Open adoption

Originally Posted By NicksterMommyWhen I was first considering adoption, I agreed with that statement. In addition, I felt like it would be confusing to a child to have two moms and two dads (assuming Bdad chose to participate). I was even opposed to sending the pix & letters involved in a semi-open adoption. I only agreed to it because I had a baby waiting for me if I would agree. I truly thought that my beliefs were in the best interest of the child.I now feel COMPLETELY differently about openness. Although I don't know if I'd be ready for fully open, I am a BIG proponent of semi-open (pix & letters). I truly believe that it is in the best interest of the child, the Bmom, AND the Aparents -- everyone wins. Although my son might not know his Bmom's last name, he has access to her health info, why she placed him for adoption, and all of the other unknowns that have plagued adoptees from closed adoptions for generations.After much introspection, I can pinpoint two reasons why I originally agreed with that statement: (1) I had not fully grieved the loss of having a "normal" family, and having any level of openness forced me to face up to the fact that our family was "different" than most families. (2) I was ignorant about Bmoms' AND adoptees' feelings and needs. Meeting Nicholas' Bmom changed my feelings about everything. She wasn't some mysterious stranger who wanted to butt in on my life -- she was this incredibly loving, giving, selfless woman who was making an ENORMOUS sacrifice to do what she believed was best for her son despite the costs to herself. And she gave me the most amazing gift ever. I owe her so much more than I could ever repay.Hopefully the person who posted that message will have the same transformation that I did once she meets the Bmom. Ideally, she will have this transformation beforehand by reading the postings on these boards.

Well, maybe that is true, but think about it. For those of you with children, adopted or bio, what if you were in their shoes? Wouldn't you wonder every day of your life, how that child was doing. What things they liked. Their favorite hobbies and school subjects. On and on and on.... I think the photo album is a wonderful idea. It would answer those questions. I think it would be great for the birthMom to do a similar book for the child to have one day. As an amom, the prospect would be a little scary, but the benefits to all concerned would be obvious. A lot of the people who try to reverse adoptions and end up in the news probably just want some of those answers. Maybe a semi-open adoption would have kept those lines open and stalled the need to try to force their way completely into the life of that child. Just a thought.

Originally Posted By CynicJust to let you know, I copied your post, in entirety, on the board where the original question was posed. I think your statement will have more of an impact coming from an adoptive mother. I personally don't have anything positive to say about the potential adoptive parents that made those remarks. It is my belief that they are selfish and only thinking of their insecurities and not the needs of the child and completely disrespecting birthmothers. I also believe that people that are this selfish and so concerned with themselves only, would not make good parents. There are plenty of birthparents that would be better parents than them, others must concur with my conclusion because one of the potential adoptive parents had been waiting 5 years. Most birthparents that I know, would be far better parents than these selfish people.

Originally Posted By NicksterMommyI agree that the comments I made may be better received coming from an Amom. I hope those wannabes will do a little more research and develop empathy for the Bmoms. If the Aparents feel hostility towards the Bparents, the child will pick up on it, and surely we all can agree that the child's needs must ALWAYS come first.

Originally Posted By To CynicJust keep in mind that most adoptive parents are not only not selfish,,,,but,,,,in fact are very loving, compassionate, generous people. I didn't adopt in order to get something, but to give my child a life she could not have had otherwise. I am not talking about overindulgences....I am talking about nutrition, clean water, health care and education. These things are not givens in a thirld world country and sometimes not even in industrial nations. Be careful lumping everyone into the same cubbyhole.

Originally Posted By binaI had a very similar experience to nickstermom. Was so unable to even consider open adoption I ruled out domestic adotpion completely and had planned to adopt from an orphanage in Russia. At the very last minute, my husband got cold feet b/x he couldn't stand the idea of not being able to tell the child ANYTHING about the b-parents. not their name. their medicals let alone the reasons why they were given up.I was so mad at him for not going for it. And I fell into a really bad depression thinking we would never adopt at all. Then I decide to just try to learn more about open adoption. Until I met our bmom I was just plain afraid. Mostly I was afraid to engage in anything that might actually facilitate or make it easier for a mom to give up her child. Ethically I was very wary of this. It seemed easier to go to the orphanage where the decision had already been made.But now I understand so much more the real issues. Our bmom was incredibly loving towards us - she asked us to all the doctors appts and had us in the delivery room..... my husband was her labor coach along side her mother. We feel that we extended our family and will care about the bmom forever.And for our newborn son, he will never have to wonder who she was or why. He has pages and pages of medicals. Yes it is more complicated and more human to do an open adoption but as one who has come full circle it is WELL worth the risks and well worth moving beyond our own fears. I hope we can teach our son that love multiplies, it doesn't divide. That's the lesson I've learned so far with open adoption.

Originally Posted By BonnieI think that the statement of "having their cake, and eat it too" is so narrow-minded. Just like NicksterMommy, we are in a semi-open adoption. For us, full openness was not what we wanted, and not what our bmom wanted. We met her several times before our son was born and discussed the amount of contact we all wanted. We send photos, letters, and most recently a video.As many of you know, our bmom's family tried to get our son back when he was 6 months old, because they had not known about him before then. It was a difficult time, one filled with anger, love, etc. Through it all we never lost sight of the idea that this was about our son, and continued to do the updates while we were planning for court dates.I keep copies of all the letters we send, so one day our son will have them. I am still hoping that his bmom will send letters to him, but so far she has not. When the time is right, I am sure she will.If people would just try for a second to put themselves in the bmom's shoes, they would understand how essential these updates are. I couldn't imagine not keeping her informed.

Originally Posted By KariI love your message here, God bless you and your family!