North of 49

Well I am not sure where to start so I guess I will just start blabbering and see where it goes from there. I was adopted at 3 months. I have two older brothers that were adopted as well. We always knew that we were adopted, my parents never kept that from us. I appreciate the fact that they told us and did not hide that from us. They showed us our adoption papers and for each of us they had info from the Children's aid on our biological parents. Their physical characteristics, family background, school level and circumstance for why we were placed for adoption. It helped but it wasn't enough for me later in life. In my 20's I decided to do a search through the birth registry here and filled out all of the paperwork. I moved and moved again and again and never updated my contact info with the registry. It took 2 years for your name to come up for a search to be done. Fast forward to having my first (and only) born in 2001 and my brother and I had a conversation regarding our birth parents and finding her (or them). He had found his through the same process and I jumped back in with both feet and sent off a new request. Since I had previously applied I did not have the 2 year wait the 2nd time. Fast forward a few weeks later I received a phone call at work from the worker who had been handling my case. They had found her. From there we exchanged letters and pictures through the worker and finally we got to the point where we removed the worker and released her from our relationship. We were moving forward on our own. We met for the first time on the May long weekend in 2002. I was nervous, excited, doubtfull, anxious, happy and full of questions.I came armed with photos (I left them in the car initially) When she walked into the restaurant I knewit was her. There was not a doubt. We looked a lot alike. We hugged and sat down and shared stories. There were no tears and it was kind of like going on a blind date. We felt each other out and I shared the pictures of my past and my present. She was smitten by the pictures of my son..her first grandchild. She told me about the day she told her mom that she was pregnant and what decisions were made. It was heartwarming to hear that every year on my Birthday she celebrated with me silently. She had thought about searching for me but never did work up that courage to do so. We met on and off here and there over the next couple of years. The following year for my birthday we got together for dinner and she gave me a lovely gold necklace. I thought we were on the road to building a relationship...I thought. I met one of my Aunts over Christmas time 3 years ago while she was up visiting from the states. She was thrilled to meet me and my son. I talk to her more then I talk to my mother these days. My birthfather never was told about the pregnancy so as far as I know he does not know that I was ever born although I think if he was to reflect back he may have a bit of a clue. They had broken up before she had realized that she was pregnant. She felt the need not to tell him. I still wonder about him and have tried to find him but have had no luck so far. So here I sit years later with no real relationship with her or her family. I have not met my two half siblings or her husband. I have not met the other Uncles in the family. My grandfather died and I got the news via e-mail. He was an impressive man and a well respected one in the community. I wish I had got then chance to met him. I grew up getting why she didn't fight for me. It made sense with the time and what happened to most girls that found themselves in her position. I get it. No blame laid on her for that at all. However today I find that I am now angry with her at times. I feel like more of a secret today then I did growing up. I try to take it at face value. I mean I did meet her so I have the closure of knowing of where I came from and who I look like fron here side of the family but..... Her husband was less then thrilled about us meeting. The half sibilings don't now about me as far as I know. They are now in their 20's so they are more then capable of hearing the story and understanding. Would they accept me? I have no clue as I and they have yet to find out. So I continue on with life because that's what we have to do. The wondering however doesn't and hasn't stopped and the emotions when reflecting back on her are different then they were before. I am healthy and I have my own munchkin to focus on and for that I am gratefull. I have a great family and love them to pieces. They are my family through and through. My one brother knows of my find but my parents do not. I have never told them. One day I might but for now I have not. Well enough blabbering for the moment. That's the basics of my story. There is way more to tell but I can't quite get my fingers to make the words flow...or maybe the emotions come across as I want them to.