Have 6 yr bio dgtr. scared to "ruin"her by adopting

When I was first considering adoption (many years ago!) I gave God a checklist.I wanted a girl who was healthy and smart. If she was beautiful, that was okay, but I was not asking for beauty.God sent me a girl. She is beautiful. Until she was four, we believed she was healthy, but then issues appeared. There were several hospitalizations and many doctor visits and literally gallons of medicine. She was not completely healthy until a final operation in her 20's.She was also ADD. She was not class valedictorian like I was. She did not win any scholarships. She worked hard and graduated HS and college, but she will never go to medical school. She is smart enough to run her own retail business however.She is also two things I never thought to ask for: a loving and devoted daughter and a loving and devoted mother to my granddaughter -- who is a perfect, beautiful, healthy and smart little girl.Whatever choice you make, and however detailed your list, you are in for some surprises. That's life!

Thanks for taking my reply in the spirit it was intended. :love:

It's understandable that you would worry about your daughter. Any good parent would. My thought as I read your post was that your dd has had over 6 years of loving, teaching and guidance. A child coming into your home dropping the F bomb a few times while they adjust to your rules is not going to turn her into Britney Spears. While I understand wanting to preserve a little girl's innocence as long as possible, I truely believe that having foster siblings could be the greatest thing that has ever happened to your child. It will give her a deep caring and concern for others and show her what unconditional love really is. Sometimes love means sacrificing some things. Pretty great life lesson if you ask me! Have you listened to fosterpodcast.com??? I highly recommend it. Search for the episode "Finding the right child for you." Oh and my kids (adopted through foster care) are the most innocent, well mannered kids in town! They have not a clue what F means or any other curse word for that matter. In fact, all 7 of my FK's have been pretty perfect in my book. Hurting, yes. Delinquents, heck no. Although our FD that came at 2 1/2 had my entire home day care saying "Little F---er" for about the first month:eyebrows: We laugh about it now.;)

I think that you aren't giving your daughter enough credit.....I think that your daughter will be a wonderful influence on any children that come into your home, especially if they are younger. You have taken the time to raise your daughter to be a smart, thoughtful, caring and respectful child and if she has a strong personality, which I am going to assume she does, then she won't be swayed by some of the undesirable behaviors that some foster children may exhibit. If anything, they will respect her and want to be like her. It's probably best that you foster/adopt children younger than your daughter and that way she will be less likely to be influenced.

All of my placements have been under 4 yrs old. The one 4 yr old I had was a doozy. The language was terrible, racist, cursing, etc, but not at home, only at day care! The biggest issue with the others has been tantrums, crying, hitting, etc. The usual kind of stuff you get with kids who have never had real discipline or structure. My experience has also been that most of the worst stuff subsides within 6 months. I was concerned about how it would affect my 10 yr old when we started fostering, but I established a routine that allowed me to provide her with one on one time every week without any other kids. We continue to do things together even though we have adopted one child now( she was 18 months old and is now 3 yrs old). I didn't want my DD to ever think that she was being put aside. Your DD is old enough to begin to understand the types of situations foster children come from that makes them be "different" from her in terms of behavior and how you as a parent will have to discipline them. I do things completely different with my foster kids than I ever had to with my own bio DD. I am very strict, routine oriented now, when I wasn't with DD. We have limits on what types of children we will take also. I know what I can deal with and what I can't and my agency supports me with the types of children they call me about. It's good to consider the possible ramifications of being a foster family and preparing for that.

I have to admit, your post worries me. I am not slamming you, not at all. But it sounds like you see your daughter as perfect, and are worried that a foster child might "taint" her. It would be really, really hard for a foster child to come in and have a foster sibling who is "perfect," while the foster child is seen as somehow innately flawed.It's hard on a kid, too, to be a charity case. I totally and completely appreciate your generous urge to help a child. But you have to be very careful not to place the burden of gratitude on a child. It's a lot to carry, having to be thankful all the time.Personally, I think cursing is a pretty minor problem. But the truth is, most kids in foster care have had a rough time. Many have been exposed to things that no person should see, much less a child. So all in all---I have to agree with RavenSong. You might be a better fit for a private domestic infant adoption. Foster parenting isn't for every family, and it just might not be the right fit for yours.

Thank you all for your input. I truly appreciate it. I am not offended in the least by any of your comments. I wanted honesty. I would like to clarify, although I do think my daughter is "perfect", she isn't of course. She is a typical smart, happy, beautiful 6 yr old that throws fits and argues, won't clean up..etc etc...and drives me crazy sometimes. But I Love her dearly, as we all do our children. I have to be honest. I think I was using her as an excuse to not adopt thru foster care. I think I wanted someone to say, NO don't do it !! It would make my decision easy if I thought it would harm my daughter. But truth is, I am scared "I" couldn't handle it. I know I could love any child unconditionally, but I am soooo scared of the unknown. I am afraid I would not have enough patience to parent a child in the way they need. I am quite the type A, very anal, organized and a bit of a control freak. So I'm thinking, not such a good idea for someone like me to adopt from foster care.lol Anyways, I have decided to just wait. I am not going forward with it right now. Problem is I am heartbroken, because I believe we could give a child a wonderful home. We have 2 empty bedrooms, I am stay at home mom, we have a wonderful cirlce of support. It's just me that's the problem. I can't stop thinking about these kids now. I can't fall asleep some nights. I lay there trying to figure out how I can do this. So that is what makes me decide to not do it. If I stress this bad just thinking about it, how would I be if I actually did it. Sadly, I guess it's just not for me. Thank you all for your support. You helped me more than you know. Now just pray for my sadness to go away !!

Maybe adopting from foster care isn't for you but you can still find a way to help a child since you seem to have a great heart towards them. Many children in the system need mentors, GALS, respite care providers and the like. Maybe those are areas you can explore.:)

crick beat me to the punch :D volunteering as a GAL, providing respite care, or reaching out to your local FAPA (google "foster adoptive parent association") for volunteer positions will enable you to meet these kids and get a better sense of what you'd be in for As for the concerns freezing you.. you've hit on the exact problem with adopting over birthing. When you choose to birth a child - even if you have fears, you are only commiting to one step.. whether thats unprotected sex, hormones, or an in-vitro. Fears can be pushed back to "its too early to worry" or "we'll deal with it when we get there" or" we'll leave it in god's hands"/"we'll see what happens" When faced with a case study of a specific child and being told its your call whether you bring them into your home.. well, that's a responsibility staring you in the face. You can intellectualize whether the decision is good or bad until the cows come home. there's no leaving it in god's hands/"we'll see what happens." YOU must make the call to get involved. That can be very intimidating. I know.. It took us 20 years to make the leap Ultimately, any kid - whether its from your womb, an infant adoption, or foster kid - can have medical/mental issues. If you are looking for child and not a sibling for your DD (I might have missed that part)... I would start talking to your local FAPA members. They should provide opportunities for you to meet local people who adopted form foster care and/or who foster for your state As for these boards, keep in mind, this is not the average cross section of foster care experiences

You might consider volunteering as a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA). You'd be helping so many children who despererately need help within the foster-care system. The link to the national website is: [url=http://www.casaforchildren.org]National CASA - Court Appointed Special Advocate Association - CASA for Children: Advocating for Abused and Neglected Children[/url]. There's a search engine on the homepage that will direct you to your local CASA chapter.

Please, don't feel guilty at all about your decision! Fostering is so hard, and it's just not for everybody. If you have any qualms at all, then you shouldn't do it. I think fostering is particularly hard on those of us that are Type A, who like to have things under control. In foster care, NOTHING is under control.You might just tell yourself that you're not saying no forever, just no for right now. Maybe right now just isn't the right time for you. When your daughter is older, maybe you'll be interested again, and you'll feel differently. Who knows? And, as everyone else is saying, there are a hundred other ways to serve kids. :-)I think you've made a good, honest decision. I admire you for it.

I'm not saying all the children that we have adopted haven't had some problems. My husband and I are in the process of adopting our 7th foster child. I WILL say that they are all good children and I love them all dearly. The 7 children that we still have at home range from age 2 to age 8. Four of these children are adopted, we have a 2 year old that we are waiting on the State to return paperwork to finalize and two are foster children. Yes adopting another child would disrupt your little girls life a bit but so would having a baby. It wouldn't be any different, she would love her new sibbling. Bio Children can learn so much from parents taking foster children. They learn that not everyone is as lucky as they have been. They learn to love adopted Siblings as much as bio sibs. They learn to help, they learn understanding. I love all 12 of my children the same Bio and adopted and they all love each other. Good Luck to You!:cheer:

Not sure if you are still coming to the site but I wanted to reply. We could have written this post about our family and our 6yo DD. We have had our first placement for about 6 weeks and it has been a great experience for our DD. Hard to...going from being an only to having a sib (and maybe adding another one soon) is tough no matter where the sib comes from. Our #1 "deal breaker" requirement is that any child not present any threat to our DD. This rules out A LOT of potential matches and we've been waiting a long time...since DD was 3. There are no guarantees in life but you do have a lot of control over the placements you take. In the end we feel it's been really worth it and our DD (who like yours is hightly intelligent) has absolutely no problem with the idea of FD possibly going home..."OF COURSE she would want to be with her mom and dad!" Rambling response, but just sayin' it can work. Don't let fear keep you from it.

We just got our first FC in June. We expected far worse behaviors than we have seen. The bad stuff: cussed a few times, slapped a couple kids, broke a pen, spilled juice, and called me a "dumba**" once. Nothing major. Now for the good: He is loving, kind, helpful, and a great kid. To be told "I love you" by someone else's child really means a lot to me. It has been such a wonderful experience to have him! We are a family that is foster and foster to adopt. Don't know if that helps, but good luck!

I think your concerns are valid, and good things to take into account - and be on the lookout for and have a plan if any of them come up. I also think it is very likely that you will never experience any of these things. I have had foster kiddos who were right up there with your daughter on the "absolutely perfect" scale ;) as well as some who have had hidden issues that come out. I do believe that as long as you are educated and prepared, you can curb most of those issues early (especially with your age range). I think if it is something you feel drawn to or led to, respite would be a good route. You can help out other foster parents while also having those current foster parents as great resources to tell you what is going on in the child's life, what kind of behaviors they are experiencing or not, and how they deal with them. You can see how your daughter is affected in short term weekend or week long "babysitting" type situations. See how you feel with your house being "invaded" by others (this is not a negative comment, I am a FP and do regular respite, and there is no doubt that extra kiddos are an "invasion" ... I don't call it a bad thing, just takes us out of our "normal") and if you think that it will be a good fit for your family. You also learn the questions to ask, the things to look out for, AND get to see first hand that many of these kids are absolutely great kids and are surprisingly resilient and ready to put their past behind and have a great new start! Good luck with your decision!