
I wouldn't worry about being a disappointment to your biological family should they ever seek you out ... you are who you are and I'll bet that you're just perfect the way you are.
You don't have to apologize to anyone for your lack of interest in making contact. From my perspective, I always put it down to my having had a good childhood ... and I always knew I was adopted. I also discovered that throughout my life, my peers who weren't adopted went through the same emotional challenges and phases as I did. As a result, I spent my life NOT equating what I was feeling to being adopted, but to being a pretty normal kid/teen. LOL
I could be wrong on that, but that's always been my take on things. :)
As I've discovered in the short time I've been scouring these forums, this is a pretty diverse group ... with lots of people having varying degrees of interest in making contact with biological relatives.
Mary
It was a long time ago, but I can't really say if the thought of searching had really ever crossed my mind before my diagnosis of retinitus pigmentosa. I had no idea I could. My APs had always told me if I wanted to search that they would help, but it was a bit like a foreign concept when I would hear them say that. It was almost like I couldn't comprehend what they were saying, so it came as a bit of a shock when the doctors suggested it, pulled the strings, and presto, I'm sitting at the adoption agency, with an agency worker, hearing her say, "Would you agree to contact if your Bmom agrees?" That was about 20 2 years ago. I had no idea of the issues surrounding adoption. No one ever told me there were issues, and for the next 16 years things popped up, and I just didn't know what they were. Oh, what I wouldn't give for the this forum 22 years ago. lol
It wasn't until 5 years ago when I finally contacted my Bfather that the volcano erupted. Sometimes I wonder if it's a "need" thing, if that makes sense. When you feel the need to grieve, that's when it hits you. I think sometimes people get the misconception that adoptees are supposed to spend their lives "grieving" etc in some tragic way. It's not like that. When you need to, you will, and if you never feel the need, you won't.
I think sometimes, when people hear the word "grief" and "loss" it triggers this image of a horrible thing. IMO, sometimes, just wondering, and curiosity is nothing more than a tiny type of grief for something lost, and not some huge traumatic, devastating, ordeal, or horrible, disloyal thing. It's just a normal human thing.
Just my 2 cents, and I'm wondering how many are rolling their eyes thinking, "oh, no. Here she goes again with the grief stuff." lol
Mary, I love family history too. I never had to research my Afam. Both sides Mom and Dad, kept such exact records. It was extremely important to all of them, and they weree all quite proud of there heritage, not to mention, loved telling family stories. They did have a tendency to leave the "not so pleasant" details out. I guess that is why, after reuniting with Bmom, I felt a very strong need to know "where, and what, I came from". I found a fabulous family legacy, and went farther and gathered all the stories I could, by trading information with a lot of very distant cousins I found online. We all had so much fun verifying the, uhm, not so true parts. No one in my Bmom's family, with the exception of my Grandmother, and a great uncle, cared about their history. Both are gone now. I'm so glad I did that research. Now, mee, the one they gave away, has all the answers to their past. The other day my Baunt asked me if she could see my "box o stuff". She remarked in such a sad tone, "I just never knew anything. I just never asked." I'm glad I have the information to share with her.
MaryCanada
You don't have to apologize to anyone for your lack of interest in making contact. From my perspective, I always put it down to my having had a good childhood ...
Ripples, as usual,, you are totally right :) We all have our different reasons for searching that usually have nothing to do with our APs. I think a lot of people are searching now because there is so much info now on the internet. If I hadn't found my bmother's name on the internet, I probably wouldn't have searched (because she died so young and no reason was given in her obituary, I did really want to know why). Even then I only felt mild disappointment and thought "oh well, she had a good reason for not ever making contact" LOL.
Btw, it is common not to feel that much emotionally while you are just searching and people are just "names" but don't be surprised if things change once you make contact or if anyone makes contact with you. You may even start caring about things that didn't bother you before.
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asomatous
Wow, thank you for posting! I feel the same way that you do, and agree that the incompleteness is sometimes internal... Although i can see the logic in finding birthparents, it still seems strange to me that someone would think of strangers as being parents to them...just because there is shared DNA.
I'm worried that if any of my birth family tried to contact me, i'd just be a big dissapointment because i don't have any interest in contact, either. Sure, the medical info would be nice, but OTT i've had no desire to find out more.
So anyway, i really appreciate your input because finally it feels like i'm not a wierdo for feeling the way i do! :D
[i'm 20 btw, so i don't know if it's an age thing!]
If a bmom can pop in here with my perspective -- I'm not sure if there's any right or wrong for wanting or not wanting contact with your bparents. You certainly don't owe them contact. There are bparents who have no desire for contact, others that want it desperately. The sad thing is that we aren't always matched well. One of you felt that it was up to the bmom to look for you. I felt I had no right to look, although I tried to make it possible for D to find me. He felt that it was my responsiblity to look for him. (Sigh!) I found him on the registry here when I registered and was empowered to contact him because he has registered, showing at least some interest. I have always been open to whatever relationship he wants. He has never called me Mom or mother and I don't expect him to. I think he has developed some connections with his birth relatives. When we first met he was far more interested in the family stories than his half siblings have been. One problem for birth mothers from the closed era, is that it is just as hard (if not harder) for us to find out info about the children we relinquished as it is for you to find us. Blessings to all of you. May you have what you need to be complete... whatever that is for you!
Kakuehl, until I started reading these forums, I always thought it was best that the looking was left to the bmothers. I didn't realise that many bmothers didn't feel that they had any right to look, so the forums have really helped open my eyes that way. I think also though in the 1980s when I first got my bc that the general impression given by the media was that most bmothers had probably got married and wouldn't appreciate having their lives disturbed and I suppose I didn't want to disturb her life if that was the case and that's why I felt it should be left up to the bmother. It wasn't that I felt it was her responsibility, I felt it should be her choice. Also, my abrother's bmom contacted him the second she could so I thought that was the normal way LOL. I'm glad that you are in reunion with your son and that things are working out for you.
kakuehl
One of you felt that it was up to the bmom to look for you. I felt I had no right to look, although I tried to make it possible for D to find me. He felt that it was my responsiblity to look for him.
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caths1964
Kakuehl, until I started reading these forums, I always thought it was best that the looking was left to the bmothers. I didn't realise that many bmothers didn't feel that they had any right to look, so the forums have really helped open my eyes that way. I think also though in the 1980s when I first got my bc that the general impression given by the media was that most bmothers had probably got married and wouldn't appreciate having their lives disturbed and I suppose I didn't want to disturb her life if that was the case and that's why I felt it should be left up to the bmother. It wasn't that I felt it was her responsibility, I felt it should be her choice. Also, my abrother's bmom contacted him the second she could so I thought that was the normal way LOL. I'm glad that you are in reunion with your son and that things are working out for you.
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