Question about bio stalking

@mommy2fiveplus, Well, first, you aren't that supportive of your mother. Sometimes in reunion it is really hard to try for a relationship. Other times it is impossible. Maybe your mom doesn't interfere with her half-sister because the woman doesn't know and her mother, your grandmother, is touchy about it...it's hard to tell. The facts are simple...it isn't up to you, reunion can take decades and you need to be supportive...There is absolutely nothing wrong with the process as it stands.. JMHO

Trust your gut. "It feels weird to me." I think it is fine to search in secret. I scan my son's bmom's facebook page a couple times per week. and I definitely google my fdaughter's parents. But including your children in the Halloween trip is a little more complicated. What does it teach them about relationships? What does it teach them about relationships with bio and adoptive families? Are you setting an example that when they are older they should be secretive about their interest in their bio families? Is that healthy for your relationship with them? I'm not judging your mom at all. Reunion can be scary and emotional in so many ways. I do question whether including your kids (particularly foster or adopted kids) in the secret hunt is healthy. Good luck on your journey.

Not supportive of her mother? Are you kidding me? If she were any more supportive, somebody would have to hang her out on the line and beat her clean. The woman is stalking strangers for her. That's supportive! The woman isn't questioning her mother or arguing with her over what is now definitely behavior most people would identify as seriously inappropriate. That's supportive! She is wondering, in her own mind, and seeking input from others about the logic, healthiness, and possible effect on herself, her kids, and family of her mother's behavior, the behavior her mother has recruited her and her children into, these family secrets, etc. That is not only supportive and caring, it is healthy! It is supportive because it is healthy. To continue to enable unhealthy behavior is not truly supportive. Family secrets are toxic. Being a secret is toxic. Being a secret's secret is toxic. If it were me, I would try to listen to my mother and encourage her to step out of the shadows of secrets and come out to this woman before life passes them both by. Birthmother has no right to this secret, IMO; this secret is the life of the child who was adopted and that child, now grown, has a right to claim it as do her children. Birthmother gave up her right to secrets the day she gave birth to a living, inherently worthy person who has a right to her identity and a life with integrity. Five years is a long time. If mother doesn't want to pursue the contact legitimately, then I would not participate in any more stalking or other secretive behavior around my mother's bio family and I would explain as gently as I could why. I would also not allow mother's adoption to be a family secret in my household. FWIW, those are my thoughts. Take what you like.

Oh, Hadley . . . I think you are absolutely right.

By the way, I just noticed that there is an error in my post, which you guys may have realized and self corrected. I wrote "I am also the biological mother of a wonderful lady who is also a foster parent and is the adoptive daughter of terrific people" it should say "I am the biological daughter of a wonderful lady who is also a foster parent and the adoptive daughter of terrific people". I think most of you realized my error but just in case I wanted to clarify. My mom's adoption is not really a secret to anyone, all of her sibs are adopted and everybody, even my kids are aware of this, it is just the biological knowledge that is a secret to everybody. My grandparents encouraged her to search and are aware that she knows who the biomom is but my mom rarely talks to anyone about her or the rest of her bio fam, so it is info about them and any meaningful relationship with them that is so secretive. Sometimes, I wonder why they don't want to know us, or if my mom just doesn't want them to know us and if so, why? She has never indicated that they are bad people and our limited yearly stalking has not given me any indication that they are anything but normal. My kids don't know that these people we trick or treat at every year are related to us, although I am suprised my oldest two have not mentioned how similar my mom looks to her sister but when there is candy at stake, it is easy to see why they are otherwise preoccupied. I guess since they don't know it isn't directly harming them or anything, it just goes against my nature to be up front and direct in life (cancer survivors often learn that life can be limited, so if you got something to say, say it you might be dead tomorrow). Our adopted children's relationships with bios is limited (by the nature of thier foster care situations) but knowledge is always accessible and openly spoken of and safe relationships are encouraged where appropriate (I am currently seeking out my youngest son's bio half brother who was foster-adopted in another state to try and form a relationship). I do wonder sometimes if they will wonder why such openness is not/wasnot available to my mom. It is not that I am unsupportive of my mother, she just doesn't give me a lot of opprutunity to be supportive, she doesn't talk much about it and when I gently inquire if she is interested in more/expanded communication she just shuts down or tells me to mind my own bussiness. I wonder what will happen if the grandma dies and no relationship has been built with the sister before then? Like I said, I am happy with the family I have (grandparents, cousins, uncle, etc.) but I am welcoming to additions if they are interested (we wouldn't be fosters if we weren't) and wonder if my mom will have regrets if the contact is not made before someone dies and the chance is lost.

Before I add my two cents, I thought I'd first clarify things since all these references 'mom' I find a bit confusing. I gather that your mom has been in touch with your bio-grandmom. Your bio-grandmom has not told your mom's half sister (i.e. your half-bio-aunt) of your mom's existence. Meanwhile, you, your mom and your kids 'stalk' your half-bio-aunt and she doesn't know of that you are all half-bio relatives. If this is the case, then your half-bio-aunt is in the dark. And it sounds like your mom is reticent about how much contact she is prepared to have with her bio mom and half-bio-sister. Meanwhile, your bio-grandmom is also reticent, particularly about telling your half-bio-aunt the truth. In other words, yes, there are still a lot of secrets and reticence, and you are part of it. I can imagine the reticence on your mom's and your bio-grandmother's side. Reunion is a tricky thing to embark upon. What you need to ascertain for yourself is how much YOU want to be part of keeping all these family secrets. I'm not saying that you be the one to go and tell your half-bio-aunt or push your mom into any particular decision she's not prepared for. You may want to broach the subject with your mom again - but it sounds like she's not keen on discussing since she'd shut you down already. However, you can decide for yourself how much involvement you want, what you think is healthy behaviour for you and your kids, and stick to/act on it. If I were in your shoes, given that I tend to be a person who puts high value on honesty and openness, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing the Hallowe'en trick or treat thing as I'd feel I'm cooperating in this 'collusion of secrets'. I would tell my mom that's how I feel but also preface it by saying that I respect how reticent she feels about being in contact with her bio-relatives.

On an added note, from everything I've read about search and reunion, the decision about how much contact, with whom and when can be complex and filled with all kinds of emotions and fears - just have a read of the search/reunion forums as well as the following articles by adoption.com [url=http://reunion.adoption.com/adoption-records/search-reunion-ebook.html]Online Guide to Adoption Search & Reunion - Search & Reunion Ebook[/url] I can understand why your mom doesn't 'just walk up to her half sister and introduce herself' - IMHO it's really not that simple. It's kind of like trying to muster up the guts to someone you've been longing to know but are afraid what might pan out. That's why I think there are so many secrets (and therefore lies).