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I've taken a beating in adoption forums that are not related to RAD and foster care, so I'm putting this here, but if there's a better suited forum, please let me know.
Long story short...my daughter is now 14. Neither she nor her brother have followed simple rules since they moved in with us 4 years ago.
Everyone dismissed it on, and told us to dismiss it on (we had no kids prior to our adoption) kids being absent minded and forgetful.
For years, I've felt that my daughter, especially, only says she loves me when I have money to possibly spend on her, or she wants something, or needs to get something.
Again, dismissed on "she's just a kid, all kids do that".
Well, fast forward to the last year, I've caught her up in lies and manipulations and then the week before last, she just blew up...like she went absolutely crazy.
Now, she "swears she doesn't like me", she is counting down the days until she's 18 and can get out of this "hell hole", and she never told me this because "she was afraid of me", and how she has nothing to lose so she does not care about making our family life miserable, and how her brother agrees with her on this (even though he told her, if you want to leave, leave, but I'm staying, I have a family).
I took her in to intake at a mental facility last week, they want to try some outpatient on her to see if she's RAD or if she's starting to process her feelings about the past, or if it's a simple personality clash between her and I or all of the above.
I'm just tired of her obviously not liking herself and trying to lash out at all of us (tonight she insisted that my husband called her a *****, and I was right there and he did NOT call her a *****) and I told her that even though her attitude was *****y, he did NOT call her that, and that I was tired of her lies and she needed to go to bed before I knocked her teeth out.
I have only had a physical altercation with her 3 times in 4 years, each time when she got physical with me first, each time in take downs and holds to get her off of me and diffuse her behavior.
I'm at my wits end, but don't know what else to do.
I don't give a **** if she ever loves me, I just want her to love herself (she swears she does, but you know she doesn't, if you know what I mean).
There is one type of RAD I looked up after they mentioned RAD that fits her almost to a tee...but she changed over night and I didn't know if anyone else ever experienced that.
I've also demanded a drug test, just in case, though we are very into the anti-drug, abstinence on sex/safe sex talks with the kids, a LOT.
***EDITED TO ADD...this is ALL directed at me...she loves her dad and brother but wishes I would divorce dad so they could have a happy ever after. LOL***
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How long will the outtake take to diagnose her? Start reading up on RAD. Bookss like 'Parenting the Hurt Child'. I think there is one out for teens too. It will give you parenting techniques to use and help you understand why she does what she does. They feed off you reacting to them. That is the Reactive part of the Reactive attachment disorder. Start practicing your poker face.
I have a feeling you 'took a beating' pn the other forums b/c of the comments about physical altercations and the threat of 'punching her teeth in'. It is hard to not react to what my RAD child says to me and she is only 6, however I can't condone those types of comments.
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Sounds like you are on the right track. Follow through with the psyc consult and the drug test is an absolute must. Sudden changes in behavior in teens often means some type of substance abuse. The fact that this is all directed at you does not surprise me one bit.
I would recommend you seeing a counselor by yourself as well. You need someone to help you through this just as much as she does.
Are you attached to her? It doesn't sound like it. Attachment is a two way street. If she isn't attached to you then your attachment to her won't last. If you aren't attached to her then she definitely has some kind of attachment difficulty. Those come in many shapes and sizes. Do you know her early history? True RAD comes from infancy. But kids in foster care who have had to move too much often develop attachment resistance even if they still have an underlying ability to attach. The fact that her problems are directed at you likely means she holds a lot of anger towards her birth mom. Adolescence is normally a stormy time, and if you throw the lack of attachment and a lot of unresolved loss and trauma on top of it, ouch!
One more comment...
She can't really love herself until she knows who she really is. She can't know at least until she works through the trauma in her past. She probably needs a therapist for that, and at 14, she won't succeed in therapy unless she wants it.
akcskye
I just want her to love herself (she swears she does, but you know she doesn't, if you know what I mean).
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I've not posted what I posted here to other threads...but I've come to the boards for help many a time over 4 years, only to get my head bit off and the finger pointed at me.
I have done nothing but love my children, and it irritates me to no end to hear anyone imply that I don't...you know?
Her first appointment is on Friday, and she's all happy because she gets out of school early. I really wish we could have an after school appointment, but those are first come, first serve, so I'm not sure how well the therapy will actually go being she'll probably just use it to get out of school once a week.
SIGH...It just seems like there's no end to this.
This all sounds SOOO familiar!
S came to me a year and a half ago. We had 11 months of what I now think of as our "honeymoon" period-- he NEVER argued, NEVER talked back, not a single tantrum, did his homework, played video games, was fun to be around.
And he flipped like a switch last January-- the meltdowns and tantrums and outright defiance began and have continually intensified to the point where he is frequently violent, and this week I have had him in seated wraps until he can calm down. (I am SCIP trained from years of working with adults with developmental disabilities-- so I *can* restrain him safely, but I hate to do so.)
He also is delightful to others. His teachers think he is a great kid but they wish he would turn his homework in-- they don't quite believe me when I say he can't do his homework because he spends the 4 hours between when I pick him up and bedtime continually raging most nights.
My advice is to TALK to the therapists. Document EVERYTHING. Try not to lose your temper -But I do not judge you for losing it, I have been there more times than I would care to admit. I have lined up a large group of supportive, strong adult friends, and when I am getting near the end of my rope I make sure I am not alone in the house with him. There have been a couple of occasions where I felt completely out of control, and like I might actually injure him-- and on those occasions I left the house. He calms down almost immediately when I do. It is not therapeutic, it means he won, but it is better than resorting to violence.
And then I get up the next morning and try again.
Keep calling the therapists until you get the support you think you need. Be the squeaky wheel. Get help for you too. We currently have both in-home and out of home counseling services, with an hour a week of in home caregiver therapy just for me. It is all covered by medicaid under a waiver program for kids who are at risk of out of home placement.
good luck and *hugs*
It doesn't sound to me like she changed over night. It sounds to me like she has attachment disorder. You said that she never could follow rules and she only "loves" you when you have money to spend on her. I would look into attachment therapy. Be sure its true attachment therapy. (and if it is, she WON'T be glad to get out of school for it - its hard hard work). My daughter will be 14 a month, so I know how it feels. Her age has made some of her RAD behaviors worse, but they were always there.I will never imply that you don't love your kids. It is exptremely difficult to love a child that spews venom and lies at you all the time. Hugs to you.