Their birthdays are coming up

Hello everyone...this is my first post on the forum. It's 3:30AM and I'm struggling. So I looked for a place that may have some semblance of support. To explain a little better, my husband and I have given two babies up for adoption. Once in 2005 (we were only boyfriend/girlfriend at the time.) I got pregnant on the Pill while we were living in my aunts washroom outside. I remember being terrified. I've known since I was young that I lack that essential genetic makeup of a mother. It's not for me. After much discussion between ourselves and NO support from our families, we decided adoption was the best route. We found an amazing family, and things went smoothly. I gave birth on September 30th to a beautiful baby girl. Sadly, my family turned on me afterward. My mother got pregnant with a new boyfriend, and despite telling me while I was pregnant "Don't expect any help from me" expected my SO and I to help her with her baby. What's more, my Aunt actually CALLED the adoptive family and demanded money from them, without us knowing. So the whole thing was tainted with bad feelings, something I've had to live with. We talked to the family ourselves and explained the situation as best we could, but it will forever be a black mark on what should have been a more happy situation. In 2008, I became pregnant on the Depo Provera shot! By then my SO and I were married, but it made no difference, I knew that still, there was no way we could support a child. There is no way I could be a good mother. It's just not THERE. Everyone would always tell me, oh, you'll feel different when you have your own kids. No, I didn't. I love them, I miss them horribly, but the fact remains, I would not be a good mother. I'm mature and selfless enough to KNOW that. Again, we found a good family, and on September 29th I had a beautiful baby boy. This adoption was done through an Agency and went smoother. (The first was done privately.) But still...god it's hard. I had no support from anyone but my husband, and even there, it's lacking. His way of dealing with it is to put it behind him and to only remember the good. I wish it was only that easy. As September continues, I can feel my emotional start to deteriorate. I really would like to write letters (BOTH adoptions were supposed to be fairly open with contact on both ends. I'm supposed to get pictures each year. So far, I've received nearly nothing from the first family, although the second family has sent pictures once through the agency.) but I don't know how to. What should I write? SHOULD I write? Is it okay to write? I'm not looking to intrude on their lives. I'm HAPPY with the choice we made. It's the RIGHT choice. I just...I'm feeling depressed. I've been judged over this. Called selfish. My family and my husband's family turned on us. The things done were disgusting and revolting. Things that forever besmirched what should have been beautiful things. I want to cry, but I'm scared if I start, I won't be able to handle myself and stop. I struggle with the emotional conflict, that I feel so much grief, but that I still know I'm not mother materiel. Does that even make sense? I have very few close friends. I am not a social person. The few close friends I have? Most of them are online friends. And a few of them know about it but...I just don't know. It's very hard to share these feelings with anyone. Anyways...I don't know how many people will read this, or understand. But it feels better to let it out in a place that has other people who can possibly sympathize. For that alone.. Thanks.