Do you see that? I think the ball is finally rolling!

I'm glad to hear you had such a great experience with your RW. We've both heard some horror stories, so I'm pretty, well - amazed - at how things are running so smoothly right now. It was a rocky start, but it seems as soon as she became involved, things are moving along nicely. *wiping sweat off forehead here* I'm SUPER happy to hear that you're "surviving" your adoption of a 15 yo. Whenever we talk about adopting pre-teen/teen, the response is always "are you nuts? those kids have issues" - i've actually snapped around to people with bio kids and said "oh, as if yours dont?" the balls some people have are amazing. hahaha And thats putting it nicely! I've read a few books, Adopting the Hurt Child... (i'm gonna have to look on my nook and see what others i've read). Do you have any particular ones you'd recommend? ANY advice/books/words of wisdom - please send if our way.

Yeah, I got/get the same reaction. My son does have issues. No question. But it certainly wasn't a surprise. He's a great kid who deserves a chance. It will be up to him what he does with it. I'm here to help and guide any way I can. It IS tough, as tough as I imagined. And some days, a little more.Oh, and be prepared for the "oh, my kid did/does that". There is no way for most folks to understand the intensity and duration of our kid's behaviors.As far as books ... wow, there are a lot. "Adopting the Older Child" by Deborah Gray, "Parenting with Love and Logic", "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic", "Parenting the Hurt Child" - since you've already read "Adopting the Hurt Child", "The Connected Child", and for some lighter weight, kind of ... "The Things I Want Most" (a hard but valuable read) and "Three Little Words". Some non-adoption books that have helped me: "How to Listen so Children will Talk and Talk so Children will Listen", "Five Love Languages" and "Non Violent Communication".It's difficult to find much about adopting pre-teens and teens - most folks reference older child with toddler! Learn as much as you can without scaring yourselves silly. You'll need to understand the ramifications of RAD, ODD, ADD, ADHD, PTSD, FAS, RTC, group homes and a lot more. Also know that kids in the system are often diagnosed with LOTS of things and only some of them may be true. You'll have to figure out what things are true before you make a commitment. And you'll need to figure out what you are both willing to deal with.Be prepared to hear things that will hurt your heart. Some of these kids have been through unimaginable things and will need to tell you about them over and over again. Know you will be tested to your limit ... and beyond. Know you kid(s) will need to find out if you are "for real" and will stick with them, no matter what. They may try their hardest to make you reject them, and will be stunned if you don't. They deal with a different world than you and I. We live in a world where big people help little people. They live in a world where big people hurt little people. And they will want you to feel like they do - scared, hurt, angry and out of control. And this doesn't end on adoption day.You and your partner are about to embark on a great journey complete with danger, wrong turns, intrigue and great rewards. If you ever find yourself in the western part of the state, let me know. My son and I would love to meet you and help in any way we can.

I'm glad things are moving along smoothly. Welcome :clap:

Welcome, Welcome, Welcome! Best of luck to you as you begin your journey! First of all, I LOVE your reaction to your friends' issues regarding adopting older kids in the system! As the mom of a nine year-old son with autism, "normal" kids are overrated! And yes, even my "normal" biological children have issues! All kids do and it's up to the parents whether biological or adoptive to acknowledge/deal with the issues! My husband and I can attest to that. Your phone is going to be ringing off the hook, I'll bet! You have the support of a wonderful group of people here and I can't wait to hear about your journey into "our" world that most people just don't understand! Good luck to you both!-Kate

I was WONDERING what happened to you! Glad they finally found your paperwork. Next time, glue a GPS chip on there so you can locate quicker:)

Ugh - you have no idea..(wait, you do have an idea.. thats the point of this board!!! hahaha) every day, we kept asking eachother "did you hear anything?" "nope" "ok, lets call again..." Luckily, this RW seems to be on top of things...

Did you look into taking PRIDE through Just Babies? They almost always have openings and run several classes each year. I enjoyed the classes there. They're in Essex County, but there were folks there from other counties, including Bergen.

The book you mention is excellent. Books: Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children by Daniel A. Hughes. Anything by Hughes, esp. the book he wrote before that. Facilitating Developmental Attachment: The Road to Emotional Recovery and Behavioral Change in Foster and Adopted Children. Look up Kate Cairn's books, super excellent. She and her husband had something like 3-5 bios and 12-15 long-term FKs. She has *charts* of therapeutic things to do. "Don't Touch My Heart" (short).Read some books about child abuse, details, tell-alls. You *must* have heard some of this stuff before placements, as Hunterdon points out, so you don't just completely freak when your child starts disclosing. The "Child Called It" series (short, if devastating.) Memoir: "Three Little Words", girl was in FL foster care, since adopted as older child -- shows you how bad fos-care can be, which older kids will probably have experienced. Understand that you will experience a type of grief after listening to your child, perhaps secondary or tertiary PTSD. Kate Cairns and Keck/Kupecksy address this. It's been said, "Only a broken heart can see clearly." You will experience that.There's a DVD series I love, one local (WA) agency requires adoptive parents to watch it."Because They Waited". Some really amazing, great concepts, from 2 moms who've been there. Explains "time-in" parenting. (As, isolating a child who's afraid of abandonment is not curative....) And "How to Talk..." is a *must*. Get a 3D copy, leave where you can read bits of it daily after kids arrive.Best of success to you and your future children! Happy bunk bed shopping!

Having a good RW is a great access. I have my son now because of my wonderful RW. She was working the intake desk the day he became available and although I was not on the top of the placement, she thought he and I would be a good fit and placed him with me (she's very candid with me). I could not be more grateful to her.

I would second the suggestion to contact "Just Babies" in Short Hills for training. They are contracted with DYFS to provide PRIDE training, and they do the whole package, so your stuff does not languish in someone's IN-box (as you've already experienced...). I would recommend you also read "The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog" by Dr. Bruce Perry, to get an idea of how early trauma reshapes a baby's brain development. Also bookmark the website A4everfamily.org, and read about attachment disorder. Also another one...I think it's called RADzebra. These will give you some real-life, anecdotal info. Be prepared to be a warrior-parent. I like this poem; when our daughter was placed in our arms at age 24 months, I thought I was prepared...HA! Three and a half years later, we are still battling demons. We have made huge progress, but new memories and terrors bubble to the surface with each new developmental stage. Parenting our little Miss B is the hardest, most wonderful job I have ever done. God-speed on your up-coming journey! Warrior Moms by Jean MacLeod I didn't sign up to be a Warrior Mom. It was awarded to me by default: I showed up to mother a baby. In the early days of our adoption, I clanked around in oversize Armor that hung heavy and slow. It took me awhile to realize that it had been designed for me to grow into... I'd been outfitted as a Warrior Mom but didn't understand what I was fighting. It was with fear and steel that I dealt with awful knowledge: I was fighting for the love and affection of a baby who no longer trusted. Making a child's world right is all-consuming and never-ending. I figured out why I wore Armor: it held me up at the end of the day. So many invisible dragons to slay! I battled for my baby and I battled to be her mother. I took rejection-- arrows glancing off metal-- and came back for more. I demanded a place in the life of my daughter and I learned to share her with her past. I became a Warrior Mom and ditched the Armor, but kept the shield. Not for me, but to protect the child that became mine through sweat and tears and years of no sleep! Who knew this Mom could tilt at windmills angry feelings and powerful ghosts? I don't cook, can't sew, won't craft but I learned I could fight and I don't give up. Sometimes it takes a Warrior Mom to claim a child who has gone past love. Untapped, under-appreciated, a Mother's Will is Mighty. It can make love spring from metal And change Armor to open arms.

Yes! I forgot to mention "The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog". An excellent resource. For living with it, I still highly recommend "The Three Things I Want Most" by Richard Miniter. While in no way a perfect book, it gives a real feel to what it can be like to live with a child with multiple diagnosis (some of which turn out not to be accurate), who is destructive, manipulative and incapable of trust. It is difficult, when you live with a child who has given up on himself, not to give up as well. And sometimes, knowing others have felt as you do, persevered, and come out the other side is just the thing you need to keep on keeping on. All of the books mentioned have helped me, in moments when I feel hopeless, to remember others have lived this. Others have survived. Some have triumphed!Because we all know, that is what they need from us. To be more stubborn, longer lasting, calm and controled, and completely committed to helping them heal. What other choice do we have? The children deserve a chance. It just 'aint always so easy on a daily basis!

Yes! I forgot to mention "The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog". An excellent resource. For living with it, I still highly recommend "The Three Things I Want Most" by Richard Miniter. While in no way a perfect book, it gives a real feel to what it can be like to live with a child with multiple diagnosis (some of which turn out not to be accurate), who is destructive, manipulative and incapable of trust. It is difficult, when you live with a child who has given up on himself, not to give up as well. And sometimes, knowing others have felt as you do, persevered, and come out the other side is just the thing you need to keep on keeping on. All of the books mentioned have helped me, in moments when I feel hopeless, to remember others have lived this. Others have survived. Some have triumphed! Because we all know, that is what they need from us. To be more stubborn, longer lasting, calm and controled, and completely committed to helping them heal. What other choice do we have? The children deserve a chance. It just 'aint always so easy on a daily basis!

I love the staff over @ Just babies. They are willing to speak with you about anything as long as they can help you even if you choose to go through th county to foster. A great resource worker is kep in all this. If a great resource worker isn't available a good forum like this is just as good. A few fol in my PRIDE class were bing "rushed" through because they opted to take older kids. Resource families who accept older kids are like gold.

A just want to reiterate : "The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog". by Dr Bruce Perry....although the cases he writes about are DRASTIC, they will open your eyes to why certain behaviors are happening....the beginning of the book to me was a bit slow, but all of the case examples from the middle to the end are wonderfully inciteful. I would read up on all of the different types of attachment. And I second the comment about parenting according to emotional age as opposed to actual age. Which is a challange to say the least. Also, many people who post here also have blogs that can give you a day to day guide of what to expect...check some out I follow this one: [url=http://manystarsthatguideus.blogspot.com/]The Many Stars that Guide Us[/url] and love her genuine honesty

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