Wife not happy about reunion

Paintguy, Welcome to the forum...the jealousy issues do happen. And for good reason - if you have always known your family you cannot conceive what it is like to have a family you did not grow up with or know anything about. Your wife does need you to reassure, reassure, reassure her daily. She is feeling like the odd ball and that's hard when she cannot understand what it is like. If she won't go to counselling can you look for adoptee support groups in your area and attend as a couple so she can see your reaction is normal for an adoptee? Try googling adoptee search and reunion support group meetings in your area. You could also ask her to come on the forum and ask us what it is like? Take care, stick around but stop hiding your texts etc. You know good and well what it feels like to be lied to. Perhaps find a compromise in the amount of time you spend? Take care,Dickons

You said your adoptive father was verbally abusive, so I'm sure you recognize from your upbringing that the statements your wife is making everyday about your birth family not caring about you and you not needing them because you've got her is verbally abusive. You should never be afraid of being truthful with your spouse about everything that is going on in your life, including your phone calls, emails, and texts. If these behaviors are abnormal for your wife and she has not done anything like this before in your 13 year marriage, maybe you could explain to your sister that you need to briefly put your relationship with her on hold while you concentrate on straightening things out with your wife. You need to be honest with your wife and tell her you are briefly putting the relationship on hold so you and she can attempt to fix things. Then, pursue counseling again, read some good reunion books and discuss them together (Birthright by Jean A.S. Strauss is great), go to some adoption triad support group meetings, and try getting her to read these forums. If she loves you and is open to change, this can all be worked out. However, if she is not open to working through this, you will ultimately have to make some tough choices. I'm in reunion too, and I know that making those sibling connections is awesome. I, too, had an abusive adoptive father and have been estranged from him for over a decade. Getting to know my bio-family has been life changing, and my reunion really didn't kick off until I had been married almost a decade (we were nearing our 10th anniversary when my spouse met my bio family for the first time). So I do get where you are coming from. My husband has had moments where he wasn't "sure" how he felt about the new male family members in my life having been all I had for so long, but he was always open to talking and hearing me out and going with me to see them, and we've worked through all the shaky moments so far. A few years into it, we are all feeling like family now. Can you maybe plan a special night where you have dinner and really talk about all this and try to understand precisely what her fears are so that you can help alleviate them? Best Wishes! Snoopy

From a woman this sounds like jealousy. You are in a very tough position. I would encourage you to try the marriage counselor again. There is obviously more to your wifes feelings than that it is taking up your time by having contact with your sibling. I am guessing part of this is that your wife feels she was ғenough for so long and now you need your other siblings and is not fully understanding how your desire to have contact with them has nothing to do with your relationship with her. I wish I had some advice, but take care and good luck.

Head back to counseling. If she won't go, then you go. I'm all for preserving marriage, and I think if one doens't want to face issues, then the other can do their part for their own sanity. I suspect your wife has "other" issues and she's now found an outlet. My guess is she doesn't recognize it, and she isn't doing this intentionally.In her defense, reunion is very intense, and it's hard for our spouses to see us become so focused on someone else. Maybe it would help if she would realize that you are finding part of yourself in these relationships, a part she has probably already seen and loved. All that being said, you absoulutely have the right to your family and your truth. It sounds like you've made great efforts to include your wife, and that's admirable. I'd be honest with your sister that your wife is having issues, but don't cut off contact. The door is already open and your feelings are there. Denying them will make you resentful, and cause more issues. Good luck to you. You aren't the first to go through this, and I bet many have made it through even stronger in all their relationships!

Thanks for all of the replies.I'll try my best to get her back in counseling.I think I'll try a differant therapist this time.The one we were seeing would just sit there and listen to us argue and was giving little advice.we would leave counseling with my wife mad at me and her accusing me of telling lies,when I was 100% truthful. This isn't the first time she's acted this way.We bought a house an hour away from my hometown 10 years ago.If I would go visit friends,or my mom and a-dad once a week she would get mad.She wouldn't tell me I couldn't go,but would sulk and make me feel guilty for going.She would also tell me that my mom and a-dad and brother were a happy family without me,and she didn't see why I had to always go over there.She denied ever doing this to the therapist. The sad part is,it's ok for her to hang out with her sisters and family. When my grandmother passed away last year,it made me realize that life is short and family is important,thats when I decided to seek out my birthfamily.I've only gotten together with my sister once in the past month,and I've told her the way my wife feels.She says she's insecure.I hate sneaking around and hiding calls,but if my wife checks my phone and see's that sis has called,she will sulk and not speak to me,or call my sister a whore and trash.It's the best feeling in the world to be reunited with my family,so there's no way I'm cutting off contact with anybody. I've given my wife extra attention since reunion so she wouldn't feel left out,but it's never enough.I feel like I'm on the verge of going insane with everything I've been through in my life.

Paintguy, Perhaps you need to insist that she seek counseling to figure out why she feels threatened when away from you. I would not appreciate not having my space away from my spouse - everyone needs down time. Take care,Dickons

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