"Other" family

Pained, Perhaps one of the moderators on this site will move your post into a new thread as this thread is really long and replies will get mixed up with your post and the old posts. I am sorry you are in pain - I don't have any idea of how old you are and hopefully this will give you food for thought to break through the pain and allow you to look at things realistically. I hope this is helps, truly. You can only control your own feelings. What others should do or shouldn't, what others should have done or didn't do - you have no control over and there is really no point in allowing it to control you. Secrets fester and eventually come out...that is why they should not exist in the first place. Placing blame on your half-siblings is not going to help. Walking a mile in their shoes may help you see both sides. And I mean really walk in their shoes from having an alcoholic mother to being raised by their grandparents while knowing they had a father who could be / should be taking care of them. Regardless of what all the adults were fighting about etc - they were children wanting the same thing you do - a father. Walk in their shoes before you say they are wrong. As to your father - everyone has made mistakes in their lives, things they would do differently now, there is no time travel to correct the mistakes already made and the longer they stay buried the harder they are to confess. Again, walk in his shoes before you throw away your relationship. Did he think about his other children while you guys were doing things - probably - did it take anything away from the time you guys spent one on one building memories? NO. You were there - they were not. Take the time to sort out your emotions, be mad, cry, consider the impact on you, your siblings, your immediate family, but just like they were faced with tough choices back then you are now faced with tough choices - are you willing to throw it all away because he may have thought of his other children from time to time? That will only hurt you in the long run. Wanting to know your father and family is really not some horrible crime - would you in their position not want it? Secrets and lies have the ability to destroy - are you going to let it happen or can you accept that everyone has failings and consider that your family just got bigger? Kind regards,Dickons

If you haven't sought counseling, I would encourage you to do so. (PM Bromanchik on this site for help finding someone in your area.) It is really difficult to discover your parents have kept this big a secret from you. I hear the pain that your are experiencing in your words. You have discovered that your dad is not the person you thought he was and you are experiencing the grief that accompanies that discovery. The denial, anger, pain you feel are part of the grief process. Try not to let it taint your memories of your Dad. He obviously cares about you. You will only know what he thinks if you can open a conversation with him. It is possible that you are even more precious to him because he recognises what he lost in his first family. You have no idea how much he has grieved. Can you put yourself in your half-siblings place? How would you feel if you discovered your dad had another family that he spent time with. Would child support make up for the lack of your dad in your life? Wouldn't you feel something was missing? I find it interesting that they contacted you and not your father. You have begun a journey. You can choose to work through this and enrich and enlarge your life, or you can slam the dood shut and refuse to have any type of relationship with your half-siblings. In either case your life and understanding or yourself has changed. This is a place where you can come for support or even just to vent.

Pained - I've moved these posts into it's own thread.:)If you ever want to start a new thread, just click on the "New Thread" button that is located on the left side just above each forum list of threads.For example if you click here on the sub forum of birth family support, you'll see all the threads listed Just above that will be the New Thread button. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/birth-family-support/[/url]

I agree with all the comments above.. The only thing that I had not seen anyone touch on is the fact of the Aunt befriending the girls.. In my opinion, I think the Aunt has a right to have something to do with these girls.. Why should every single family member have to deal with the pain of not being involved???? punish many for a couple? I am in a similar situation but different as many post put on this forum, no two situations are the same. I was 3 years old when my sister was put up for adoption, after all 4 of us girls were taken from my mother and placed in a foster home for neglect and heard that she was abusive before that. So I should have to suffer the pain of never finding her just because my immediate family chooses to "not talk about it"?? My face was physically rearranged by my mother because of that particular situation (so my mother says).. So I am on a mission to find her.. I want her to know that she was placed in a better home and had a better life then what we had to endure. I want her to know that she missed out on nothing that was worth what we were going through. I want to hear from her that she had great parents growing up so I can tell her that that was the best thing for her.. If any of that makes sense.. Good luck to all those searching and to all those like this original post, I hope you find peace!