What do you wish you knew, or that someone had warned you about, before you signed?

emom means expectant mom. :-) Glad you're working through it.

Babycat, Maybe you should talk to your brother seriously about his offer to adopt the baby. I would have adopted my sister's baby in a heartbeat had she not chosen to parent and I seriously think we have the type of relationship that it would have been able to work (obviously I'm sure it would not have been perfect but what is?). If you don't feel you can raise the child and your brother can, you may get to have the doting aunt role you wish for and your child would know a lot of his ancestry/family history. Not trying to push you one way or another, but I think you should have a serious conversation with your brother if you think he could provide the life you want for your child (assuming you decide not to parent). If he's willing to adopt the child, would he be willing to help you parent?

In thinking some more about this thread (a very thought-provoking one, babycat), something that I have questioned in recent years, that I didn't consider when I was a teenager, is that no one I was dealing with at the agency as I explored adoption had been through the experience of losing a child in this manner. And I don't even think any of the caseworkers I dealt with had ever been pregnant or given birth at all, or were raising children through adoption. The caseworkers I dealt with were a single woman who never had kids and a married one who hadn't had children yet. They were both very helpful and non-coercive/non-pressuring, etc., however, they only had a "book knowledge" of the ramifications of placing a child. So, as much as they can give you information about the adoption option, it is important to keep in mind they are really not speaking from experience when they tell you what the process will be like. Moreover, if they are the type to tell you with confidence that you will move on with your life or things will get easier for you, or try to discuss anything having to do with how you will bond with your baby, they simply do not know. They may have some knowledge in general about what it is like to give birth, and know about the grieving process, and have heard from other natural mothers they've worked with what it is like for them, but they are NOT coming from the actual perspective of giving birth and relinquishing a child unless they had this experience and went into adoption counseling. I believe this limits their understanding immensely. I honestly don't think anyone can quite grasp the enormity of it all unless they have been through it themselves. Just something to keep in mind. You have to search your own heart and soul, weigh your options and make your own decision. Don't rely on what anyone else is telling you as gospel (really one way or the other--my cousin tried to convince me to put my son in foster care for 2 years while I got on my feet-that may have been something she was willing to do but it was not a viable option for me). You have to gather your information as thoroughly as you can, but ultimately you need to go with your own gut. I think it is also important to own your decision once you make it. It's going to be hard either way, but if you own the choice, whatever that choice is, you are less likely to have regrets later.

Hello. I dont know much about the laws in CA. I live in OH. I will tell you from experience (i just had my baby 3 weeks ago) that in OH you cannot by law sign any papers until after 72 hrs after delivery. I think maybe you should look into other A 'rents if they are not meeting ALL your needs. I have a very open adoption plan and the A 'rents were here for a month total before and after the baby was born. It gave me so much time to see them interact with eachother then the baby. Thats what helped me make my decision and know in my heart it was the right one. I did bring her home for the 3 days, and I will tell you I wouldnt trade those 3 days for anything in the world. If you want an very open adoption, then there are many many people looking to adopt who will be perfect for the adoption plan you are looking for. Always remember you are in the driver's seat. Just take time to do what you want to do and follow your heart. Good luck to you sweetie and good luck with the birth or your baby!

A little concerned... If I do keep her, what should I do if a relative says to her, "You're lucky they kept you! They were going to give you to strangers"? (Way to scar a child! & if that leads to "I wish you had given me up for adoption!" in parent-child disputes... ugh.)My side of the family has kept it so quiet that my aunts, uncles, and cousins don't know I'm with child. My immediate family only recently found out, but they have been supportive and discrete. They know that family gossip (& the input of people who know next to nothing about the situation) is the last thing I need to deal with right now. The fact that we are contemplating adoption pretty much spread like wildfire on his side, though. Unfortunately. (I warned him to be discrete about it since we weren't positive, but he wanted to tell his parents. Okay, but then I asked him to request they keep it quiet because we're not sure and there would be repercussions if we ended up keeping her. He said that they wouldn't tell anyone, and I asked him to make sure. Well, he didn't.) I don't think it's something that other family members need to know at all until we are 100% sure that we are going to go with adoption.

Does it really matter what others think? Down deep you know it doesn't. But yes - sometimes what others say does hurt. I had an adoption plan - left the hospital without my son. Barely anyone (as far as I know) in my family knew outside my immediate family. Well, I changed my mind. With my ss worker being on vacation and the holiday season it took almost two weeks before he was back in my arms. I also had to return back to work eventually. The same place the prospective adoptive mom works. Now that was stressful. I was literally shaking my first day back. It's been almost 4 years and things are pretty settled down with her best friend and other coworkers that thought I was super horrible for taking my son back. As much as I hated giving them that pain, my son is where he belongs. I had given my son the name the PAPs chose at birth. I changed it when I brought him home. His birth cert. has their name as an amendment on it. I hate this, but it is what it is...the truth. YES - I planned on placing him for adoption, but things changed. I just couldn't do it. And he will know his story as painful as it is for me, it is his story and...well, he'll know. Don't think about what others may think or say. Do what is right for you and your child. I am super impressed with all your research and care in your decision. I wish I would have done half of it while I was pregnant. Good luck and best wishes!!!

Stupid comments are going to be a fact of life no matter what you decide. The adopted daughter of a dear friend of ours has gotten the question on the school playground, "why didn't your mom want you?" Besides, you have months to think up something really snarky to say to any potentially stupid relative and something really affirming for your child. And for the record, an angry teenager will say whatever they think will hurt you the most, so whether it's that comment or not is immaterial. I was told in no uncertain terms by my son (with hate in his eyes) that his life would be perfect, if I would only GET OUT OF IT. It's the teen years-- intense selfishness and anger at any obstacle to what they want is part of the deal. Now, his brain has turned back on and he is dangerously close to being a full-fledged adult. :) Point being...you and your child, no matter what the situation or decision will always get stupid comments because people are always willing to say stupid things. :rolleyes: And there's no way in the world to avoid your teen yelling hurtful things at you in their anger. It's gonna happen. They don't need ammunition either, they can get creative with no ammo at all. Don't let either of these things impact your decision. Stick with the real issues- the big ones. I do hope your boyfriend sees the difficulty he just added to things by admitting his whole family into your private decision.

Update: There were just too few guarantees (none), not much reassurance that I would ever see/speak to the baby again... & no open adoption candidates that I felt were right & trustworthy. The father offered to support me with shelter, but did not love me or give me any financial or emotional support. Not even food. I couldn't get aid for food because he made too much for me to qualify. We kept the baby, but split up. Now I'm struggling on my own with the child & he is making many legal threats. Now... it is hard. SO hard. Do I regret it? No. I did wonder if she would have been happier with a whole family who was financially well off, but there is no guarantee that they would stay whole, treat her well, & always be able to financially support her. Me? I am fighting tooth & nail to provide a stable home for her. I'm enrolled for the Fall to take online courses & attend a full day on campus once a week. It may be a tough year or two until I'm done with my studies. Maybe one day she'll have a whole family (or two), but at least now she has a father & mother who love her very much. Thank you for all of your help, sharing your stories, reflecting on your lives to help me. Every single smile she gives me, every nuzzle & hug makes the struggle worth it. If you know ANY information on how to get help as a single mother in California, I would appreciate it very much. Housing, food, scholarships, anything. (I am researching all sources I can find. But maybe, just maybe there is something I have missed.) Please, PM me. Thanks. I'm sorry to report a "failed adoption."

Thanks, really. Thanks so much. All that you said helped me decide without fear guiding my choices. & it's useful for everything in life.

Hi Babycat-- I can't help with CA, but when my DD was born I was in the same place you're in now and I know it is SO hard. Some days I really doubted my ability to make it. But if you keep going, keep doing what you need to do, you WILL make it. When my DD was born I was a high-school dropout, no money, no skills, no home, no anything. But I refused to let my baby go, I refused to give up, and I graduated with a four-year degree when she turned seven. I promise, YOU CAN DO IT! Oh no, NEVER apologize to ANYONE for keeping your sweet baby. Never be sorry for doing what every other typical mom throughout history and all over the world does: raise and love her baby/babies. Adoption as it's practiced today in the US is the abnormal thing, not keeping your baby. (((((Babycat & Babycat's little girl))))) Best of everything to you and your sweet little one! ETA: "abnormal" in the technical sense, as in not the norm.

Babycat!!! I am glad you did what was right for you and that you have no regrets! You can always come here for support! Pretty sure there are also members here who will know what resources are out there to give you a hand up to get up on your feet. Not sure how many will come here this weekend though... This site is also good when you just plain old need some verbal support and virtual hugs... Cheers and Hugs... Kind regards,Dickons

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. I came across this link which you might find helpful (if you haven't seen it already): [url=http://www.singlemomfinancialhelp.com/state-assistance-programs-for-single-mothers/california/]Grants For Single Mothers In California – Help For Single Mothers[/url] also this: [url=http://helpforsinglemother.net/help-for-single-mothers-in-california-welfare-programs-information/]Help for single mothers in California - welfare programs information[/url] This site seems to have a forum that you might be interested in: [url=http://singleparentsnetwork.com/]A Single Parents Network - Support & Resources for Single Mothers, Single Fathers & Step Parents[/url]

PM Ravensong. She might know of resources in CA.Are you getting financial assistance for school? You should qualify for the pell grant. My coworker's daughter was able to go to our local university for free (it is a very inexpensive state school) because of the amount of money she got with the pell grant after she had her son. Have you talked to any counselors at the university? They may know of resources for single moms.

What did you decide to do about breastfeeding?If you are breastfeeding and want any help/advice with that, PM me.

My daughter just had a baby. Working with an agency, she and we had a great experience with the exception of ONE BIG THING. She picked the family, agreed upon open adoption terms, signed surrender papers and came home. 2 days later, the agency called...the adoptive parents decided not to adopt because they weren't ready. (Being an adoptive parent, my husband and I cannot begin to fathom this.) Her surrender papers list the family specifically but then say if the agency doesn't deem that an appropriate placement, they have 10 days to inform my daughter and she can choose another family. Since this is an unbelievably emotional decision, I would highly recommend contacting an attorney prior to surrender....the verbage of "termination of rights is null if the chosen family changes their mind" would have been good to know ahead of time.