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Hello!I am a birth mother to an extremely open adoption with my 8 year old son. I love every bit of the fact that I have such an open adoption but with everything in life we have our struggles and road bumps. My current road bump is something I have yet to speak to the adoptive mother about and is the reason for this thread. As I said, I have an extremely open adoption. I've been to there home, they've been to mine, we typically see each other three times a year and there is phone conversations on a every so often basis. My son is also at the point where he asks about me almost everyday and I believe they should begin explaining to him any day. My struggle is the set up of how we get together. Typically one calls the other to check up and then casually asks when the other is going to be available the soonest. My problem is that she is in a career field that demands alot of her time and her being on call 24hrs sometimes. I feel as if since shes the busiest person out of all of us that she ultimately should be the one calling me and telling me what days we should see each other since her schedule is soooo insane! Usually at the end of our phone conversations she'll say, " well i'll talk to ____ and see when the best time for both of us is to come up and visit" and i usually reply with, "sounds wonderful, i work every other weekend but i'm always available after 1pm, just let me know" and then she typically ends the conversation with alright well you give me a call as well. Now this is the frustrating part; She almost never calls me back and i always have to call her after i've waiting a mind numbing 3-4wks after this phone conversation. Then when i do finally break down and call ( after i officially feel rejected and forgotten about) and she almost always says "Oh goodness!! How are you! I was just telling ____ about how we need to get ahold of you and come up to visit".... It's been like this for about 3-4 years. When we are in person I never feel like i am the burden that i feel like over the phone. I feel extremely loved and protected as one of there family members and she typically talks about the future and possibly having my son come stay with me for a weekend or me come stay with them because we are on that level of a relationship now. But why is it EVERY time I call ( about every 3 months) i go through this rollercoaster of why doesn't she ever call me back and makes me feel like such a burden to there life. I'm not good with confronting issues like this especially with my adoptive family. I'm unsure what to do and i am currently in one of my typical luls of waiting to her from them again since speaking with them the first week of September.I hope you all can understand the babble that has been going on in my head for awhile and i'm finally resorting to asking people who may be in similar situations. Thanks, - a lost birth mommy.
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I;m sorry yo haven't gotten a reply from a first mom. I am an amom also in a very open adoption and I would say to try and set up a definite time for you to call her. If that doesn't work, does she respond to e-mail?
I have a similar problem but mine is that my son's bmom never responds to my e-mails! She prefers to talk on the phone but it is hard for me because I always have something or someone (DS!) taking my attention away from the phone.
It sounds like you have a good long-term relationship. Maybe you can bring this up at a time when you are having a visit and feel relaxed. Another option is to agree to bring your calendars and set up your next visit at the current visit. That way you all know when it will be.
Good luck...navigating OA can be tricky but I think it is so worth it...especially for the children we share such love for!
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Oh Ang, do I EVER understand where you're coming from! My (placed) daughter will be four next month and I got my first unsolicited email with an offer of a visit last week. I was shocked and over the moon!
But before that? I was always the one to initiate every communication we'd have. I'd suggest a visit, and would take forever to hear back. We'd pick a date with the followup from her of "I'll firm plans later" and I'd never hear back.
And it is incredibly disappointing. And hurtful.
I completely understand that people are busy. I understand that some people are just flakey. I understand that people are forgetful. I really, really do.
BUT, at the same time, it's INCREDIBLY hard to be in your position (and you're not alone - there are many of us that have been there).
For some, it has helped to find the preferred mode of contact (I've got a bmom friend that was having a beast of a time with communication via email, but got in contact through FB and communication was WAY more consistent). For some, the conversation has helped.
For me? I have just basically accepted it.
But that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck.
Because I really do feel like everyone has five minutes SOMETIME. And we HAVE to make each other a priority once in a while to keep the OA moving in a positive direction.
I hope that you're able to resolve your communication conflicts soon. ((((((Hugs)))))))
I'm an adoptive mom of two (five years old, nine months old) with open adoptions with both of my children's birth parents. Do you feel like you could just bring it up, in a nonconfrontational way, like, "hey, could you let me know in a week or so about our plans to so I don't feel like I have to pester you?" or something like that? My situation with DS is a little different...I'm the one always suggesting visits (I think his birth mom is pulling away a little bit, which I respect but am sad over) and bringing them up. If she were to say, "Hey, I appreciate you bringing it up, but I'll let *you* know when I want to visit" (or something like that--i.e. if she needs some space), I would respect that. But I can't do that unless she tells me how I'm feeling. I'm betting that it's not even on her radar...but I also agree with Thanksgivingmom that both sides have to participate to make OA work. I feel like as the mom who's parenting, it's up to me to initiate calls, emails, visits, etc (no always, but it's usually me) and I honor that responsibility. But if either of my children's birth moms asked me anything in terms of contact (more or less, more pictures, whatever) I would respect it. Hope this helps...and I hope you get it resolved too.