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Hi,
I'm new here so please be gentle if I'm repeating or anything. This may seem like an unimportant question to those of you with vividly transracial families, but if you give me a chance I'll explain why it isn't a mild issue for us.
I live in the Czech Republic (though I'm American). My Czech husband and I adopted a Romani child. (That's "Gypsy" for the unenlightened.) It is hard to exaggerate the extreme situation on racial issues here. This is a country where we still have racially segregated schools. Most Romani kids are channeled into schools for the mildly mentally retarded, where they make up 90 percent. It is common for politicians and other public figures to make very racist remarks. It is common for visibly Roma people to be accosted on the street in a racist way daily. OK, you probably get the picture.
However, ironically not all Roma are particularly dark, though that is the stereotype. Some light-skinned Romani children are adopted by families that don't really want Romani children and their heritage is kept a secret. When we filled out the form there was not only the question about ethnicity in general but also "Would you accept a child with mild or extensive ethnic features?" In our case, we said we would accept any child of any ethnicity, which is basically how you end up with a Romani child, but as chance would have it, we ended up with a very light-skinned Romani child. That can happen if there are simply no families available of the "mildly" open-minded variety, which isn't uncommon. Interestingly enough, it appears that our daughter can "pass" as white as they say, at least if she keeps her clothes on. Her face is particularly light and she has blue/gray eyes, which isn't uncommon among Roma but white people tend not to know that for some reason. But when she's naked in the bathtub, it is pretty obvious that she has darker skin.
So here's my question. I went into this knowing we were going to face some major racial issues, self-esteem issues and so forth. I have done loads of research and feel I have a handle on a lot of it. But this is one thing I didn't really expect. I expected to have a child who couldn't pass as white and this opens up a different kettle of fish. She is unlikely to be accepted by the clubs for Romani children, that I wanted to enroll her in. The social antagonism is such that she will have a very hard time gaining acceptance in the Romani community, given that she fits neither socially nor entirely physically. Any ideas on how to convince people a child is of a particular background when its needed? I don't want to overload her with information on racial issues, when she doesn't feel like she experiences them, but on the other hand, I don't want her to be terrified to go swimming in public or to feel like she has a shameful secret. How do you deal with identity issues when you want a child to know her background but she doesn't look like the stereotypical image of that background?
Most frightening to me is what do we do as a family, when we are in casual social situations where someone who is ostensibly a friend says something racist about Roma, without knowing and in many cases simply forgetting that our child is Romani? Any tips on constructive (as opposed to isolating) ways to deal with these comments? Unlike in the US, we live in a society, where these comments are so common (daily), that if we just "avoided" them, we would have to live in a very narrow world of a few select friends, homeschool and shop only on the internet. At present our policy is to simply leave the room, when comments are made in a social setting (usually regarding events in the news, inappropriate jokes, even songs with racist lyrics). Our leaving is noticed, though not always understood.
I would appreciate advice on this. The closest I can imagine for Americans would be the example of an AA child, who is particularly light-skinned, living in a very backward area. (But please don't berate me about the moving to another place issue. I am seriously looking for ideas. We can't leave the country and the Roma are only a 3 percent minority. There are virtually no "Romani areas" outside of a few extremely desperate ghettos.)
Sorry about the long message and many thanks for reading.
Arianna:confused:
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No real problem with at home-based work - online translating and private English-teaching. Full-time tutor would be too expensive for us but I could theoretically be the tutor for other kids as well as mine. I think the backlash against homeschooling came from people worried about transracially adopted children becoming completely socially isolated (understandable concern), and I think some people in the US believe that I'm exaggerating about the society here.
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It may be hard for some people to wrap their minds around such blatant racism still happening. I briefly read about the school environment; segregation, sub par education, placement of the children in special education classes... just because. I would not worry about her being socially deprived, with such an environment, more than likely it will be a negative experience. As you indicated you can attend social clubs etc; If they mean from a trans-racial level where meeting kids who are like her, well social interaction is not that cut and dry if the environment is not healthy for all. Just my opinion of course, but your instinct to control her school/social environment as long as you can, seems to be on the right track.
I would say No to the passing. She should know her heritage and be proud of it. I have relatives that have passed. I wouldn't know them if they bumped into me. Your daughter should have more than that.
Sorry if you felt attacked. Race relations and ethnicity tend to bring out heightened sensitivities.
millie58
I would say No to the passing. She should know her heritage and be proud of it. I have relatives that have passed. I wouldn't know them if they bumped into me. Your daughter should have more than that.
Sorry if you felt attacked. Race relations and ethnicity tend to bring out heightened sensitivities.
I am also the parent of a Roma child, not only is he Roma but has what many think is a severe disability and is in a wheelchair. We live in Texas where we have a huge Mexican American population. One problem he will run into, is the anti Illegal immigrant issue that some people have which often translates into full blown racial prejudice. I do try to teach my child all the parts of his heritage. I do my best to teach him to deal with the issues he will face and the descrimination he will face both because of his disability and his skin color. I don't think anyone was really saying you should not have adopted your child, I think they were simply saying you need to be prepared to deal with the prejudice from both sides. Also the idea that even though she can "Pass", it might not be the best thing for her in the long run since she will feel dishonest and like she is hiding a secret and it will further alienate her from her people.
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Well I can't answer any questions from personal experience because I am CC, my kiddo is CC, my family is CC, I live in a predominantly CC area...you get the point. But if you do care to hear an opinion from someone who has not been there done that, I think you should seriously consider homeschooling if it's feasable (sp?). Especially if there are other programs you can get your child involved in outside of school so she can socialize. I understand your point (or I guess really points people have told you) about socially isolating the child, but if she is going to experience extreme racism in school, that's probably worse than being isolated. And it sounds like you wouldn't let her be isolated...i.e. you would take care to make sure she has social interaction.
I found an article, the first part touches on one of your requested feedback. There are mentions of people/sites who conduct talks on racial interaction. Your present approach is to get up and leave, not bad; with close friends, it may be better to let them know why. It's not necessarily that you are always teaching others, but in the long run by example, it will empower your daughter on how to deal with ignorance. I read of a few trans-racial parents who are privy to comments that I would not hear as a Black person. I feel for them, as it is an uncomfortable position.In general you can try replies such as, "my friends, that was not an appropriate comment, remember I/we have a daughter who is Romani." You can also in a dry way, give an informational fact to counteract the stereotypical joke or comment, to get your point across. If the response is not favorable then its definitely time to leave. [URL="http://www.denverpost.com/lifestyles/ci_8038509"]Racist remarks, teaching moments - The Denver Post[/URL]Also another parent mention this book: "Racism explained to my daughter", by Tahar Ben Jelloun, this is on my to read list.
Millie, there is an embrionic club for adoptive families with Romani children. It only meets once or twice a year but it is way better than nothing. Otherwise, there isn't much but that is starting to change. By the time my child is a teenager, we may find or create something. There are some Roma-only clubs. I don't know how accepting they will be of adopted children, let alone one with our daughter's physical appearance. That's a big unknown factor here.Thanks, Nick, that's basic but confirms my feeling. I tend to be mouthy, which does not make for an easy life but what can you do? One issue the article doesn't address is the problem you face with transracial adoption that if you are mouthy when someone says something negative, you are putting THE CHILD on the spot, not just the person who made the comment. The child, depending on age, could be extremely embarrassed and dread mom or dad's comebacks that draw attention to the fact that they are different. Ever since I was a kid, I believed that being different is good, given how messed up so much of society is, but still they tell me most kids don't want to be different. So, I try to strike a balance. Here are some ways I have dealt with inappropriate comments. Despite the fact that my husband is abnormally open-minded, my mother-in-law initially told us she would never accept an adopted Romani child. We told her that would seriously limit our contact with her. We wrote several long letters back and forth before we made the adoption. Now things seem relatively OK. She does accept our daughter and our daughter loves to play with her cousins at the old farmstead. My mother-in-law has started a savings account for our daughter's education and comments to everyone that she is better behaved than the cousins.At a weekend party with two other adoptive families with non-Romani children, one of the fathers made a nasty out-of-the-blue comment along the lines of, "I decided to pick my wife up in town instead of let her take the subway. You know some Gypo would probably mug her." These people all know our daughter is Romani and they accept her but don't feel comfortable adopting Romani children because of the outside pressure and their admission that they still have internal prejudices that could be harmful. On that occasion, I told him I didn't appreciate the comment and he blustered about how it is a real issue about mugging and he can't censor everything he says. At that time, the kids were in bed and not present. A stranger at the community center asked me, "You're American, right? Your little girl is just so exotic looking. Is your husband an American Indian?" I just said, "No, he isn't." Another time, I was asked by someone who knew my daughter was adopted but not the details, "Aren't you concerned about adopting a child with brown hair? She could have some Gypsy background? It is safer to insist on only blonde." I said, "We don't not care if a child has Romani background. That's fine with us." Curious, anyone think I should I have declared all in that last instance? Our daughter's background isn't a secret among our near neighbors and is bound to get around town eventually. I recently heard of a case of a light-skinned Romani girl who was integrated at a school near my in-laws' place. Parents had heard a Romani child was going to be in the first-grade class. So, all the children refused to sit next to the one black-haired girl in the class but as it turned out, she was the wrong one. The Romani girl had brown hair and everyone was so tan from summer that no one could tell until winter set in.
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You are in a very tough situation. It sounds like you were prepared to be a parent of an obviously minority child but then you got a child who is not obvious so you are trying to figure out where she fits in in a very difficult social and political culture. I think its important to remember with little children, that they will grow to be adults. Our job as parents is to set them up to become successful adults. What are your dreams for your child's future? How can you arrange your life and raise your daughter to have the skills she needs to succeed in life? Do you want her to be intergrated into society? If so, you need to set that in motion by giving her the skills to respond to inappropraite comments and to stand up for herself. If you want her to grow up to part of the non integrated Romani society she needs a different set of skills. My point being, that you have to decide what is most important to you first before you can pass that on to her.
As to the issue with passing, I felt that way about my BR kid when he was a young baby. I swear I walked up to black people and declared his blackness just so I could be part of their "club." It was hard to find a way to fit him in because he did not look particularly black and we were white. But I honestly just kept trying. And over the years, our circle of friends shifted until all of a sudden I noticed we have only one set of white friends with a white kid. My son is 5 now and he doesn't pass for white anymore. He does still pass as hispanic if you are just walking by him but to most he is oviously black. People who have an issue with blacks are not welcome in our lives. Period. No exceptions (except for old relatives who will die soon anyway). It wasn't a huge social stance for us to take because its not acceptable to outwardly discriminate against blacks here anymore. I get that its harder (nearly impossible)for you to take that stance but its obviously how you feel.
Finally, perhaps YOU can be the one to start some integrated interracial play groups (maybe your adoption agency can give you a few people to start with). Create some opputunities.
Ahh but that's where the finesse of interaction comes in. One thing with work, but when it comes to friends, it's about creating a comfort zone for your child, and family. Not race related, but we have one neighborhood acquaintance who will ask once in a while hows "she" doing? (meaning our DD who is gasp, adopted!) now I would really like to tell him that his bio kids are dorks..and is not comparable to my DD.. but that's what I am thinking, :evilgrin: I usually give him a chuckle, and say oh she is superb. The environment seems pretty out there with its negative feelings, and racism, one where you will have lots of practice..
I have wanted to reply to your post, but I want to make it clear I'm not trying to flame or accuse you of anything. I feel terrible that you and your child have to go through this and that this sort of thing still goes on in 2010 or 2011.
Your child is your child and of course you love her and want the best for her. You don't think she's a second class person.
So if she were my daughter, I'd get her out of that situation. Bring her to the US where nobody even knows what a Romani is, and where people wouldn't care even if they did know. You could stay there, and fight the fight and try to make change in your community. I don't believe in running from problems. If it were just you I'd say bravo. But it's going to hurt your kid in the long run. There are thousands and thousands of places in the world where this wouldn't be a problem. You can choose to leave so your child won't suffer.
My father is from India and my parents raised me and my bio brother in a small town very near a reservation. I went to kindergarten in a town that is extremely racially polarized. Native americans and whites make up the population at the school, and both groups had a lot of mistrust of each other. Obviously I didn't fit in to either group. Consequently I was a hated person. In kindergarten, you don't understand these things. I went from being a healthy self confident child to being a withdrawn, flat type of person. There was nowhere I could turn.... not to the teacher, not to anybody. I had to ride a bus and endure all sorts of indignities from the mostly older white children. I made up lies to tell my parents so they wouldn't know that I had no friends and basically had to live the life of an outcast and outsider. I spent a lot of time hiding under desks and avoiding everyone and everything I could.
One day my friend from church rode the bus home with me and told my mother about the physical violence. Also how they took my stuff and stomped it and ripped my mittens and clothes and all the cruel things they said to me and all the things they did to torture me. When someone is 4 or 5 years old and they see the way people act, they think that's the way it is. Small children don't understand. I thought it was because there was something wrong with me. Also both NA and white children at different times called me derogatory names that they used for the opposite group.
My mom tried to do something but she couldn't. (She apparently had no idea how I was suffering before that.) Finally she got me out of that school and she drove me to a city school with lots of diversity. I realized that those people I'd been dealing with were "backwards" or not normal. I realized that the school wasn't the only place in the world and that the world in general is a lot different than the view I had of it before.
Should my mom have tried to make change in the school and community and kept me there? Maybe it would have been best for the greater social good, but it wasn't best for me. I'm sure it would have broken my spirit after a while. I think it almost did actually. I was only in kindergarten.
So that's why I say if she were my daughter I'd get her out of there.
Thanks for all of your notes.Dear Oceanica, thank you especially for sharing your difficult story. I can imagine it. I grew up very socially ostracized in school because I was legally blind and the first disabled child to be integrated into our rural school and the teachers didn't want disabled kids there so they actually encouraged the harassment. I did stay in that school because my parents believed in the integration struggle and because they were very hard up and didn't have the resources to homeschool me, which both I and my mother seriously regret because of the longterm impact on me. My experience is one reason I was willing to adopt a Romani child in such a tough place. I have some concept of what it means, not all of the understanding certainly, but more than most. It is a different issue and not confined to school, but I am not the typical oblivious CC parent for that reason. That is also why I am seriously considering homeschooling. There are internationalist social groups that are more open here and it should be possible to join clubs where the atmosphere is more open. As I said in another post, I personally would like to go back to the US but there are practical problems with that and my DH doesn't yet agree. At the very least, we can visit there for extended periods from time to time, so that our child or children can see that the whole world isn't like this. I also think just talking it through can make a difference. When I was a kid, going through what I did, all the adults ever told me was "You need to learn how to do better in social situations. You have to live in this society, so you'd better learn to deal with it." That is true on the one hand but on the other hand I think it is important to tell a 4 or 5 year old that what is happening is not acceptable, that it is wrong, that these kids who harass have parents who tell them bad stuff and that it won't be forever because if we can't leave now, the children can leave later and society here is going through some slow changes. As far as I know Romani parents tell their children those things and their kids grow up to be proud of their identity but also to be pretty bitter at and distrustful of the majority society.
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I'm glad you brought this up. Racism is such a huge issue, all over the world. I think there's nowhere to go where it isn't an issue. My stepson is half Chinese (his dad and I are white, FWIW.) My take was to do what every parent of color in this country has needed to do since forever: talk to him about it. Talk early, talk often. Make it a frequent topic, so if anything ever happened to him, it wouldn't be odd or surprising for him to talk to me about it.Tell him that I value him, I don't care about his race. That some people will. He is to know they're wrong. Some Chinese ppl will think less of him for being half-Cauc, some Cauc ppl will think less of him for being half-Chinese. But they're fools to think that way. That there are plenty of people who *don't* think that way.I think you have lost some of your "white privilege" because now you have to incorporate dealing with racism into your life. That is, however, not the worst thing in the world. Nor is it per se awful that she has to deal with this.When we were small, my mom told us that when we were around her brother, we'd hear him make racist remarks, but we were to know that was wrong. We weren't to agree with him, or believe like that. I remember both of us telling my mom and dad that some teacher we ran into said racist things to us. We were comfortable to confide in them. You'll no doubt have to wade through a sea of incidents, day in and day out, but with support from you and your husband, and your continued thinking things through, I believe your daughter and you and your husband will find a positive path through this.Oh -- and agreed that concept of homeschooling is the right choice in this situation.
I think you are an insightful person, and have a good grasp of the situation. One of the parallel that I note is the comparative negative stigma and stereotypes that Blacks and Romani people go through not just in one country but all over. In the US segregation is over, with lots of work to change the damage, but at least the laws are in place. I am sure other minorities here feel the same. I hope the word gets out, so more is aware,and maybe place heavy pressure on Europe, and their treatment of the Romani people. Anyway back to your DD. You said one thing that is very important, how to build your DD's esteem without causing bitterness. Your description of the Romani people who raise their children; within that vicious cycle. From what I read, and you know, are unfortunately well conditioned to not progress beyond people who do the grunt work. It's hard to not react in a defensive way, but not healthy. You are seeing the extra effort it takes to make sure your child is proud of who they are, but with in a healthy, holistic way. Reminds me of many Black parents who want their child to function well in all societal levels, and not become bitter about their racist history. Hard work, but doable. Thank you for enlightening us on what is going on elsewhere to children. Please stay around, and we all can work through this together..if even to mull through steps. I hope you find the local social network your DD and family need.
GrumblersRidge
Thanks for all of your notes. I also think just talking it through can make a difference. When I was a kid, going through what I did, all the adults ever told me was "You need to learn how to do better in social situations. You have to live in this society, so you'd better learn to deal with it." That is true on the one hand but on the other hand I think it is important to tell a 4 or 5 year old that what is happening is not acceptable, that it is wrong, that these kids who harass have parents who tell them bad stuff and that it won't be forever because if we can't leave now, the children can leave later and society here is going through some slow changes. As far as I know Romani parents tell their children those things and their kids grow up to be proud of their identity but also to be pretty bitter at and distrustful of the majority society.