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I havent updated in a long time and theres lots of new names on here :)
Anyways my questions is were going for our last visit, biomom reliquished her rights, next week. I want to give her pictures of the boys and maybe right her a letter. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
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What I would do....is go to barnes and nobles and find an "about me book" for parents...the brand eat your peas has a few cute journals like this....give it to Mom as a gift, have her fill it out- all of her memories, thoughts, information about her childhood, information about your kiddos as babies, and their births- and have her mail it back to the caseworker to give to you....to keep, to pass on the memories and eventually give to your sons when they are old enough
I think it's a great idea to send bm a set of pictures and whatever you decide. It's not only a wonderful gesture that you appreciate her but it's also a gesture to your children that, as pp said, you care about their bm and their foundation.
We want to send pics annually to bp's of our guys after their adoptions are finalized but have been told by cw's that it's a bad idea. That's sad to me because as they're older if they decide to search for bp's it would be beneficial for them to know their bp's thought about them and hopefully kept all the info they were given. It isn't so much, for me, a gift to bp's as much as for the boys self esteem if they chose to search.
And, to the poster who wrote about the "about me" book, I LOVE that idea!! If ever we did a f/a of an older child, that would rock! Our boys are young enough that we're the only ones that "know" them. Though, I wish I knew more info about the bm's pregnancies. McB's mom told us when we met her about some of the things she craved, which I've written in McB's baby book. ;)
Good luck, I'm sure you're going to need a box of tissue for the kids as well as yourself after that visit :(
Our boys are 2 1/2 and 11 months today but the oldest one had just turned 2 and came from the maternal gma and the baby was only 4 months and he was in the hosptial for 2 of those months. But I love the idea of the about me book. Maybe I can create my own or their own book like that that would have questions that she can answer. Thanks so much for the great ideas! I want to give her a little something to take with her but I never thought about her "giving" something to the boys, like the book! Im not sure she would mail it back so maybe something really short and easy for her to fill out, we have 2 hours to say "goodbye".
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Pennmom76
I wrote mom a heartfelt letter. I bought her a pendant with a mother and child and her birthstone along with my FD's birthstone on it.
I bought her a digital camera.
and I am also looking into paying for a few months worth of her therapy since DSS won't pay for it anymore.
family medical history
weight height at birth, time if they know it.
family member(s) fk's look like, and why
any memories from pregnancy that stick out (cravings, movement, etc)
birthday party themes (if any)
favorite toy as a child
nursery theme (if any)
...stuff that, as an adult I'd want to know that they may not know because of the adoption.
Good luck! Let us know what you decide to ask after you write!
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our birthmom did not abuse our daughter (not to our knowledge anyway) she has a mental illness and was neglectful.
The way I see it is that she is still having
a really hard time in life, I think her one bright spot is knowing her daughter is well cared for because everything around her is crumbling. No housing, no money, no car, no job etc etc I could go on.
I feel like one day I would like our daughter to know we did everything we could to help her birthmom. We did not take her and run to live happily ever after.
I want to see her birthmom succeed, though she is older she still has so much growing up to do.
at this stage, saadly, I don't see what this woman to live for, I don't know where she could look for a shred of happiness and this is breaking my heart. If I found out that my mother struggled this way while I lived with a family with support and a great lifestyle, I would be really broken up over it. I want my daughter to know we were there for her birthmom.
I crossed posted this question after I found the adoptee forum and suprisingly, adoptess said this is a bad idea, that they wouldnt ask mom to fill out anything? Some of the suggested sending it home and having her return it to the caseworker. Which is a great idea except I am 99% sure she wouldnt. That would make me sad for the boys. What do you all think?
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Goodbye visit should be just for the kids and their first mom, IMHO. It's the last time they'll see each other for...well, sometimes forever. While I love the idea of the info from mom, I'd suggest that you send it in advance of the goodbye visit or leave it when you go. Don't expect this to be a happy, warm, touchy-feely kind of day. It has a definite note of finality, a deep sadness even if the first family does a great job of keeping up appearances. Mom isn't going to want to do anything besides get her time with her kids.
And I really can't blame her.
Expect this day to be uber emotional for you, for her, and for the kids. Do not expect her to want to talk to you. Do not expect her to explain to the kids or even actually say goodbye. A walk down memory lane would be way too hard right now.
That can wait.
Give her your tokens--albums, pictures, gifts--take a ton of pictures, let her have her time. And when you send her the copies of the goodbye pictures, THEN include your questions. If she returns them, fine. If not, let it go. We don't get the luxury of having our kids' full history sometimes.
But we do get the kids. Maybe that information is something she needs to keep for herself.