Not sure

Take what she gives you and crop her amom out! I don't think you're wrong - your feelikngs are your feelings! In my own case, I would love to have pics of D as an infant with his amom. They weren't much for getting pictures taken. I guess my though is that I want to see what I missed! I want to know what he looked like... and that he was loved.

Actually, the pose will not contain the amom, it will just be the same exact pose that Sammy's bdaughter and the amom had when sammy's bdaughter was a baby. The picture will be of sammy's bdaughter and grandbaby! Mama Hen....I know we talked a little about this the other night. Like I said, I don't think that A is aware of the way that you feel about those things. She doesn't see them as triggers, and that is what those comments are to you. Triggers. They remind you of what you missed. What you wanted. For her, I think she is just sharing with you what she is planning on doing. I don't think that she is trying to hurt you.Also, as an adoptee, sometimes it's hard to know what to say and not what to say. You want to be "sensitive" but at the same time it's hard to know what to say about some things. Sometimes, when we comment on our "life" it seems to be triggers for bmoms, and that is hard, because we are only talking or making comments on what went on in our lives and don't mean it to be a trigger. Or a slap in the face. Or a source of pain. Sometimes it's just "normal" conversation.....

Sammy, am I understanding you correctly that the problem you're having is seeing a studio photograph of your daughter and grandchild posed in the same way that your daughter and her amom were posed when she was an infant? In other words, the amom isn't even in the new photograph...it's just your daughter and granddaughter? If this is the case, then I don't really understand as a fellow birth mother in long-term reunion what you're being triggered by. Is your discomfort due to the fact that your daughter treasures childhood moments with her adoptive mother? Can you perhaps try viewing it instead as your daughter having the childhood you wanted her to have when you relinquished her for adoption? I'm sure when you signed those surrender papers that you wanted her to go to a loving family who would bond with her and love her unconditionally. When my son was a child, it was always so much easier for me to envision him with his adoptive father than his adoptive mother. We reunited twenty years ago shortly after he turned 18, and it was very difficult for me at that time to see the studio photos of him taken with his mom, especially when he was a baby and toddler. I didn't have the same reaction to seeing the photos with him and his dad. I knew right off the bat that I was being triggered by my own unresolved issues, like grief and loss of motherhood. It was hard to see the woman who had replaced me in family photos, even though it had been my own decision to place my baby for adoption. Once I identified why I felt so uncomfortable seeing those photos, I was able to work on my own feelings and issues. Today, some of my favorite photographs of my son are those taken with his mom...the same photos that triggered me so much 20 years ago. But it took quite a while for me to reach this point... One suggestion I have is that you just graciously accept your daughter's gift, without telling her that the pose makes you feel uncomfortable. One thing that can really sabotage a reunion is conflict of loyalties for the adoptee. Your daughter loves her mom, and if she feels disapproval coming from you about it, chances are high that she'll feel very uncomfortable and cut you off. You've been given an extraordinary opportunity---most birth mothers from the Closed Era will never be able to reunite with their children. Your relationship took a nosedive for a while, but now you've been given a second chance to rebuild it and give it a strong foundation. :loveyou: