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My husband and I are adopting a preteen child that we have been fostering. Recently we with the family for a meeting with regards to how to handle visits after the adoption. The family was totally innapropriate during the meeting. They were verbally abusive, threatening, swearing, telling the child that they were going to go to court to stop the adoption etc. One of the family members was under the influence as well. The child unfortunately had to be a part of the meeting and witnessed the chaos. I was very upset but the childs attendence was mandated by the gov't. They however didn't realize how this family was going o act but we sure did. So my question to everyone on this forum is this. How do you have contact with a family like this? They want unsupervised visits after the adoption but we cannot support this given their track record. The gov't is even saying no way. We all know the family is going to demand it afterwards and the child knows this is their family. Advice from anyone who has been through this would be VERY much appreciated. Treading in new waters here. Thank you in advance for your kindness.
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Once TPR goes through (required prior to adoption), they have zero say in visitation (unless CW mandates prior to adoption). You hold 100% of the cards and are able to completely cut them out, set boundaries, demand certain rules are followed. B-family has nothing. With one exception
If you are in a state that recognized OA contracts (like we are), they can negotiate an OA prior to TPR (or later, but they cant force an OA post tpr)
If you go the OA route, make it super clear. How frequent the visits, who is able to go, who pays, the location, what behavior is not tolerated, and what the costs will be if that behavior occurs
That said, the behavior you are describing right now is very typical. They are in denial about their loss of power in the relationship. They are lashing at at whomever they can because of the pending loss
I had quite a bit of this thrown my way. Once the TPR was over, we finalized, AND a spent a few months reinforcing the OA, things settled down a lot.
hang in there! And be strong.
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We adopted our FD 2/23/11. It was going to be a contested adoption b/t us and her grandma, but she dropped the day b4 court.
So far, we have allowed some contact. DD is 11, and wants the contact. She is old enough that she can call w/o me knowing if she wanted too. There are some things I can't control.
We live in MO, and there are no open adoptions. Grandma lives in TX. She comes up periodically and picks up KK and they drive up to see KKs brother 4 hours away. She gets to spend time with her brother that way, and it saves me the trip. I hate driving that route, it makes me a nervous wreck.
So, we do those visits, cards, etc. for now. Grandma wants her to come to TX for a week or 2 this summer. She keeps telling KK, but hasn't brought it up to me. I say no way. I told KK I wouldn't let my other kids go like that, esp. across state lines for that length of time.
GM is married/living with a sex offender, so there is no way I would allow that.
We'll just have to see what happens. With gas prices getting higher, the trips are fewer & fewer. She doesn't call, although she can, but she does send a few cards. Maybe the distance will distance the relationship and KK won't want to persue it. I certainly won't force her, although, I want her to remain in contat with her bro. He is in a residential home.