Am I Alone On This?

You're definitely not alone! And many people outside the adoption triangle just have no clue how major life events, such as birthdays, trigger thoughts and feelings about our birthfamily. Many researchers have acknowledged that many adoptees and birth parents think of one another on the adoptee's birthday. And all those comments about "You're adopted parents have given you everything. Why would you want to think about the woman that gave you up?" just plain show the speakers' ignorance. No - I don't think that adoptive parents, no matter how loving they are, can give adoptees everything. Just as super, loving, wonderful stepparents can't totally compensate for the loss of one's original parents through divorce, super duper adoptive parents can't compensate for the deep, profound loss of one's birth family, roots, etc; Have a read of the book, "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky et al - very well written and documented about adoptees' experiences of loss. In the meantime, may it offer some comfort in knowing that at least you're not alone in your feelings on your birthday. Sending you hugs in the meantime.

Birthmother chiming in here. I'm sorry you have to hear these insensitive and ignorant comments. I realize that most people aren't being deliberately rude, but nevertheless, those comments reflect a lack of real understanding. Most people simply take for granted their biological heritage, but if they were to really think about it, and imagine not knowing their biological family, being raised in a completely different family, not knowing their medical history, who they resemble, etc., they may be able to get at least a little understanding of how important that is. OTOH, there are those people who, no matter how they try to empathize with someone else's situation, simply cannot see beyond their own experiences. I feel offended by these kinds of comments, too, because I hate to think that my son has to deal with them, and also the idea of "that woman didn't WANT you, why should you have anything to do with her" really irks me. As a birth mother, I get tired of being seen as an abandoner or viewed in terms of rejecting my child. The truth is, I very much wanted my son, I was just not in a position to raise him and had no help from my own family to do so. Most birth mothers I know made this "decision" out of extreme crisis, but had viable options been available, they would have most likely parented their children. And even if they didn't, if they knew their limitations and made an adoption decision based on that, I don't see that as a bad thing. I'm sorry you are dealing with these comments. Sometimes it just gets so old trying to explain things, but lately I've been trying to let go of the need to explain. You just do what is right for you and heck with what other people think. They are not walking in your shoes and they are not living your life. ETA: Happy 21st birthday to you, by the way! That is a milestone birthday and I am not surprised some of these issues are coming to the surface for you. I know when my son turned 21, that year I also turned 40, so we both had milestone birthdays, and a LOT of emotions came to the surface for me, too.

I couldn't have said it any better than the other posters here, so I won't try, but I just wanted to give you a little more support and agree that you're not at all alone. Far from it. Like you, I was adopted into a great family who gave me everything they could. That didn't stop me from wanting to know where I came from and know something about people I'm genetically related to (other than my daughter). That's a part of me that my family knows nothing about, so I set out to find out. Luckily, my parents completely understand and support me fully. I hope the same is true for you. As for your friends, they clearly don't understand anything about what it's like to be adopted. I suggest trying to educate them, as other posters have said, if they're close enough to you that you want them to understand, and otherwise, just politely let them know that there are aspects to it that they don't get, and having a great family is not all there is.

Ahhh, sweety, like all the others have said : NO! Your not alone, we all wonder and want to know why and if anyone says otherwhise, well then cudos or your lying dude! It's normal you want to know, we all do. Who do I look like, why did you give me up, what's my heritage... If it's meant to be, you will find or be found but you should deffinetly look. I'm sure that your parents will understand, it might hurt a bit, but they will understand. Put yourself out ther on forums, do what you can do and just wait. Just don't let it dominate your life. Do what you have to do, then let go for a bit! Hang on! Be blessed! :woohoo:

No, you are so not alone on this one. I know how you feel right now since I'm in the exact boat that you are in. I'm also 21, curious, and confused. It's easy for others to judge when they're not standing in your shoes. I don't think it's fair of your friends to make you feel horrible because you are curious and thinking about your bmom. There is nothing wrong with that. Just know, you really not alone:flowergift:

As the others have stated, you are not alone in this. I was adopted at birth, I have an adopted brother who is five years older than me (no we are not biological), and an adoptive family that has had the same problems most families have. My brother and I view things totally different. He feels that, no matter her circumstances, she gave up her rights to know about him and he has no curiosity about where or why. My brother also has issues with depression, violent outburst, and has refused to have children. Me? I want to find her...there are so many questions I have that only she can answer! I was scared to ask my a/family questions, I was afraid I'd hurt them...but in reality, the not knowing anything was tearing me all up! I finally approached my a/family when I was 35 and they gave their blessing for me to search and offered any help that I might need. It has nothing to do with your feelings for them! Whether you had a great childhood with them or not...this is about you, and you alone! It is a journey only you can make. It will help you grow into who you were meant to be. The friends who don't understand, or family members who don't understand, it is up to you if you want to waste your time and energy explaining something they will never be able to understand! You will always find help and support with those like you! Best of luck!

Thank you so much. Hearing what you said coming from a birthmothers poing of view kind of gave me a sigh of relief. Since my post I have talked to my adoptive mother about me seeking out my biological mom... she is ALL for it. She thinks it will be good for me to meet the woman that gave me life. So wish me luck :)

Good luck and let us all know how you go :)

That's great! My Mom was supportive of my meeting my bmom and it's made a great difference.

I share your feelings, and I am 59 years old. I finally found some 2nd cousins; took me two months to get past/over "we don't know you". In my situation, I knew my bio mother as a child but it was obvious that I would never positively identify or meet my father. My adoptive father was not forthcoming emotionally so I grew up without a "Dad". All very complicated - and I joined this forum today because I'm still very confused about "who I really am". I've been told time and time again to forget about it, but it can't be done. Life goes on with the pluses and the minuses. Just work hard to take care of yourself; someone has to. Good luck!

another bmum here. Good on your mum!!! I ahve know my daughter for 13yrs now, we met when she was 18, and have an amzing relationship with her adoptive mum as well. Open hearts and open minds. No I didnt give my baby away...I was coerced into believing I would be selfish to keep her and that she deserved a better life with a mum and dad! good luck. susie

No you aren't alone, I think about my Bio mother all the time , I Just wonder and hope she thinks about me , I don't think people truly understand what we as being adopted feel.

Good luck in your search! My mom has always been supportive and understanding of my needs as an adoptee. Because of that, she has been very involved in my reunion. I definitely thought about my bioparents often, especially around my birthday. When I met my Dad (my biodad), I found out that he had bought me a birthday card every year and written me a note in them, then put them in a safety deposit box. Finding that out was one of the happiest moments of my life!

Sorry though remember the only thing in life is death and taxes that is the main reason for your other family members and friends can't understand for searching for something or envision that there life is so much easier then yours enless they have or can get away from death and taxes so if your going over and over and it seems ypour going around its ok cause the local section can go at the kichen table and the other sections go where they need to go like the sports and ticket or living section in the living in the living room, the general section in the bathroom with the phone book then the opinion section in the sleeping part of the apartment. Have fun watch alot of hospital shows and if you don't want to be a blundering idiot then don't put the work section of the paper with the phone book in the kitchen.

You're not alone! I too think about my birthparents, where they are and why they gave me up.:confused: