What does disinhibited attachment therapy look like?

Sounds very similar to how my daughter was at 3. I'm not familiar with disinhibited attachment disorder but my daughter was very quick to get anyone and everyone to pick her up (mom should have been doing it but didn't know at the time that holding her would have been better in the long run than preserving the health of my back). She was nearly 5 before being diagnosed with RAD. A good web site to look at for ideas on how to help your daughter is [URL="http://attachment.org"]Attachment.org[/URL]. I wouldn't worry to much about her now understanding "w" questions, 3 is a little young for that (or so I was told). The lying problem is fear-based. Our therapist was just going over that with me this afternoon -- don't confront her about at the time it happens because she'll get defensive and it'll make the situation worse. Instead, he said to wait until a non-confrontation opportunity to let her know that lying isn't ok. At 3, your fd is probably still too young for the explanation that my 6 yr old is old enough to get. The grabbing issue is from the lack of any impulse control development. Impulse control is among the many items typically developed in the frontal lobe of the brain during the 2-3 yrs. Your daughter has missed out on that development and her brain needs help to make those connections now. Something that the therapist has been telling me to do is to introduce my daughter to her feelings. Emotions are boiled down to sad, mad, glad, and scared -- with RAD kids avoiding the "weak" emotions of sad and scared (they don't like to feel vulnerable). They rarely ever experience glad and tend to live in a state of mad. It's good to say things to them like, "did that make you feel sad?" "Were you scared when that happened?" Don't expect them to say yes, it's just good to let them know that those emotions are ok. Lorie

I liked what CC said too. My dd came home at 7.3 and frankly had been so severely neglected in foster care that she had limited vocabulary, limited emotional understanding and was functioning much more like a 3-4 yr old. Lucky for her, I am a Montessori teacher in a 3-6 yr old classrrom. ;) I'd imagine the same things are true for your dd, that while she may be 3 chronologically- she's more like.....2? (Clearly I dont know her...but you get my point). Are you bottle feeding her? Or giving her rocking & "baby" time? (BTDT. I think it helped) I just started labeling things for R-"You seem sad- your mouth is frowning & eyes are teary. Sad." "You wanted the duck, this is Johnnys time with the duck- You feel disappointed." etc. A book that might help with the wording for it is Positive Discipline for Preschoolers (or any in the series) by Jane Nelson. A lot of it is learning the triggers: for us thats- denying food. Never deny my kid food or water- just tell her when she CAN have it. -car safety. I keep photo copies of my drivers license in my wallet to give her when she feels compelled either through anxiety or nonsense chatter to tell me how to drive. (there are about 20 more- but I know you have the same sort of list for your baby girl :) ) IMHO, What parenting RAD kids requires more than anything else daily is CREATIVITY. And welocme to the world of RAD other people are going to think you are a mean lady who either hates kids or is cruel to children. Its a fun club, there are some cool peeps in it. But really we love our kids- people just don't get it.

Hmm........ I may have to try that. My daughter used to question virtually everything I did while I was driving -- why did you stop? why did you do that? I only had the presence of mind to tell her to look out through the windshield and pay attention to the traffic if she really wanted to know why I did certain things. Thankfully we've moved past some of that. She's no longer telling me that when she gets big like a mom she's going to drive my care and make me sit in the back. Now she just tries to tell me which route to take, how much she hates taking the surface streets, or how terribly lost we are and I need to turn on the navigator to find our way home. I agree that being the mom of a RAD kid sets you apart from the rest. The advice given by well meaning people who raised their own children will be exactly the opposite of what should be done with a RAD kid. I messed up with my daughter by listening to all the words of "encouragement" that kept me from seeking professional help early on. I regret that it took me over 2 years to get her/us into therapy. So much could have been done to help, or at least not done to compound the issues. Sigh. At least we're moving forward now.Lorie

Thanks Lori and TxAt this time, my fd is not displaying a lot of the more disturbing/frustrating/negative behaviors of a RAD kid, but I still do beleive she has attachment issues. I am making it a point to talk about feelings with her (she used to whimper/cry, but she could not tell me what she was feeling or why), and we have made a lot of progress. She has actually come up to me and told me she was sad. She does get frustrated very easily, and because of her language and comprehension delay she cannot often communicate her needs effectively. i agree, that although she is chronologically 3 she operates at more 22 months. I have a really hard time being affectionate with her, but am trying :-(, because I know how important this is for her overall growth. Any helpful hints on how to stop the wandering at home? I've started to make her stay with a toy/activity for 5-10 minutes before moving on.

Have you used a timer and set it nearby telling her "You play with the legos until the timer dings!" Do you have many playdates? I'd find a friend who gets it and get together in 1-1 playdates with a "normal" agemate- you'll have to train her how to "play with a friend" and in turn the friend will help teach her how to play with toys interactively. R didn't get that either at first. Also can you get a little 2x3 rug and keep it in the kitchen or great room so she can have a play space that is nevermore than 20 feet from where you are- in her visual distance? So sshes engaged but can find you if she needs to check in? When R came home she needed positive interation with an adult about every 5 minutes. including during the school day. (it was draining!) Now its about every 45 min, and if she's really engaged it can be longer. (thank goodness!) Honestly I let her play wii for up to 2 hours on the weekend sometimes so I can have some "no questions-me" time. :) But that ability has only come with hard work.

Great ideas Tx-keep them coming! :-). Ironically, I just pm'ed you about your "library"I just picked up our fd from preschool, and she gave me that "I've just been beat" look, and cried when I told her to hold my daughter's hand while crossing the road. When asked why she was crying she said "I want my daddy" (which is my husband-fd has never known her bio dad, and calls my hubby daddy). I told her that daddy was at work, and just ignored her after that. To me, her look and outburst was just a "pity the poor child" ploy. Should I continue to ignore this behavior, or can you offer me some constructive way do deal with it. Her preschool teacher already thinks I'm this cold heartless woman-too regimented and structured. When I come to pick up R (yes, mine is an "R" too :-)), as soon as she sees me, she slows to a snails pace to finish her lunch, while I have to stand there with my other two kiddos and wait. She is always the last one to finish. Needless to say, I do become frustrated that she is using the delay tactics, and illiciting the sympathy from the teacher, so I just leave the classroom and wait. UUUGGGHHH

your list perfectly describes my son, who is 3 and has RAD. I have recently posted questions to others, and you may be interested in searching for those. i also love 'the connected child'. one thing that has helped us is to parent him at a younger age, say, more as a 1-2 year old. since I cannot hold him all the time and I also have a baby, I let him stand by me while i cook, or follow me from room to room. while folding laundry, i give him one sock at a time to put away in other rooms. It gets frustrating when I want to spend alone time with my other children, but sometimes I let them stay up later, or I give him attention first, then say, 'okay, now I'm going to give the other kids some time'. sounds better than it works :) I also have a hard time being affectionate with him because of all the attachment issues, so I feel for you. something I do now is give him personal time reading, rocking, singing right away in the morning after taking oldest to school, otherwise it never happens. infinite patience, that's all you need :)

I wouldnt worry baout the behavior as much as I would try to meet the root of it. So what is she doing when she says I want daddy- WHY? What does Daddy do? OR is she simply prefer him to you? (normal for RAD) With an empathetic tone heres what Iwould have done at lunch "you seem sleepy! you are picking at your food! what part of it do you want to carry while we walk to the car?" And boom- its time to go. If she balks "I know! It is frustrating when we have to leave. You wish we could staay longer. Tomorrow you will come back!" etc. And start walking her to the car- even with tears a flowing- never stop moving forward. You may even have to scoop and go. Think 2... if your 18 month-24 month old did it what would you do? Then do it that way. I'd check out some of the form letters on the web on atttachment site like Adoptattach and attachment.org and modify a "Dear teacher" letter. You need the lady on your side so she doesnt fuel the fire during school with preferental treatment or indulging tantrums etc. She may be doing it to illicit poor me syndrome- but I'd ignore that for now and treat her like the baby she seems to want to be for a while and see how she progresses, and re-evaluate in 6-8 weeks. ( rocking her daily, bottle feeding, binkys and baby blankies etc)

Thanks Mko and Tx. I told my husband about the "I want Daddy" incident, and he told me that she will say "I want Mommy" when I'm not around-Go figure :-). I am trying to spend extra one on one time with her, reading to her, engaging her in activities, and just talking to her. She still shuts down frequently, but I'm hoping it will become better. I do have to keep telling myself that although the calendar says she's three, her life experinces have not equated to three years of love, comfort or compassionate care :-(

It sounds like the "I want the parent who isn't here" line is meant to be irritating and controling. Remember, she isn't familiar with the notion that adults are supposed to be a welcome part of her life. To her they represent all things bad in the world. Her fear is that you'll be no better than her birth family and anyone else she was with before joining your family. She assumes you'll leave her so as a self-defense tactic she's doing her best to push you away. She doesn't feel loveable so she's making it a point to act unloveable to ensure that you can't love her. She needs to control her world, and keep everyone out, or else she's going to get hurt again. While you're remembering that her emotional maturity is far less than her chronological age, also remember that her frontal lobe, which contols her sense of security, trust in others, impulse control, and many other critical aspects of her personality develops during the first 2-3 years of life -- up to now she hasn't had the right nurturing to cause the neurotransmitters to make the right connections. However, because she's in a good family now, and still so young, her brain will be able to start making the right connections more quickly than an older child. :)Lorie

Seems to me that your daughter is still young so some restrictive, regressive things would probably help. Things that you do to a baby. You should restrict (like your doing) those who can pick her up and where she can go and limit the adults in her life that have influence. Sometimes this regressive experience much like we would do with a baby helps to recreate the experience lost. I hope this helps.

I feel the same way with my 7 yr old daughter. Her attatchment disorder causes her to behave in a very annoying way. It pushes everyone away from her, sadly, even me sometimes. I feel horrible about it and very guilty, but I am working on it. She has been home for over a year and a half and has made huge progress. NO ONE except my DH and I understands what is going on with her. She fools everyone. I get a lot of "looks" from other moms, but oh well. I used to believe she was doing this stuff on purpose, but I have gotten to know her better and now I can see that this is how she has learned to survive in her very scary world. There is a very sweet, kind, strong, helpful, compassionate, resourceful, little girl underneath all that annoying crap! It has taken me a long time to see who she really is. Right now I am just doing the best I can to show her love and give her security. We do not have therapy, maybe later we will, but for now I think she just needs time. Everyday that goes by shows her that she is not going to be sent away, she is not going to be abused, and she is forever a part of this family. I feel like we are at a place where she has to CHOSE to make changes. I cannot do it for her. To try and make the affection towards her feel more natural, we are spending 10-15 minutes together at night. It is just us and we read and talk. Sometimes it is the last thing in the world I want to do, but I always feel good that I did it! Don't give up! It really does get better.

I hope you're right, but according to our new therapist that isn't enough. My daughter has been home 4.5 years and is apparently still scared beyond her imagination that she' going to lose me. After only a year, and without any therapy, it's probably much too early for your daughter to have the capacity to choose to make changes. The thing about RAD is that it actually affects the neuro-connections in the brain. The correct pathways, those that allow good choices to be made, have to be forced to develop and apparently that doesn't happen simply by providing the things that we (those with normal brain development) think should convince the child of the safety and security that is now hers. Our logic doesn't apply for a child who doesn't have the ability to think logically. Because of the bleak picture painted by our therapist, I find that I really don't like him very much--but what if he's right and all the "bonding" we were doing for a year and a half has amounted to little or nothing? This point was driven home Friday. Some acquaintances of mine had adopted a boy out of a bad situation. I don't recall how old he was at the time of the adoption. He was never provided with any therapy because they believed love and faith were enough. Last year his father and I had a brief chat about what I was dealing with and he said the symptoms of RAD sounded similar to what he saw in his son. Still, nothing was done to confirm or eliminate RAD. This past Thursday, this gentleman and his wife had a talk with their (now) 16 yr old son about making better choices. The next choice he made was to end his life. I can't help but think that unresolved, unhealed, issues from his early trauma played a role. It's enough to keep me going to the therapist I don't like in hopes that his experience will guide my daughter and me to successful healing. MyForeverkids3, I know that good therapy isn't available everywhere. I hope you're able to find good advice to help you bring your daughter to the healing that she needs. Same goes for everyone else who's trying to remove the scars from their child's heart and soul.

Your child sounds a lot like my son when he came to us. He has RAD and ADHD. Lots of wandering and couldn't focus on any one toy for longer than a few seconds. Excessive questions, lying, fake, NO impulse control, etc. They don't have to have rage to be RAD. We did daily rugtime (and had a GREAT Attachment Therapist) with him. Sometimes we did it 2-3 times a day in the beginning if he was getting out of control. Started at 2 minutes. If he left the rug or moved the toy off the rug, I simply placed him/it back. Timer starts over if he left the rug. Once he got that we increased to 3 minutes, but if the toy was moved off the rug I took it and he still had to sit for the time. Eventually increased it up to 15 minutes at a time. Took a month to get there. Raising a child with an attachment disorder is HARD. My advice is to stay consistant. Do not react to the child and use natural consequences whenever possible. Let the looks/comments of others roll off your back. You know what you are doing is the best thing for the child. That is what matters. It took over 2 years for our daughter to tell us that she loved us (and mean it). That alone makes everything we have been through worth it.

I hear what you are saying. I don't intend to just "leave her be". I do very specific things with her to build trust. I work with her on a feelings journal to help her identify and understand her feelings. We spend alone time together at night. We have been through 3 therapists and DD controlled every interaction with them. She immeadiatly began triangulating. We used all of the sessions that the state would authorize. They wouldn't authorize any more because she doesn't have any obvious acting out behaviors. Her child psychiatrist said she doesn't have RAD but never did any evaluation. He just said that she is not agressive and does not think about hurting people! Yeah, cuz that defines RAD right? For the first year and a half, I felt like I was beating my head against a wall with her. I was frustrated, exhasted and resented her for taking so much time and energy away from my other kids. So, a few months ago, I decided that I cannot make her heal or get better. She has to decide to let me in. That is what I mean by her making a choice. I could stand here and beg and plead and work my butt off and pay thousands of dollars in therapy, but until she decides she wants to let me help, it is all pointless. I also felt like it was doing more damage to our relationship to have all these outside people come in. It was like I was just giving her more practice manipulating people! All that said, I get where you are coming from. I cannot "love her out of it" or just ignore it and it will go away. I get that. But, I also cannot let her mental illness take over my entire family and drive me to insanity! I am sure you know what I mean.