Advertisements
Advertisements
I have recently to the conclusion that the main reason for my relinquishment was that my birth mother was too scared to tell her mother. For a while, I did sort of feel that it ended up being a choice between her baby and her family. However, I have recently realised that if she had been rejected by her family, she would have lost not only her baby but her family and it would have been too much of a risk for her to take. Even though my b/uncles have said "if only she had told mum and dad, they would have come and brought her home" (and they probably would have), later events seem to point towards her not feeling in herself that would be the case (whether she was right or not). After all, if 8 years later as a 31 year old woman, she is in her 3rd trimester and she still hasn't told her mother even though she lives less than 50 miles away and visits home on a regular basis, then that doesn't sound like someone who is convinced her mother is going to accept her pregnancy with open arms (no-one in family excep big bro knew about this later pregnancy until afterwards). So I hardly think that she would have felt confident in 1964 lol.
I just wondered whether any of you other ladies felt that risk was too big to take. With there being no financial/social support back then, it certainly would have been.
Like
Share
Well, I put off finding out 'officially' that I was pregnant until I was 6 months along. I'm not 100% sure why, but certainly admitting it to my parents was a terrifying prospect.
There is so much tied up with that. I know I felt ashamed that I wasn't the 'good girl' my parents wanted me to be.
TBH it was even difficult to tell my parents about my being pregnant 18(!!) years later, even though I was in a steady relationship and mid 30's.
It's hard, it can depend so much on parents. My parents have been really 'good' and giving unwanted opinions/advice. When I was pregnant with my second daughter (at the age of 38), my mom was very happy to tell me that I was making a mistake having my girls so close together (um I was kind of thinking more about if I wanted to have more kids I needed to do it ASAP to minimise the risk of Downs etc etc), she was also annoyed that she was due during their annual trip to Florida (umm, sorry but I don't plan the conception of my child to make the birth convienient for YOU).
So yes, the upshot is that you could be on to something here!
Like
Share
Advertisements
I know my birthmother was told something to the effect, "Don't bring that baby home." As to what might have happened had she kept me, we will never know. I have no doubts it would have been extremely difficult for her. I also know my birthmother's sister and husband (Baunt) had considered adopting me. As to why they didn't, well, I can speculate, but I don't know if I will ever really, truly, find out. Even all these years later (46), getting any of them to "talk" about it is like extracting wisdom teeth. Then again, maybe it's just better that I don't know all the details. kwim?
Like
Share
quantum
Well, I put off finding out 'officially' that I was pregnant until I was 6 months along. I'm not 100% sure why, but certainly admitting it to my parents was a terrifying prospect.
There is so much tied up with that. I know I felt ashamed that I wasn't the 'good girl' my parents wanted me to be.
TBH it was even difficult to tell my parents about my being pregnant 18(!!) years later, even though I was in a steady relationship and mid 30's.
It's hard, it can depend so much on parents. My parents have been really 'good' and giving unwanted opinions/advice. When I was pregnant with my second daughter (at the age of 38), my mom was very happy to tell me that I was making a mistake having my girls so close together (um I was kind of thinking more about if I wanted to have more kids I needed to do it ASAP to minimise the risk of Downs etc etc), she was also annoyed that she was due during their annual trip to Florida (umm, sorry but I don't plan the conception of my child to make the birth convienient for YOU).
So yes, the upshot is that you could be on to something here!
Mothers, who'd have 'em LOL. I have heard from more distant relatives that my bgrandmother was quite a domineering woman and my bmum, being the only daughter out of 6 children, did a lot of the housework and helped raise her 2 youngest brothers (only 9/10 years older than me). I suspect my bmother probably thought her mother wouldn't appreciate her bringing a baby home with 2 rambunctious young boys at home lol.
As for my amum, I do tend to find that I have to fit in with her rather than the other way around. Your mum sounds a bit like mine in some ways in that mine is always trying to tell me where I am going wrong. Also, I am convinced she thinks I have no friends (just because I never brought any home) and I think she is surprised when she does meet people who actually seem to like me LOL.
Btw people may think above that I am being fanciful in thinking my bmother would have wanted to bring me home if she had the choice. Of course, I don't really know. However, I do know the info sheet did say that she had "very mixed feelings about adoption" and even taking "me" out of the equation and speaking generically, she was someone who, according to all her relatives, did love children and would surely have wanted to keep her baby if she could. I still refuse to speculate on how she would have felt after the adoption because the possibilities range from blocking it all out to thinking about baby every day. Even though I suspect the truth is in the middle somewhere, I would find it hard if she had "blocked it all out" because that would sort of mean that she never had the opportunity to come to terms with the adoption and therefore I may have never consciously crossed her mind from the adoption onwards until she passed away. Yes, I know everyone on here thought about their child throughout the years but there are also a lot of 60s mothers who did block it all out and didn't come to terms with it all until they reunited with their child. Anyway, I will just have to accept that it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things and, lets face it, if she had "blocked me out" then I am probably never going to know about it so I can just pretend that she did think about me LOL. I do feel that if she had lived she would have been kind enough to have at least met me if I had contacted her, even if she hadn't wanted a relationship; I really do believe that. Also, I do have enough evidence to know that she certainly would have cared that I went to a good home.
I know my birthmother was told something to the effect, "Don't bring that baby home." As to what might have happened had she kept me, we will never know. I have no doubts it would have been extremely difficult for her. I also know my birthmother's sister and husband (Baunt) had considered adopting me. As to why they didn't, well, I can speculate, but I don't know if I will ever really, truly, find out. Even all these years later (46), getting any of them to "talk" about it is like extracting wisdom teeth. Then again, maybe it's just better that I don't know all the details. kwim?
As you say, Shadow, a lot of us probably will never know the full story and as you say, it is probably better if we don't a lot of the time. I sometimes wonder also if I am finding out more about my bmother than I would have if she had been alive.
Like
Share
All this reunion stuff is SO tricky! My relationship with my son is quite ok. I wish it could be more, but with distance and his personality and the fact that he HAS an entire family + extras where he is, it's not more than what it is.
And I'm ok with that.
:-)
Like
Share
quantum
All this reunion stuff is SO tricky! My relationship with my son is quite ok. I wish it could be more, but with distance and his personality and the fact that he HAS an entire family + extras where he is, it's not more than what it is.
And I'm ok with that.
:-)
I can imagine it would be tricky trying to walk a fine line. Btw has he got married yet? I remember you had that thread about his wedding and wondered what you ended up wearing (or are going to wear)?
The one advantage about being in "reunion" with just uncles/cousins is that the relationship is much more fluid - I already have a closer relationship with them than acousins/uncles - mainly because the latter are overseas.
Like
Share
Advertisements