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We are in the process of committing to adopt a 13 year old girl named "A". We met almost 3 months ago, have had weekend visits and just finished up a 2 week stay while her foster mom was on vacation. We will be starting a 90 day pre-adoptive period within the next few weeks.
"A" displays some classic RAD symptoms of an avoidance child but for the most part is smart, engaging and well behaved. In the honeymoon beginning she treated me well but now has episodes of disrespect/non acceptance only towards me. She is bonding with my wife and my wive's mother.
"A" was removed by DCF at age 8 with her 18 month half sister and placed with a cousin and his new family. They assumed guardianship until age 11. She had become very defiant especially with the guardian mother. It was based on her ultra affection for the guardian dad. They feared that she would just end up a pregnant 13 yo and I think it was a battle of affection between mon and daughter. She was placed back with DCF at 11-1/2 and TPR at 12- 1/2.
Now she is with us but has expressed her undying love and affection for her guardian dad. She says he was "perfect". I can see in all her actions that she cannot accept my affection because it would mean denying the possibility of going back. She is aware but it must be an tremendous internal struggle. Especially because they still have her sister and are raising siblings of their own. She is stuck and I think she had a fantasy of him coming back. The guardian family has had minimal contact since then. We have talked and they gave me a lot of info.
How can we help her to attach to me?
I have pulled back a bit and tried just to make her comfortable around me. She has noticed and said something to my wife. She just had her birthday and I did spoil her a little hoping for some acceptance but it was totally forgotten by the next day. Her foster mom believes that she will just use people to get what she wants and may want to be with us just to be out of her home.
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This has to be tough......
It's not uncommon for a girl---especially at this age-- to be very close to her dad. Pyschologically, this is normal....to an extent. I'm glad you're seeing how difficult this must be when the guardian family has chosen to keep the younger sib. So not only is it tough for her to let go of a family she's known; but also the sister she's been raised with. She's getting a full punch...that's for sure!
Other than having an excellent therapist for ALL of you to talk with; I think you're probably doing the best thing.....being there without pushing it. Hopefully, she'll see this at some point and bond with you on some level. Your therapist may have some excellent suggestions too.
Good luck...and hang in there.
Sincerely,
Linny
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I see it similar to a divorce in which the mother splits with the dad and he has to leave. The mom is the ultimate bad guy !! "A" plays a video on the computer a lot called "Daddy's little Girl" and it describes the same. She must be grieving over this (which I think in some ways is a good thing that she has those feelings ). We have not been able to set up our therapy schedule yet but we are contacting 3 of her therapists to learn more about her session work. We also want to make sure that they are working on this issue also. I read the other posts that insist on parent/child sessions as being key
Our stories are extremely similar. Our daughter moved in with us a few months before her 13th birthday. All she did was talk about a previous foster dad (she had lived with them when she was 10-11 for a year) and how wonderful he was with her and how he wanted to adopt her.She was very untrusting of my husband. This was three years ago. I explained to my husband to give her time and not to come on too strong. She has slowly gotten close to my husband. He lets her do it on her own terms. It really just takes time. I know it must be hard for you, my husband had a hard time with it. Just being there for my daughter unconditionally I think has helped the most with their relationship.
chelspark1
Our stories are extremely similar. Our daughter moved in with us a few months before her 13th birthday. All she did was talk about a previous foster dad (she had lived with them when she was 10-11 for a year) and how wonderful he was with her and how he wanted to adopt her.She was very untrusting of my husband. This was three years ago. I explained to my husband to give her time and not to come on too strong. She has slowly gotten close to my husband. He lets her do it on her own terms. It really just takes time. I know it must be hard for you, my husband had a hard time with it. Just being there for my daughter unconditionally I think has helped the most with their relationship.
We have learned more this past week. I have talked to the guardian father and added more conversation with the current foster mom. The thinking is that "A" is love with guardian dad but more as a boyfriend than a dad. I am thinking that it became a "lovers" battle between guardian mom and "A". After removal "A" would call old dad often but would talk in adult/provocative ways not like a child. "A" would have minimal interest in her sister but only wanted to talk about dad. :eek:
This week "A" met with her case worker and the guardian dad issue came up. She was told he wasn't coming back and was asked if she understood (she answered yes). We have made an appt. with her current therapist and will get an assessment next week.
today i had a text/chat with "A" and asked for her just to like me and treat me with a little respect. She agreed and was somewhat forthcoming. maybe we can make some progress. :cool:
I think if "A" can treat us with some respect we may stand a good chance of improvement. :drive:
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