Happy, but confused

Yes, it is very normal. I recently spoke to my son for the first time and he also called me mom and said he loved me. We spoke for three hours and then talked again the following week for 4 hours. We have been emailing since, and he expressed he would like to meet. I'm hoping to arrange somthing in spring (we do not live close by). I have moments where I am very afraid of losing him again, but trying to trust and have faith that I won't. You just have to think positive and focus on building a solid foundation with your son. This is something we have missed as birth mothers, and most of us don't have that advantage of a developed relationship over the years. It did help me that I had a semi-open, so my son had letters and pictures from me over the years. Was your adoption closed? Reunion is definitely a roller coaster, and don't be surprised if very strong emotions come to the surface. It's totally normal. Just try to breathe and relax! I know it's not easy, but I find the more contact I have with my son, the easier it gets for me to just let the relationship develop in its own way. Every reunion is different. Mine, for some, would seem way to slow-moving (I got his identifying info back in 2007 and we only started emailing directly earlier this year). I know what you mean about feeling complete. I feel very differently now that I heard my son's voice. I can only imagine how meeting him will change me! He is my only child, and to have this connection now to my only child is very important to me. Congratuations on your reunion and best wishes as you grow in your relationship with your son!

Roller coaster, yep that is so what it is. We had a closed adoption so our first contact was after 24 years. I am so trying to be positive, but in the back of my head I feel fear. We talk every day and as soon as we hang up I cry. Happy tears and maybe some sad ones because I have missed so much. He is me in the form of a young man and it amazes me how that could be since I never raised him. He is not angry or bitter and God that helps my soul. His Mom is not thrilled that we have had contact I am sure it is hard for her, but on the other hand it has been really hard for me. I just do not want her to make him feel he needs to pick between us because that would really be so unfair. My heart feels like it beats 1000 times a minute, one moment I am teary eyed the next smiles. We planned another meeting and he wants me to stay with him this time so we can spend every moment together. I am honored.

I cannot tell you how relieved I was to know that my son did not feel "abandoned" or "rejected" about being placed for adoption. Take this for what it is worth, as it is only my opinion and others may totally disagree (and keep in mind that my reunion has gone at a snail's pace), but I sometimes think talking every day early on is too much, espeically if the phone calls are very long. You do need time in between these conversations to process your feelings and so does your son. If the intensity is too strong, I think it can very easily lead to feelings of overwhelm. Again, not trying to scare you or make you feel like you SHOULDN'T talk every day (if that is what you are both comfortable with), but know that you do need to process the emotions that come up and sometimes having a break is a really good thing. I also feel breaks allow me to savor the communication with my son. What is your son's relationship like with his amom? Can he reassure her that he is not trying to replace her? She likely needs some extra reassurance from your son at this time. Hopefully it won't come to that, as it would be totally unfair. But you cannot control what she does and I wouldn't focus on this right now. My son's parents have always been very open to him being in contact with me, and even told me I should consider myself his number one mom! Nevertheless, I wanted to make clear to him and his mom that I did not want to take away from her position as his mother and I wrote her a letter indicating that. I've also made it very clear to my son that it was not my intention to take his mother's place and I respected her position as his mother. I know it is very important to my son to not feel put in the middle and having both of his moms on the same page makes this whole process so much smoother. I hope as your relationship with your son develops, his mom will feel more comfortable about it. I'm glad your reunion is going so well, and you are planning another meeting (how exciting!). Enjoy this time together getting to know your son and try to keep the sadness and fears at bay. This is really a joyous time!

Hiya! My birthson is 25 now, we've been in reunion for nearly 4 years. It sure is a roller coaster! What helped me was coming to a point where I decided to believe in the good. Instead of fearing that he would abandon ME, I made a concious decision to believe that he WANTED me in his life unless he told me differently. I've been in a much better place mentally since then! His amom also has HUGE problems with us being in reunion. She's tormented me on FB to the point where I had to block her (and she was the one who friended ME to begin with). When I first tried to contact him, she rang his adad (they are divorced) and said "Our worst nightmare has come true". WTF? said me! I mean, I definately have NO intentions of taking him away, HE IS A GROWN MAN. But he's my flesh and blood and that of my daughters as well. As long as HE wants me in his life, that's what matters. I tried reassuring her. Didn't work in my case. He knew that as well though. So I just play it low key and let him lead the way. I do NOTHING to justify her fears or paranoia, and that helps loads. :-) Keep talking! And Peachy has great advice here! :-) So happy for you!!!

FB stalking well that sounds like what she was doing to me and I blocked her. I have made the choice just to try and put her out of my mind because I don't need to have her approval when he is 24. Would it make it easier sure, but she stresses me out! I will continue to pray that I can let go of the fear and focus on the positive. So do you see your son on a regular basis?

I will keep all of that in mind. Processing all of this scary, but thrilling. I am so happy I feel like I could fly.

I live several thousand miles away from my son, so we don't see each other that often. He did come with his financee to visit us for a month this summer! That's when his amom's fb stalking got the absolute worst. She would just post on my status or any comment or post I made, usually talking about being her son's mommy. And this is AFTER I'd met her and made sure to introduce her to my raised girls as his mamma etc etc. We're going to be going to his wedding next summer as well. I think she'll be on her best behaviour though as he threatened to not invite her if she repeated some of her most obvious negativity (she sent me a message where she told me he was not my son, she cc'd him as well, just really bizzarre!). We chat online now and then, but the initial RUSH of our first weeks of reunion has definatley died down. I'm glad though, I don't know if I could have taken it longterm!

So I bought my plane ticket last night to see him again in February. We are both thrilled, but I have something weighing heavy on my heart. I have two daughters one 21 and the other 17. They both know about him and the oldest has even met him. My youngest is a Sr in high school and is wrapped up in her life and is stressed about college. She does not know I have been in contact with him and it is killing me not to tell her. I just don't think she can handle it right now this being such a stressful time in life. But my happiness about him is getting caught up in the guilt I have about not telling her. She has always been the baby in the family and I can not see her wanting to share me at all. But I need this in my life to help heal my pain and connect with my son. Any advice on how or what I should do about telling her or waiting until she gets her college decison and the stress is less.

I guess I feel like secrets are never a good thing. I understand she's stressed out, but maybe sitting her down and telling her and explaining why you haven't told her before isn't such a bad idea. Im lucky in that my kids were 4 and 2 when I found my son, so they are growing up knowing about him.

I tend to agree with Quantum, that secrets aren't a good thing. (I should tell you I am an adoptee). How do you think your daughter would feel 3 months from now finding out that everyone else has known, and had the chance to build a relationship but her? How do you think your son will feel realizing he's a secret months later? I think your intentions are good, but I'd say please reconsider.