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My son and I have been reunited now for two years but as I live in a different country I only see him a few times a year. He is everything I could wish for and his wife is very supportive of our reunion. I also have a young grandson. My son's adoptive mother died four years ago and his father has a new partner now. My problem is that his adoptive father is making him feel very guilty about finding me. The father does not want to have anything to do with me and my son is finding it very difficult to deal with. He cannot see me on holiday occasions until after he has seen his father, in case my grandson mentions me and it causes upset. In fact, on one occasion my son refused to let me see my grandson because they were visiting the adoptive father the next day. I just don't know how this situation can be improved. I have no privacy with my son, all emails are read by his wife and my husband and my son will not meet me alone to talk or build a personal relationship. All visits to each other entail all five of us as a family, which is lovely, but I long to relate to him alone, after all he is my son and he found me. What can I do. Has anyone experienced this problem.
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I am so new in my reunion and I haven't even met my son yet. So far, we text, email and speak on the phone, and it's just the two of us. I do worry sometimes that when we have very long phone calls if his girlfriend is put off because I really don't want to monopolize their time together, but we only talk every few weeks, so it's not like it's really an imposition (I just over think everything).
I cannot imagine being in the position you are in! Quite honestly, why can't you have any "alone time" with your son? I mean, after 2 years, you should have some private times. Why is your son's wife reading his email (?). I don't get that at all. To me that is an invasion of privacy. Why won't your husband let you interact with your son alone?
It is unfortunate your son's adad is putting him in the middle, but I don't think the way he is handling this is really the best way. It would be harder to confront his dad, but I think that's what needs to be done. He cannot keep expecting his son to keep secrets or just avoid having you be around him for fear the child will "tell" on you. What is the issue with his dad? Does he feel it is disrespectful of his son to be in contact with you as it somehow disrespects his amom who has passed away? Is he afraid you will "replace" him and he will be faced with another huge loss? Has your son tried to reassure his dad that he is NOT trying to replace him or his amom? Finally, how old is your son?
Would it be possible for you to at least ask for some one-on-one time with him? That would bother me very much if my son and I had to always involve other people in our relatonship, espeically since it is so new!
Good luck with all this. It is not an easy situation, but I really think you son needs to sit down with his dad and iron this out. I just don't think going behind someone's back and having all these secrets is really good, espeically to the extent your son is taking it. I hope some adoptees chime in on this one. I don't have this issue with my son's parents as they have always been on the same page with me and my son in terms of support should he want to pursue contact. What he tells them, I don't know, and I don't feel they necessarily need to be privy to every aspect of our developing relationship, but I do not want them to feel set aside or overlooked or that I'm trying to swoop in and take their son from them either. Perhaps in time, if your son's dad actually got to KNOW you, he might feel less threatened.
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