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I had a baby girl in september. I have noticed things have been off with me latly, I was just so tied up with work and school i never took the time to really sit down and look at what was happening around me. Now school is out and I am noticing that I don't want to be around people and im really upset all of the time. She just seems to be on my mind all the time now and I feel hurt about this situation. Does it get easier over time? Is there anything to help me feel better about giving her up when i look around and see my friends having and raising babies that are younger than I am? I don't regret giving her to a family that loves her so much, but it still hurts. I feel like I have failed.
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Your grief is very new and very raw. My son was born in October and looking back I don't really know how I got through that school year. (Keeping busy can be distracting.) Basically you need to allow yourself to grieve. There are no short cuts. Do you have a counselor to talk to? I'm not sure grief ever quite goes away; but I found that life got easier. I liken it to a wound that has to heal. It hurts a lot in the beginning. After a while a scab forms, the scab is easily rubbed or picked off. Eventually scar tissue forms. The scar is bright and reminds you of the wound every time you see it. Gradually it fades and you don't notice it all the time. It's not easy; for me the hardest thing was learning to forgive myself. It's easy to feel like you have failed. Remember that you made what seemed to you the best decision at the time. It doesn't mean that you don't love your child.
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It's good to allow these feelings to come up now. It's good to learn to push them away when it's time to work, but it's so healthy to work through them early on. Take time when you need it. Cry and write and make something beautiful with your hands. Take up knitting or painting or hiking... get interested in something that allows you a brief escape. Always come back to your feelings about your child and work through them a little more every day.Advice I wish I'd taken 17 years ago....-T