2 moms question

I call her the "other mom". I say "other mom" or "your mom" to DD. She knows who I mean and doesn't get confused I have soo many alarm bells go up when you say "She signed the right to be called mom when she signed the adoption papers." Your anger comes through. Regardless of what you think of her as a person, without her, your kids wouldn't be here. They share a genetic connection.

What is an adoption?

An adoption give a child two mothers and in your case still only one father. A marriage made you a step mother. Adoption removed the word step from your title. I have a mother and a father and a mom and a dad. I have two of each because a legal process decreed it was so. Children are not that easily confused. Millions of us have been there done that and totally got it. Dickons

But I'm confused as to how she walked out on your DD twice. You first said that she claimed she was done and walked out on your DD. Then you said that YOU are the one who cut contact.

I think that it is sad that DH will NOT even speak to biomom. I think that family counseling is something that will benefit you all. I grew up in the middle of a hateful divorce. My parents 38 years later still can not speak to each other. Your DH needs to be the adult and get some help so that he can communicate better with biomom for the sake of the child. All this anger is not good for her. I realize that you can not change the biomom's actions, but you can change how you react to her and help your family let go of the anger. The child is the one who suffers believe me I know. If you think it is stressful for you and your DH, just image how it feels to a 7 year old. I don't have to imagine. It is NOT fun.

Bethany - Biomom left dd and dh when dd was 6 months old. She walked away from them both at the time. I have been told that biomom stayed out of dd's life until she turned 1 which was the same time dh and I started dating. I don't know what happened before I was there, I don't want to seem like I'm bashing because I'm not this is what I was told by dh and my in-laws who were there. dh and biomom seprated because biomom wouldn't stop cheating on dh with other people. *biomom has told me this in the past in one of your conversations on top of dh and his family say the same*

Their divorce from what I have been told was not horrible they agreed on everything in the lawyers office together with dh's lawyer. There was no agrueing or hateful words exchanged at time of exchanging dd, it was at the other parents house not in mcd's parking lot with someone other than a bparent. It was very civil, they were not friends nor did they act like friends. there wasn't a tug of war with dd, if biomom wanted more time she asked, if dh needed someone to watch dd outside of daycare biomom was asked, if dh had something specail on biomom's weekend they whiched weekends. If biomom missed any of her "time" it was made up asap... again there was no arguing about, the headache about it was that alot of things were last mintue. We always tried seeing family that was out of town so this made it hard or if we had something specail that day for dd and that was the only day biomom could have dd our plains got canceled. Now I could be wrong but their actions were not horrible. The marriage might of been horrible and there might of been aruging than but I was not there and don't know.

so, what happened? thats not the current reality you describe if he won't interact with her As someone who also grew up in the middle of a horrific divorce, I can attest. its not just what happens during the separation, but how the parents interact for the child's entire life that has an impact

What happened. Biomom signed her rights away. To him she is not biomom 'mom'; that she gave up that right when she signed the adoption papers, she gave up the right to know about dd when she signed the adoption papers. He is done talking to her and nothing to say to her. He dose not talk about her unless I bring something up. PLEASE not bash me for my husbands thoughts, they are his and I respect them just as he respects mine of 'the what's happening right now dosen't feel right'. Yes I know he would benfit from consuling and I understand that since biodad and biomom can't get along than this effects the daughter, but they have not yelled and bashed each other in front of daughter. (Well I know dh hasn't; I'm assuming biomom didn't) Which is better to say than some divorces, it was what it was, maybe not the best of things, but it wasn't the worst of things either. If everyone got along in the world there wouldn't be divorces or adoptions or killings... but it's not 100% perfect. *hmm that seemed to hit a nerve, that I didnt know was there LOL sorry about the extra emotions*

There doesn't have to be obvious yelling and fighting in order for a child to feel the tension. Also the feelings of guilt for caring about a parent. Your DD is still going to have feelings for her biomom whatever those are..... and they may change with time. I understand the fact that she signed over her rights--as much as your DH may say she is no longer "mom" he can not erase the fact that she is biomom. Just trying to cut her out may not work out in his favor in the long run.

maybe that's why he is behind me trying not to cut her out of dd life 100% I know dd will have feelings for biomom whatever they are. I will never understand those feels cause I was not a child of divorce or adoption. I have always told dd that it's ok to miss biomom and it's ok to love her, I will never tell her differently. I want dd to see biomom through dds eyes not mine or dh's or anyone else's!

there's no bashing, nor intent to bash. I'm telling you what this feels like from a child's perspective. I'm hoping you avoid the backlash my parents felt when i became an adult and realized not all kids have to feel this miserable growing up. there's judgement in every description you write about the BM. That judgement is going effect your child and in the long run, effect your relationship with them. please get some help

Instead of thinking that what you are going through is wrong .. think about how all of this is affecting this innocent child. Think about what is best for this little one. Love her, be a mom to her, give her all the love you can to help her with the insecurities she is bound to have going through all this. I guarantee that she is feeling everything you are feeling no matter how you think you are keeping her from the pain.. I can guarantee she is feeling all of it. Kids are so in tune and as adults we don't always see this. It is quite amazing to me how much kids see and hear and feel when we don't even know it. They also have a tendancy to misinterpret many of the things we as adults say to them although it is always with wanting to protect them. An example.. I am a childrens ministry leader. We had a family who's mom passed away when the kids were just 6, 8, 13 and 14. Many of thought they were doing well and that we had given them the love and tools they needed to deal with their loss. Until one Sunday when the 6 year old came to our ministry and asked "Can I pray today?" Of course, I never turn a child down from wanting to pray. His prayer went like this.. God, Daddy said that you took Mommy home to your home so that she could get better. Can you send her Home soon. I miss her... Now.. Dad said this thinking he was explaining this to his son in a way a 6 year old could comprehend. Little did he know the message would not come across as planned. All I am saying is that it is time to let go of your anger toward this bmom. There is nothing you can do about it. You cannot force her to do what you want. You need to focus on this little girl and help her to deal with her feelings. Get in touch with support groups in your area. Get counciling. Talk to a pastor in your area. There are support groups out there who can help. Praying for all of you.

I have been in your situation. That child is now grown. The other day he sent me a family request on Facebook to list me as his mother. I cringed because his mom's family are my friends on there and I know they won't like it, never have. But what matters to me is how he feels. It always has. His relationship with his mom is his and I have encouraged all visits, even when I was so angry I couldn't see straight. In the end, he has made his own judgements. No matter what she has signed or what has happened, the woman is one of your child's mothers.

You know the saying anyone can be a father but it takes a real man to be a dad? It is the same with mothers. I had to learn a hard lesson that I am trying to teach my children early on to save them some pain. You can love someone but not like them. Our kids will always have a love for their bio parents and that is how it should be, at least the bio mom did not have an abortion so I am grateful to them, but our children do not have to like them or the choices they make. It is not about you, it is about an inbred loyalty to our parents that we all have. That being said, two of my kids see their bio moms, and the way I have always maintained seperation between 2 moms is say bio moms name is cathy then bio mom is momma cathy and I am Mommy. Just saves on confusion. Angela