Question: Choosing Adoptive Family

I am sure there are women out there looking at placing a child who want their child in a home with two parents, but I wouldn't say that is the goal of every emom. I was definitely looking at single women as well as couples, and that was probably less of a factor in my deision than other parts. I would say the fact you already are raising two kids and doing so successfully would be a good testament for an emom. I honestly used a pretty wide range of factors in my decision, in my first cut I had two single women, they didn't make it through my second cut, but it had little to do with the fact they were single mothers. Mostly I was looking for personalities that would mesh with mine, and the single mothers seemed a little uptight to me, but again, it was all about personality and how they came across. The honest truth is I liked them better because they were doing something I always wished I could, be independent enough to be able to start a family on their own. None of the single moms I really looked at had other children, but I'm sure that would have been a plus to me (I didn't want my son to be an only child) I think if you have stability, a good support system and showcase that in your profile my guess is there will be a match, it might take a little longer but it will find you. My agency told me that traditionally a single woman waits about 6 months longer than a husband wife, a gay couple waits a year longer, and a single man waits 18 months longer. Again that was coming from my agency but they weren't trying to sell me on it, just telling me when I was curious. I'm sure it's easier in certain parts of the country or at certain agencies. My agency stressed a diversity in their PAP, and also restricted the number of couples they took on so placement seemed to happen a little faster. If I was a single woman picking an agency I would choose one who's website features a diverse group (single women, single men, gay couples, bi-racial couples, etc), because IMO those types of websites will draw in emoms who are more open to a placement with a single mom. Again, just my opinion. There are emoms who want their child to have two parents, or want their child to have a stay at home Mom, those are a reality, but that isn't every emom. I placed with a gay couple who both work, my son was put in day care at 6 months. But they were the best fit for me. If you want a domestic open adoption I believe you will find someone who is the best fit for you. Good Luck.

Thank you for posting... I read a few of your posts in your blog. You are a beautiful writer... thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. And just a thought... but M&P won't know that you want to know more tidbits of info if you don't tell them. Maybe like my trepidation in my posting my question... you wont know if you don't ask. I have friends that wish their birth mother wanted to know more... maybe they are unsure that you want to know more and maybe with Christmas they thought it would bring pain whereas New Years is a celebration of new beginnings.... just a thought. My best to you, thank you so much for sharing... Yvonne

I'm sure that you're a fabulous mom, but I have to tell you, the agency I looked at had single women PAPs--and I didn't even consider them. I wanted there to be a stay-at-home parent, which didn't seem possible with a single parent. That said, every woman with an adoption plan is looking for something different. I hope you get some more perspectives.

Yvonne have you considered domestic foster care adoption? It's very single parent friendly. I'm a single mom who adopted through the system.

I relinquished years ago... I'm not even sure single parents could adopt back then. I would not have looked at a single parent. I was about to be a single parent and that was part of my reason for placing! But as someone said, ever expectant mom is different and looking for different things.

I would not have considered a single parent woman or man. At the same time, one could argue that a 2 parent household does not guarentee that it would continue to be a 2 parent household down the line......So everyone is different. Btw- I was not offended by your post in anyway. And I wish you luck ;)

I would have considered a single parent home without any children, but not one with two children. I just know that there is only so much time and wouldn't have wanted my child to get shorted because of other kids.

Thank you all for posting... and please continue to post... I think this is very helpful information. msgypsylee: I have thought about Foster-Adopt as well and am hoping to attend a meeting this week; however, I am uncertain about how my children and I would emotionally handle it if there was a reunification after the child was with us for a substantial time. me-n-u: So true about a 2 parent household, I was in what I thought was a marriage to someone who would put being a parent as a priority... some things are not always as they seem. I continue to wait for my Mr. Right… I know he is out there and this time I know MY priorities and know what I am looking for in a husband and father. As for those of you who have read or have read and responded: I want to give you something to mull over… and please know I am not being defensive. Because I am not THAT person… LOL. I just want to share on a personal level... as an actual single parent by choice who has a bio child and an adoptive child… maybe I feel I need to share my experiences to validate my parenting abilities.... or maybe by sharing my experience more emom’s will consider single’s. Idk. Just a little background to mull over and consider... I was married for 5 years… I raised my step son from age 14-18 (while married), I was 25 when he came into my life… I loved him as my own son.... he lived with us and I did EVERYTHING… sports practice, band practice, Mom’s club… while my ex took a ride and did little to nothing . I am now 33 and divorced and know what the difference between single vs married, and step-parent vs parent is… and now adoptive parent... and I know I am a better parent as a single parent (than when I was married to my ex) because I don't have to share my attention, my children receive more one on one attention... My ex was not financially responsible, but as a single parent I know my finances and that portion of my life is not stressful. I don't stress over money because I have a job with a handsome salary which only a few years ago combined with my ex’s couldn’t cover the bills (my salary is more than the average 2 parent family and though it may not sound like it I am humble about it… I still clip coupons and look for discounts when I can… my kids have college funds and savings bonds…instead of me having a motorcycle and wad of spending money… yes I am being very sarcastic towards my ex’s priorities)… As for raising my kiddos, on weekends I take my kids to the museum, zoo, movies, or local activities... like last weekend we went sledding. They ride horses, attend swimming, as well as I take them swimming... we go camping, we go to my parents cabin, boating, fishing, hiking… I love to take the kids in a kid carry back pack and go hiking… just to teach them about nature (though this year they will both walk…yay!… though I will miss the familiar weight on my back). My kids have only ever been in "daycare" with my best friends or with my family. I am not a perfect parent... but I work hard at it and I give it just about all of my attention. My best friend tells me all the time how that I give more to my children than most 2 parent families do and she doesn’t know how I do it… I guess it just takes the ability to focus. Don’t get me wrong there are Calgon days, but tell me one 2 parent family that doesn’t have those too… LOL!! Not trying to convince anyone about my own parenting ability… but maybe you will think about what I shared before you rule singles totally out… Sorry this is long! Didn’t mean for it to be… just kinda grew. LOL!! With kindness, Yvonne

BelleinBlue1978: I could understand that... thanks for sharing!

Here's the thing. When you pick adoptive parents, you can't really know whether they'll be good parents for your child--it takes some faith, and you also just try to maximize the odds. So if they own a home, that makes it more likely (but not certain!) that they're financially stable; if they have good relationships with family, that makes it more likely that they'll be able to provide extended family relationships for their kids. Similiarly, while there are excellent single parents, your odds are better of the child not being in daycare etc. with a two-parent family. I can understand why you'd feel defensive.

Susie_book, Honest, I wasn't feeling defensive, I'm not like that... I guess I was trying to show that not all singles are the same or that singles can make good parents too... AND I completely agree with you about maximizing odds to give you the family that meets your goals for what you are looking for. You have great logic. I appreciate that about your posts. You are definitely bringing up some great points and helping me to weigh out my options! :) To be honest... I could easily say... I will go International again... and while that option is very viable... domestic adoption is what weighs heavy on my heart. Not only domestic adoption but a domestic adoption that is open or semi-open... it breaks my heart that my daughter will never know more than the ages and marital status of her first parents. She will essentially have to make up a story to satisfy the questions she will have...

As a 17 year old who had a very stressed out single mother of her own, I would not have considered a single mom, especially one with two kids. BUT, you write so well about your life. To me, it seems like you will be able to get a placement. I got a very warm feeling reading your letter. The "hits" against you would be salary and availability. If you can focus on the time you spend with your kids and your financial freedom, I think you would find a young girl who wants to have you in her life as a role model and would feel comfortable. Likely in a more urban, and liberal community. There I go marketing again. Good luck :) You sound like a wonderful mother.

For me I started looking for a family with a stay at home mom, but after looking through many profiles and families, ultimately I chose the family that I felt would provide the happiest home for my child. I probably would have considered a single parent home if I felt they were the right fit for my child, but I know the bfather would never have gone for it, as his biggest concern was money, and having a stay at home mother.

Tatoosh- Thanks for the vote of confidence... I appreciate your candid reply. I very much "get" what you are saying in your response... I am very fortunate to have a job where I have great vacation benefits and am able to work a schedule to where my children spend most of their time with Grandparents or myself. Therefore, when I am ready to move forward with creating a profile I will most definitely include your suggestions! hopefuldee- I agree with you about the happiest home, I would do the same... BTW, I would love love love to stay at home full time to enjoy every little moment. :)