not my place to say "you did the right thing"

Cath, I'm so glad my son has never said that to me...it would cut me to the core if I heard those words. In my own mind, I think I would hear those words as, "I'm so glad you decided to give me away. I'd much rather live with anybody else than you." I think most people are really trying to tell their natural mothers that they made the best decision they could at the time...and that they understand why she did what she did. But it still feels like a two-edged sword to the heart. It's hard to hear...

I can totally understand that Raven. Reading your post makes my heart hurt for anyone that had to hear those words....but at the same time, I think that I could say them. I think it WAS the best thing that happened to me. (and many people would agree with that statement concerning my adoption) Yet, I have never spoken those words to D. Sometimes, I think it IS best to keep some things to yourself, because what would the purpose be in telling her that!?! I agree with you Raven about the adoptee meaning they feel the bmom did the best thing that she could at the time.

D actually say that to me one time when we were talking about my decision to place him (I think he was trying to comfort the 21yr old girl that was)... It really is a two edged sword, especially in terms of its emotional impact. (I think I probably cringed a little, at least inside.) Perhaps I should hasten to add that we have what I believe to be a very comfortable relationship (He considers it to be a healthy relationship.)

My son likes to say 'oh I've just had the best life! It all turned out well, don't you think?' which just kills me.

Caths - I can honestly state "I understand why" and I can also state "I would be less than if I had not had the mom and dad I did" and I can state "I wish I could have grown up in my original family"...just that paradox of being an adoptee. I think though that the phrase needs to be nixed because it is cruel...just like "are you lucky and grateful you were adopted"... Kind regards,Dickons

I like your approach much better. I don't care much when ANYONE says to me "you did the right thing" even if I myself believe I did. It just comes off condescending to my ears. I want to know my son had a good life and he bonded well with his afamily, but somehow saying "you did the right thing" sounds insensitive to me and I hear "thank GOD I wasn't raised by you--that definitely would have been the WRONG thing!" And truly, how can anyone know that with 100% certainty having not lived the alternative? Yes, you (the general "you") can look at how your birth family is from the perspective of who you became as a result of being raised outside of that family, but had you been raised in your birth family, you might not see it as a terrible thing (even if it was really dysfunctional). In any case, you wouldn't have an alternative to compare it to. So bottom line, it's better to reassure a birth parent that you had a good life (assuming you did). I think that's what every birth parent wants to know.

My Bmom on a few occasions over the years has brought up to me how she wondered if she had made the right decision, most recently, after my contact with Bdad. I don't know what she wanted, or expected me to say, much less why she would be making a comment like that to me. The first few times, I felt sorry for her and told her she had done the right thing because I think that is what she wanted/needed to hear from me. What else was I going to say? The last time she brought up the question, I told her she had done the right thing, but I said it because I needed to believe it, as I struggled with my reunions and their difficulties, as well as, the reality of the situation. What else can you say to the mother who gave you up when she ask you if she did the right thing? I think it's like Peachy said, me saying that to her was telling her she wasn't good enough in some way, which knowing my Bmom, may be exactly what she wanted me to say to her? I can tell you this for a fact, telling her she had made the right decision felt like a lie everytime I said it, because the truth is/was I really didn't know if she had made the right decision. Now, when I think about it, it kind of makes me angry that she wanted me, the child she gave up, to validate her decision for her. Sorry you guys, I think of you and how hearing your child say that hurt you. and I'm certain they weren't trying to hurt you, just trying to come to terms with it all. I also know you would never "ask" your child that question, and I guess it hurts and I still have some anger at my Bmom to work through for putting me in a position like that. No matter how I answered that question, we both got hurt.

My son said this to me, and it hurt like nothing in this world hurts. But I also know that he was just trying to ease my soul with regards to the home in which he grew up and it came out like that. But yes, it is pure, horrific pain. When he said it I couldn't help but beg him not to repeat it. It was said in the middle of an extremely emotional, tear-laden heart-to-heart and I couldn't have been more vulnerable if I were left naked in a blizzard. I venture to guess the same was true for him, so I didn't make anymore of it after that. I think I know what he meant and it's okay now.

I suppose what adoptees who say "you did the right thing" mean is something along the lines of "given the circumstances, you did the best thing you felt you could do at the time and things worked out as best they could". Also, even though it is hard to hear the words "you did the right thing", I would assume you don't want to hear "you didn't do the right thing" either because then you would worry that your child had had a bad life. Again though, neither is something that I feel is right to say. It is obviously very hard to know what to say; even with extended bfamily, things can come out the wrong way (one 2nd cousin said something trying to be kind but was actually a bit hurtful, not that I told her that because she meant well).

That's how I understood my son, but it still hurt. Felt like being gutted with a teaspoon.

I'm sorry your birthmother put you in that position, but I also wonder if she was thinking rhetorically or just thinking out loud and not necessarily wanting you to validate her choice with a definite answer. In any case, it's not a question you or anone else can answer, really. It's hard to think of a good response on the spot, but if asked again (are you still in contact with her?) I would simply say "I'm sorry but I cannot answer that question for you, as it is impossible to know." And that's the TRUTH. It is impossible for HER to know, too, since she cannot live two lives simulaneously and compare them. There is no way for her to know with certainty how it would have panned out if she had kept you. That doesn't stop a birthmother from wondering. I know I have, and although I wouldn't expect my son to answer that question for me, I might express to him (if we were very well established in a reunion) that I've wondered over the years if I made the right decision or how things would have been different if I had kept him.

Peachy, I think wondering about the decision and how things might have been is a perfectly normal, and probably, healthy thing to do as people heal. I think what, both, my bmom, and I, were doing was trying to reconcile the pain away...make it all o.k.. kwim? Saying something was the "right thing", even if it might truly be, just doesn't erase the hurt. kwim?