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I was adopted at birth and was raised mostly by my adoptive mother as my parents got divorced when I was 6. I really didn't see my dad much while I was little, but in 1993, my dad remarried and I was a teenager and I enjoyed the time away from my mom to visit with my dad. In January of 2009, I lost my adoptive father to a sudden heart attack. Now, my step-mom has moved on and has a live in boyfriend already. he is a really nice guy, but it is very awkward for me as my step-mom kind of has no relation to me anymore, but yet she does because she is Nana to my 2 girls. I have been in a bit of a depression ever since and just now while I was laying in bed, i think i found the root of my depression.
other than my 2 beautiful, wonderful girls, i (just as every other adoptee) have never had anyone in my life that has that "special connection" with me. i see my step-family moving on and they are together and close because they've always been there for each other. but yet, not only do i need my step mom in my life for my children's sake, but also for a selfish reason - she has my fathers things. it is just a lot to handle and i don't know if anyone out there has ever been in this situation.
btw, my adoptive mom lives in a different state and we don't have the best of relationship. i love her and wouldn't want anything to ever happen to her as i would be just as devestated as when i lost my dad, but i don't think i have that same kind of love that i am craving. i was in a closed adoption and have very limited information on my biological family, so i have to find a way to make my current situation work.
i feel like i'm just rambling on...i kind of am since i just came out here from laying down and i'm just typing my thoughts as i go.
i will appreciate anyone's advice if you have it.
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I can very much understand how the sudden loss of your a-dad and then the moving on of your step-mom may leave you feeling depressed and alone. Realizing the lack of a special connection can feel pretty depressing to say the least. And the fact that your a-mom isn't close probably makes those feelings even more vivid. Parental bereavement can have all kinds of twists and turns and stir up all kinds of stuff - even years after they've died. I, too, had a-parents who divorced. I grew up with my a-mom and stepdad. My a-mom died when I was 28 and my stepdad died suddenly 10 years later. Both losses were very tough, especially the sudden loss of my step-dad since it was so unexpected. One of the bereavement books I'd read, "Finding your way after your parent dies" by Richard Gilbert, published by Ave Maria Press, actually has a small section for adopted adults. It recognises that losing one's a-parents may re-trigger the original feelings of loss and abandonment - we get a 'double whammy'. And according to the book, "When Parents Die", people who weren't close to their parent (adopted or birth) feel a certain kind of loss. It's a loss that comes from knowing that they won't ever get the close, loving parent-child relationship they consciously or subconsciously craved/longed for. Good for you for jotting your feelings down and seeking advice. I don't have any advice other than to let yourself grieve. For me, it took time, gentleness, patience, endurance, courage and effort (that's probably why grieving is called grief work). And I found the combo of bereavement and post-adoption groups helpful along that journey. Feel free to share whatever feelings you might have. Hugs to you in the meantime. :grouphug:
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