Hurting Birth Family

MrsS, Of course this affects the family, I have not heard differently in the responses on this thread. But primarily the grief is the mothers grief, it was her child and her decision, the families grief is secondary to hers, it just is. I do think that you have a conflict of interest and need to tread a very fine line. Your expectations that she should have given you her child because you wish to adopt and she knew that puts you in a conflict of interest. I would even go so far as to say it may have been the main reason she did not tell the family, simply because she could not deal with the thought of having to watch her child be parented day in and day out as the child of someone else. And your discussion with her may have crossed a line between familial grief and your own personal desire to be a parent through adoption. No one should be adding more grief and guilt onto a mother who just surrendered their child - that in itself is enough for her to deal with. I think you need to take a step back and come to a place of peace which is simply time and going through the stages of grief an aunt would go through loosing a nephew, before you talk to her again and then simply be concerned over how she feels, she is the mother who lost her child. Regards,Dickons

I can only tell you that I do know how much I hurt my mom by choosing adoption. In some ways that hurt her more than my having a baby "out of wedlock." In fact I'm still not sure she ever completely forgave me. One of my regrets is that she had died by the time D and I reconnected. My dad did get to know him a little. (Ironically my dad was the one who felt adoption was the right option; he apologized to me once because he felt he pushed me into it -- he didn't, and I told him so.) It is impossible to know how our actions will effect others; when we are young, we tend to think in terms of how things will effect us so I don't think it's surprising that your sister can't understand your hurt.

I don't understand hiding a preganancy from family these days as an adult, and telling them a month after. It's not 1930, where out-of-wedlock kids are that frowned upon. Is it selfish of her to adopt out without asking family? Sure. Is it possibly selfish of family to assume that any unwanted kids that any family member has should be adopted within the family? Possibly. Even so, it doesn't sound like she's very mature or considerate. It would be hard to hear any kid call someone else their mom, but that doesn't make it less cold to give the kid to a stranger when your own sister has been trying to adopt. She chose to get pregnant, she chose to have a kid-- why didn't she chose to help out her own sister, and deal with the awkward family visits? It's not that hard to visit family only when the kid is at summer camp/grandma's/whatever.

That's a little harsh feb, tbh. I'm assuming you're not a birthmother. The pain and grief a birthmother goes through is complex and intense. We don't really know the family dynamics in this particular family. My parents kind of offered to parent my son, but I couldn't stand that idea for many reasons. Fact is, this IS the birthmother's choice and I, for one, thinks she needs support in her decision. I can understand why it would be tough for her sister, but you need to grieve without putting blame on her... I'm sorry feb, you know not of what you speak. Do you really believe that getting pregnant was her choice? Do you seriously think this is about awkward family visits? Good grief. Please, I urge you to read more about women who have relinquished and why.

Im with Quantum all the way on this one, not one of us can know what was in this womanҒs heart when she chose to place her child without her familys knowledge. Judging her harshly without having any facts in hand serves no purpose҅but then as a woman who chose to place her child under any circumstances, Im afraid being judged harshly will be her lot in life. Mrs. S. IҒm sorry you are hurting right now. My sister has kept a few secrets from me and it really hurt, because I felt like she could trust me with anythingover the years she let me know that she just couldnŒt stand letting me down. It hurt so much because I adore my sister. Losing a child hurts. Losing a family member hurts. I think the loss of a child leaves a gaping hole in a familys ongoing heritage. I hope the two of you can support each other in your shared grief.

With all due respect to the O/P, it is not up to any expectant mother to provide a family member with her baby, period. Nor is it selfish of her to want to place her baby outside of her family, if that is what she felt was best for both her and her baby. I placed my child with "strangers," there was nothing "cold" about it, and despite the tremendous loss and grief over losing a child, I am forever grateful my son did NOT grow up in my family, first and foremost, because they were not up to the task of raising him properly and it wasn't even an option (but had it been, I would most definitely have declined), but secondly, I could not have coped well emotionally with that scenario. I don't know the O/P's reasons for not considering her family, but she had her reasons, and many, many birthmothers make this very same decision for a myraid of complex reasons. To assume it is inconsiderate and immature to make this choice is to not have a grasp on the dynamics and complexities of the situation. I can excuse being misinformed, but there is no need to be unnecessarily harsh.

May I suggest getting some independent grief counseling, separate from your sister? I don't know how helpful it is (for either of you) for you to go to your sister in her own grief and lay your grief on her. In my mind, this will only make her feel guilty and I don't believe that is what you want to do, but it will have that effect on her if you keep telling her how hurt you are. She is in no place to deal with your hurt or the hurt of the extended family. She is coping with her own hurt and can't be expected to take on everyone else's. Can you and your mother talk to someone about what you are going through and how upsetting this is to you?

I do think this of course affects you and I don't think you are wrong to grieve. I appreciate that you are trying to grieve in private. I am sure the pressure to be supportive of your sister while feeling betrayed must be difficult. I think going to your own counseling, or finding your own outlet to grieve seperate from your sister is good. It will allow you to grieve without adding to what she's going through. Honestly after placement, well I had been so focused on doing everything for my son for so long, and when I was finally just left with myself, I realized I was a broken shell, so I couldn't think of anyone else for awhile. I had to be entirely focused on just getting myself through the day. Her inability to see that you're grieving may just be self-preservation at this point.

I have to (again) agree with Racilious. After I had my daughter, I couldn't have imagined telling my family and taking on their pain, concerns, feelings. Perhaps some would consider that selfish. But until you've been in the position of someone that's placed a child, I really think it's impossible to understand the motivation. It's not based in being selfish, it's based on self-preservation. On getting through your day. And sometimes, that takes a big dose of denial. To have your family focusing your mind back on the loss. The grief. The reality of what happened? I think it would have pushed me over the edge. That is not to say, by any means, that you don't deserve your time to grieve the loss your family has experienced. You do - absolutely. Just know that for now, the time and place for that grieving might not be with your sister. ((((((hugs))))))

I have to (again) agree with Racilious. After I had my daughter, I couldn't have imagined telling my family and taking on their pain, concerns, feelings. Perhaps some would consider that selfish. But until you've been in the position of someone that's placed a child, I really think it's impossible to understand the motivation. It's not based in being selfish, it's based on self-preservation. On getting through your day. And sometimes, that takes a big dose of denial. To have your family focusing your mind back on the loss. The grief. The reality of what happened? I think it would have pushed me over the edge. That is not to say, by any means, that you don't deserve your time to grieve the loss your family has experienced. You do - absolutely. Just know that for now, the time and place for that grieving might not be with your sister. ((((((hugs))))))

I placed my son for adoption and didn't tell my family till he was one and a half. My ex didn't tell his family until he was over two. My folks were hurt that I didn't tell them, but that was more because I didn't share not because of the choice. My ex's brother is mad at me to this day because he thinks we should have placed Kiddo with him. That would have been a hell on earth for me for alot of reasons. I would have been angry that my ex got to see him all the time. I would have had to watch his family parent, it just wouldn't have worked. I also agree with the others that my family has to be my safe place. No one should have to make their sibling a parent. I think you need independant counseling. This isn't something that is ok to talk about with her. You are allowed your grief, but she shouldn't be your sounding board.

For the record I am not openly grieving with her and telling her what could have been. We had one conversation about it and I told her I never wanted to talk about my grief with her again. I told her that I love her and though I don't understand and may never I know she did what she thought was right. We have spent every day together since then and have had good times. Yes maybe I should see a grief counselor. Thanks for all the feedback.

"The worst thing for me is he will never trully be apart of our family. " mrs s said since the child is the adoptee and most affected by this, some day she will have to answer to him why she did not allow him a chance to stay in the family and hid it completely. He will then find out his mother chose this destiny for him as all secrets usually come out at reunion.I am sorry you lost a beautiful member of your family and I am sorry he lost his whole family too. Far reaching impact, but remember she was making decisions in a crisis mode.

So much of this resonates with me, because I have not told my family about the child I placed. Now that she's 18 and we have reunited, I find myself feeling as if I HAVE to tell them, if not because of the fact that they now can know her, she will likely want to know them. I know my family will be hurt, and the fact that I will hurt them prevents me from opening up. I can't even imagine how this is going to go down. I didn't tell my family for a lot of reasons: I was young, scared of disappointing everyone, scared that my siblings would have to bear the brunt of my mistake. I also needed to make my own decision in my own time without other's influence. My mom was and still is a very controlling force in my life. I needed to explore my own options without wondering if my choice was mine or what someone else wanted me to do. I do have to answer to everyone for choosing to go about it in that way, including my daughter. But at the same time, I've always been secure in my decision because I knew in my heart it was the right thing, and I knew the family that I placed with her with was the right one. That peace has gotten me through a lot of hard bumps over the years. Try not to be too hard on your sister. I know you are grieving too, and you are entitled to that too! You lost the ability to know a member of your family. I hope you will continue to be supportive of her and that your family can heal from it's loss.

Feb171983 Im not 100% sure if you gave your child for adoption or what your story is but i can't really understand you. My sister too can't have a child. We talked about her adopting my daughter. But it would have been to hard for both of us. As a bmom you are always the mom. Always! Seeing that your child is calling your sister mom or mommy, i can't even imagine the pain from that. I am 26 years old and very mature. You have to be mature to make that kind of painful decision for your child. So i don't know you who you think you are to say that she must not be very mature. As i said i am 26 years old, i have a 4 year old daughter and i gave my 2 year old daughter for adoption. I hid it from 2 of my sisters and my biological father. We do that for a reason. So we don't have to hear the criticism from the people we need support from. Its the toughest decision ever! If anything it is selfish of the sister to expect that she should have given her child to her. That is unreal to me. She did a very tough, courageous thing. And for anyone at all to look down on her for it, well shame shame shame.